Not coping with loss and grief

[jays1989]

I am not okay, I have been an absolute emotional wreck since monday morning when I received a phone call stating that my grandmother passed away, I understand that it's all part of the circle of life but it doesnt make  preparations any less painful and it still comes as a shock no matter was. I am trying to keep busy and keep my mind distracted but the hardesť part is that I feel like i have emotionally shut down and I look like I have a vacant expression on my face. I have been asked now to be one of the Paul bearers during the funeral and of course I said yes because it's the 4 grandchildren that are being considered but it still doesnt help that I feel like I havent had a moment to process this whole week and the worst part is I haven't had the opportunity to actually let out my emotions. Anyone that has gone through this please any advice on how you got through this would definitely help me out 

[white knight]

Hi Jays, welcome

I'm really sorry you've lost someone so dear to you. It's only been 3 days since you received the news, early days indeed and now you have a funeral to go to.

Many years ago I became distraught when, after the service of my father, I had to attend the cemetery. I decided right there after that day that I will never attend any cemetery ever again. It was a boundary I set for myself, it didnt matter what people think it was my choice due to my fragile nature. So in future dont be afraid of setting your own boundaries. Some people might criticise you for not attending any event but its your grief and its your decision, its very personal and has zero to do with anyone else.

During this difficult time think of planting a rose in memory of your grandmother. Or putting flower in a vase. I planted a Jacaranda tree with bright purple flowers  after my dad passed. It's in the front yard of a house I used to own. That was 33 years ago, it huge now and see it a few times a year and brings a smile to my face.

You can develop your own memory. Have you considered writing down your feelings? Poetry maybe? I'll paste a poem below  as an example-

HER GREATEST FAN

The old porch chair where grandma once sat

Her knitting nearby and slippers on a mat

She'd smile at you and keep knitting away

A small tear of happiness would always stay

And when the sun drifted down and dinner was done

She'd stare at you because you were a special one

Sadness fills your heart as she's about to rest

It's like you are approaching your biggest test

But alas what would she want from her grandchild today?

She would want you to dedicate life in your own way

To treat children exactly how she loved you

Maybe you'll have a little girl or a baby blue?

So carry a bucket to collect your tears

It will fill many times throughout the years

Every tear is a memory of your Gran

How she adored you - her greatest fan...

TonyWK

[jays1989]

Thank you for the support. It really means a lot

[Hayden]

Hi there. Sorry for your loss. Truly am. There are some great sites with useful information to help you through this time. My only advice, not as a professional but as someone who experienced grief, is it is ok to feel what ever your feeling. There is no time limit of mourning or grief and it is still very new to your body. Take care.

[therising]

Hi jays1989

My heart goes out to so much as you face this incredibly challenging time in your life that holds so many mixed and yet to be identified emotions, in some cases. Such a tough and heartfelt time for you.

When people say 'Time heals all wounds', I believe it's the following over time that helps with the healing (it's not simply time itself)

• Making greater sense of what someone meant/means to us. Btw, I've found such revelations can come with tears, as the depths of the love we had/have for them and they had/have for us reveals itself in certain moments. Making sense of all the roles the person we've lost actually filled in our life can be a part of this. Whether they were a bit of a comedian who made us laugh, a sensitive person who was able to sense the need for us to open up and talk to them, a significant guide in our life in some form or simply someone who occasionally brought us a much needed sense of peace. We can be missing laughter, missing a certain type of sensitivity, missing guidance and/or a sense of peace
• With Tony mentioning boundaries, I 100% agree. The need to set boundaries can come in many ways. Helping carry a person's coffin could be classed as overstepping one of our boundaries, where what is on the other side for us could prove to be traumatic. We could also be developing a new boundary, where in the lead up to crossing that boundary something says to us 'You need to find support. You can't navigate the way ahead on your own'. So it becomes about recognising the limit of thought and emotion we can deal with on our own before having to find support and guidance
• Becoming familiar with a whole range of new emotions can also be a part of healing. In some cases, emotions come with thoughts and if we don't know how or what to think, we (in turn) don't know how or what to feel. We need to be kind to ourself when it comes to working out both the thoughts and emotions, especially when it comes to a monumental challenge we've never faced before. Working out or working through how to manage the loss of a loved one is something we may never have been prepared for. How are we meant to manage what we've never been prepared for in any way? Again, we must be kind to ourself

Jays, there are so many factors beyond the ones I mention that become a part of the healing process. They're bridges we cross when we come to them. Some may become relatively easy to cross, with practice, and some remain a struggle that can take months or even years for some people to navigate. The most important thing is that we ask someone we can trust to cross the bridges with us when we feel this is something we struggle with doing on our own.

It really is an 'each to their own' kind of thing, how we manage losing someone we love. When I think of my mum, my dearest friend, she never even went to her own mother's funeral. She was too heartbroken to attend. She vowed she'd never have a funeral when she herself passed, based on her never wanting to put someone through that. She passed at 86, almost 6 months ago. I've found two of the most important things, when it comes to dealing with grief, are 1)be patient with yourself as you navigate through uncharted territory it and find the best guides who are going to help you navigate.❤️