Never done this before

[Moonstruck]

Good morning all,

My loving partner died 3 weeks ago and I've been different each day....managing to do all the essentials but at times in a confused "lost" sort of way that I hide well. I conduct conversations with others, some who know, some who don't very easily...chatting and laughing and carrying out the essentials of daily life, paying bills, making appointments, car services, new appliances etc....as if nothing had happened.

Most mornings though I want to lie in bed for the whole day,never seeing or speaking to anyone. Driving in the car when a piece of music plays that reminds me of "us" the tears come. I attended a small group meeting of member of a club I belong to (of course it's all been shut down and in limbo since Corona, so nothing happened to distract me from the loss)....just needed to see familiar faces. Strangely enough conversation seemed to shut down and become a bit stilted when I arrived..no one mentioned my loss at all. I was longing for a hug, so I could give way to my pent up emotions, but there were none.

No touch,no comfort offered....nothing! Why was this? These are great people and I know they care and like me..........but they didn't offer any words of comfort. Perhaps I was wrong about them being my friends, perhaps they couldn't give a stuff about me after all...what an idiot I am!

The loss is not just"him"...a person. It's the other things that have also gone. No one knows me, "gets"me, or thinks I am as beautiful as he did. No one will tell me how lovely I look (even when I don't ) any more. No one calls me "darling". No one has my crazy at times black, sense of humour. I don't know anyone else who laughs at the same things we did. It's all those things that have gone too. No one comes in the door and immediately enfolds me in a hug.

Why didn't my friends comfort me?

[Moonstruck]

Dear BlondGuy

I thought I was doing quite well. Not sobbing all over the place or staring at his photo or anything....coping with crashing my car (at last repairs have begun) so am more in "isolation" than I was during the Corona hysteria!! I seem to keep it all contained until night...when it's dark, I feel no one can reach me, email me, ring me, I stay up as late as I possibly can so make the most of this "being left alone-ness"......I guess because there are no distractions, my thoughts get a bit jumbled, even verging on the paranoid.....

I concentrate more on family members' problems, my grandkids coping with school stuff, my sons' relationships, how to help them, fix them all.....I feel like ringing everyone up and screaming at them to live every moment, hold your special people close, "you never know it may be the last time you see them"......I can't bear couples arguing, suffering problems in their relationships. I want to scream at them "it doesn't matter. these little faults of theirs mean nothing, nothing!! They could be dead next morning, next hour, tonight!!

For God's sake people, love each other!!! Paul, you've probably gathered I am not as good as I thought...I hope Croix is reading this!

[ecomama]

Dear Moon

You're clearly grieving in your own way, it's fine! You're fine.

You seem to have found the "quiet time" late at night when you can be alone with your thoughts. Grief can make you feel like you're going crazy and you DO want to scream at the world! Appreciate what you have NOW... but we can't put an old head on young shoulders, not saying you're old but we learn these lessons and dearly want our loved ones to know them too.

Maybe it's just this you can share with your family? IE what you've learnt through your grief.

I'm sure you knew it already but the loss of your dear partner has turned the volume up on this wisdom and sometimes we DO need to share these things with those around us that we love. This could be an 'opener' for you being able to share your grief in whatever pattern it takes.

Be kind to yourself right now. I hope your car comes back like brand new and you can feel comforted by people around you. We care. You're awesome.

Love EM

[Herbie_H]

Hi Moon,

So sorry to hear about your loss. It is a difficult enough time without the isolation of Corona thrown in.

Perhaps your friends just didn't know how to handle the situation. I have heard and experienced when people suffer a loss they feel a little like outcasts, but in reality it's been that their friends almost feel guilty for still having a partner and don't want to add to your grief. There may be some who see you differently, but I hope that you find more of those friends will just don't know what to say and how to react to you at this time.

I guess as the old saying goes, "those who matter don't mind, those who mind don't matter" You're allowed to grieve and feel upset, you've suffered a loss of someone close to you. In time I hope you will find it easier to redefine your life and make it all about you.

All the best.

[golden82]

Hi Moon,

Browsing through the forums and found this of yours...Just wanted to reach out to you and as with others on here to send you condolences and wishes that you find strength to continue to be the strong and amazing person you are. Best wishes 🙂

[Moonstruck]

Some well wishers and genuine supporters have said in several different ways (and it is a common saying when a death happens I guess)....goes like...."Hang onto the precious memories" "Just focus on the lovely times you shared"..." when things get too much for you, hold onto the fact that he loved you"......and I know they mean well, but I found focussing on the beautiful memories and things sort of makes me feel worse...if you get my drift? It was lovely, now it's gone..

Yes, someone loved me...now the only one who did (in that sense)....is dead. The ultimate abandonment.

He has not broken up with me, but has still ended the relationship. I can't see him any more. I can't talk to him any more, or have him hold me. No one holds me at all. Touch is ultra important to me (maybe it stems back to childhood I dunno)....but I know its importance.

(if you'll permit me to divert slightly here..sorry) Months of Corona fear does not even PERMIT anyone to touch me! Little babies can die without human touch. Elderly patients in nursing homes and hospitals suffer from a medically known term "skin hunger". We've heard none of the fall-out of skin hunger during the Corona restrictions. Perhaps the talking heads on TV have never heard of it.

One of the things resulting from my loss seems to be great confusion. As if I had a blow to the head or something...not thinking as clearly as I used to. Crashing my car a couple of weeks afterwards has left me broken and rudderless. The TV is full of anger, shouting, violence, criticism of each other, debates, questions with no answers, a fight between the powerful and the powerless.........not a nice world after all as it turns out.

We are not a nice species, we humans.

[ecomama]

Dear Moon

I can hear your frustration and anger, it's perfectly justifiable. Your experience is shared with millions of others, we hear you.

AND you're grieving.

No one know the right thing to say when a person has lost a loved one through death and we do have 'cultural' sayings at this time. I think that anyone who says anything to you about this are trying to extend some compassion. But it feels like a full stop also. Many are trying to make us feel better but end up not.

Our ancient wisdom and connection has been lost for the most part.

I really value another person holding presence with me when I'm grieving. Just being with me. Not judging. Not telling me how to be or feel or think or resolve my grief for me.

Simply being. Simply letting me be.
Together.

We are holding presence with you Moon. Holding you close.

Love EM

[Moonstruck]

Thank you ecomama for understanding. I had a terrible nightmare last night...and woke feeling so terribly "out of control" that was the theme of the dream...couldn't have any say in what was happening...loss of control...helpless....it has remained all morning (nearly midday now).

Being still without my car is making me much much worse. There is a support group waiting for me to list my interest in joining and meeting the co ordinator ...I told her I would come in as soon as I had my car...the small group will probably be filled by the time I can get there and register.

A family member has a milestone birthday coming up and what she really needs and would love (only one left) is on the other side of town......my brain is too confused to read bus timetables, where to change, can I walk the distance required between stops, can I afford a cab between places etc? I stay home here with my anxiety getting worse and worse and the nightmares are starting as I have nothing and no one to distract me or get involved in.

even getting food involves a long walk then bus home to the nearest stop....My GP will refer me to Grief Counsellor appointments but I can't figure out how to get into her surgery...she wants to see me, not just a phone appointment. I have no way of getting into see her in person without my car. I was doing OK managing the grief until my mobility was taken away and the longer I am without it, the more scared I am becoming of driving anywhere...what if I lose control again? I can't do this much longer.

[blondguy]

Hey Moon

You are exactly the same person who I met when I joined the forums....a person that is strong...caring and is also as fragile as myself, members or any Champions on these mental health forums when it comes to the roller coaster ride of life....It can effect all of us....especially with Covid-19

I would be super isolated without my car Moon....I hear you loud and clear there!

Still here during the Covid-19 period and yes I am sure Croix is reading too!

BearHugs

Paul

[Moonstruck]

Dear Paul....you see how confusing this grief process is? e.g. this morning I feel totally different to yesterday. I didn't have any nightmares you see. The night before, perhaps all my despair, stress, compounded by the Covid hysteria of recent months (and our border still isn't open and my loved ones can't be with me) all came down on top of me...perhaps if it did during the day I would collapse under the weight...I don't know...dreams are powerful and usually signify something happening in our own brains that is too much to bear while awake.

I managed to have a shower, wash my hair....getting ready for a walk to the supermarket....and get the bus back so I don't have to carry heavy groceries. My car is my passport back to normal activities where I can at least"pretend"my world is carrying on the same.....but today is totally different from yesterday. This is what throws me...I don't know what to expect from myself. I used to be able to rely on myself...now I am too unpredictable....thank you for caring.....

[quirkywords]

Moon

think you have described how many experience grief. One day you don't feel you cant do much and you have nightmares then the next day yo manage daily tasks. Now you wonder what the next day will be like. I think it is our minds trying to make sense of things.

remember when a person seems someone on a good day they say oh they are coping well but if they see them on a bad day the will say they are not coping. The thing is it is just two parts of the same person.

think you can still rely on yourself just some days it may take longer or may have to wait till the next day.

You through your posts have described a very honest approach to grieving.Quirky