My Mother Passed away on the 26 Sept

[Alan1]

I have found that is extremely hard to cope with the loss of my mother. I get in my car to and from work each day and I feel like everything is so overwhelming. My mum was a lady who was very kind and lived for her children. 4 years ago we took her on a holiday to Cairns with my wife and Son, we had a great time. I lost my father 23 years ago but for some reason this seems so much harder to come to terms with. I think of all the lovely memories we have had with her and of my childhood it makes me happy that I have all those memories but at the same time it make me feel like I am so overwhelmed with grief..

People say in time it will be better as I am sure it will but when you had a mum who lived for her children the way she did and provided us with all that we needed and took us on family holidays interstate every summer. This was fantastic as it created life long memories I still treasure to this day and I am 52 years old.

My sister and I travelled over 20 years ago to Bali and at that stage we were told we were adopted as mum had to tell us as we were obtaining passports. We didn't care. as she was so good to us and it was never spoken about again.

My sister and Brother seem to be much stronger than me I seem to be so overwhelmed with her loss.

On occasion I have been quote upset at my desk, on a train last Friday whilst I was going into Melbourne. I was just thinking back to all the time my sister and I had taken the train into the city with mum and dad, its little things like that that set you off. Certainly with Christmas just around the corner it's also rather sad not having her with us..

My mum was 88 and a very active person who walked every day and caught public transport and got out of her huse each day to do something . That is until she had a bleed on her brain on the 17 March this year. She ended up in hospital for a little whil then on to a rehab place in Mornington. She could not move or do anything for herself since this happened. After Rehab we had to put her in high care nursing home until she passed away on the 26 Sept.

In the 6 1/2 months after her stroke my sister and niece who is a nurse and my wife and I were all there 3 to 4 times a week. We would just sit with her in the room knowing that she did know we were there but couldn't really communicate but knew what was going on around her. And we would be there for meals on weekends so we could help feed her..

I miss her so much

Alan

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[CrashCoyote]

Hello Alan1,

My mum is still with us but I lost an eight week old daughter sixteen years ago, so I have some little experience with grief.

Your mum sounds like a wonderful woman. I have no words of comfort to ease your grief or I would use them, but please accept my condolences on the passing of mum and I hope time dulls the pain for you.

Kind regards, John.

[Alan1]

Hi John,

Thankyou for your kind words, I would also like to pass my condolences to you on your daughters passing, that would have just been so hard for you and your wife.

Regards

Alan

[Neil_1]

Hi Alan

Please accept my deepest sympathies for the loss of your Mum.  It isn't that long ago and so it is all still very raw for you.   And yes, we all deal with it in different ways, as you mentioned that your sister and brother seem to be coping a bit better than yourself.  Of course that's not to say that they're not grieving as well - and quite possibly, while in private they are doing it very tough also.

I understand how you're feeling right now - I lost my Mum on 14th October (if you like, go to the Depression forum and I have a post there - you'd think I'd remember what it's called, but it starts off with "Recent days ..."   and I think it's the only post there of which I've started).

But it's tough and yes, reminders are a plenty.   For me, Mum lived about 3 hours away from me - and so she had the family phone number - a number that I would have called literally thousands of times - but no longer;  as I lost my Dad also in 2007.

Please Alan, keep writing here for as long as you wish too - it's a great community here and the support here is just incredible.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Neil

[Alan1]

Hi Neil,

Thanks for your kind words also, as you know yourself it is very hard to deal with all of this. I think somehow not having any parents any more makes you also think of your own mortality. Even though we probably don't need our parents like we did as children just knowing that they are there or at least one of them is always a comfort., now there just seems a void. I would also like to send you my condolences on the loss of your mother.

[Neil_1]

Hi Alan

You’ve nailed it very nicely – it’s a void.   Some large chunk of our lives is gone, missing and can never be replaced.   I read somewhere once, that when someone VERY close to you dies, a part of your own person dies too.  I do believe that – I’ve lost 3 of my family members now and the emptiness is large.

These are tough times Alan – the grieving process is an individual thing and there is no right or wrong and there is no time-frame.  Take all the time you need;  and at this time, I really hope that you’ve got some very good support networks assisting you.

And as I’ve said before, for as long as you wish too, please keep posting here.

Neil

[Alan1]

Hi Neil,

My wife is great support, but I seem to spend so much energy trying to appear that everything is ok, both at work and everywhere else for the fear if I let go too much I will have some kind of panic attack or break down. I have been like this since it all started to happen in March. I come to work every day mostly wishing I could just sit in a corner or outside somewhere reflect on my life and of my mum.. There was one Friday afternoon a few weeks ago where I just had to take the afternoon off go to a shopping centre and sit and drink coffees just watching people. My wife and I would take my mum out frequently to shops for lunches shopping and chats. as I think I said earlier with Christmas pending it seems to be so much more overwhelming. Something that goes around and around in my mind is that two days before my mum had her stroke in March we had decided that we were all going to go on another holiday up to Palm Cove near Cairns in January. We took her there in January 2011 and she had the best time with my wife and son and I. I guess I don't feel alone I just feel lost. I have seen things on facebook etc that about being nice to people etc as you don't ever know what goes on behind a persons smile. That is so true for the most part everyone would think I am ok but there are times every day where a wave of complete sadness creeps over me.. You know I think you are right when a person dies I do believe a part of you also dies as well. I thinks also its just so overwhelming because we were bought up in a nurtured loving and caring environment where my brother and sister were everything to my parents. Thy took us away on rail trips around Australia each summer to have family time create memories that I still think of often especially now. Neil thanks again for the time in your replies. I hope that you can get through Christmas and the festive season with some strength that knowing that we are all going through the same sort of emotional moments.

Alan

[Neil_1]

Hi Alan

Thank you again for your latest response – always great to have someone else’s thoughts and feelings when going through such times.  Hard times.

A friend of mine who has a counselling degree (or certificate – anyway, he’s qualified in mental health counselling) suggested to me a little while ago was to write a letter to my Mum;  but not your usual letter.   It was to be even in dot point format – and just to think back of the wonderful things she did for me;  for our family.  It could be as long or as short as you wished – but just to reflect and remember on the good times and wonderful way she was in this world;  to the family, to friends, etc.   I found it a very therapeutic exercise.   The end result does not go anywhere – it is just a personal thing that at this time, may help.

Another thing he got me to do, in regard to my Dad – was to list down 10 things that I loved about my Dad.  This one, I finished in about 2 minutes.  It was like, oh wow, he was this, and this and yep, that, and that and I got to the 10 very quickly.  I shared this with my partner and she agreed with each thing.

It was just another little exercise to possibly help with the process and dealing with the loss.

Yes, this year will be particularly hard – as we used to always travel back to where Mum lived (about 3 hours away) either Boxing Day or the day after -  but as my brother and his family are going to be elsewhere this year;   this will be the first year since I left home (30 years ago) that I won’t be travelling back.

Kind regards

Neil

[Alan1]

It's Nearly been 4 months now since my beloved mother passed away.

There are times still where it is so hard to not be so overwhelmingly grief stricken with the events of last year that led to her passing away September.

I can talk about her with no problem, but it is all the good memories that bring me down. I was driving to work this morning and I heard the old Abba Song Fernando. Well this bought me back to one of our holidays as children with them when they took us to see the Abba movie whilst on Holidays in Brisbane. I was so overwhelmed I nearly had to stop the car.

People have said you have lots of nice memories but it is just these that can make me nearly not able to function. I try hard to but it just that it is so hard. It is the hardest time in my life I think to get through all of this.

I hear a song, I think of being on holidays as children and also with her  when we took her on holidays to Far North Qld this time 4 years ago.. I have had a good life a great child hood and its because of her. I hope with time this eases I am sure it will but its so hard because I really want her back. My parents were just so good to us. ::0((

[Blue85]

Hi Alan,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My mum passed away very suddenly (in her 50's) back in 2003 when I was still a teenager. Those happy memories, while often painful reminders of what you might be missing, are a blessing. 

 It's okay to allow yourself permission to grieve, to remember, to be angry, to be sad, to be happy... Just to be. I hope you may find comfort in those memories over time. She will always be with you in your heart, and I'm sure she would also be proud of the way that you have expressed your emotions.