my fiance took his own life

[Purpleheart1]

I'm not sure why I am here or what I hope to gain from this. I just felt the need to reach out. It's been three weeks now since my fiance took his own life. He was an amazing person and was so kind, generous, thoughtful and lifted me up in my darkest days.

My fiance was the type of guy that made his presence felt wherever he went. Although he struggled with depression due to so many physical injuries he had sustained and through COVID, he always had faith that things would get better. We spent every day together, laughing dancing, going for walks... he'd pick me flowers and leave notes daily to show me he loved me.

The night before he passed I sensed he was low. He said he just needed to sleep it off and he'd be fine the next day. So in the morning I gave him a big hug and he reassured me he was feeling better. That was the last time I saw him.

The guilt I have has consumed me. How did I not see the signs? Why didn't I save him.? I shoud NOT have gone to work that day. Why didn't he call and talk to someone? He left a note saying he was too proud that he hated himself and the world is better without him. So untrue. Everyone can't believe it. He was the happiest, silliest person. So full of life. So motivational to all.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm low. I feel like I shouldn't be here. If I could trade places with him I would. He was the love of my life and spent every single day making me feel amazing. And just like that, he's gone.

I feel hollow. Empty. What is the point of life? I don't understand? I feel guilt and pain that is indescribable. I have been through loss before. I lost my father when I was 16. I thought I knew what pain was but this is a different level. He said he would always be by my side and that I was the reason he could smile every day. I failed him. And now my life is empty... hollow... numb.

[sunny6]

Hi Purpleheart1. Thank you for writing and sharing about the loss of your wonderful fiance. You sound like a very loving and caring person. Your fiance loved you very much. I have experienced how it feels to lose a loved one to suicide, and it is extremely painful, & one of the most shocking things to go through. I still ask "why?" but there is no answer, and no reason for it. I've searched high and low for answers, but could find none. Are you feeling any better these days? I read in a small booklet received from my church, an article about 'A grief like no other", & that it is often impossible to help and prevent someone taking their own life, no matter how hard we may try. And that "human beings are fragile...being deeply beloved is no guarantee against suicide." You are in my thoughts and prayers. From Sunny6

[LYCB]

Your post broke my heart. I am so sorry for you loss, but I don’t know what else to say as I feel exactly as you do. The guilt I feel after my husband’s death is overwhelming.

I hope you are also getting support outside of this forum. I’ve been given resources to different suicide bereavement support groups and I am more than happy to send you what I have.

People tell me to try to remember the love and happiness rather than the lasts moments but I don’t know if that helps, I’m really struggling with this myself. Please reach out if you want to chat. X