My beautiful girl took her own life- not coping

[CaroW]

My beautiful daughter took her own life on Feb 11. I am struggling with overwhelming grief and having thoughts of not wanting to go on.

We had no idea she was in such a dark place and keep asking why.

Please help me!

[geoff]

My dearest thoughts are with you CaroW, and there will be no prelude to the many questions you ask, because once you believe there may be an answer why, then another query will dominate your thinking, until eventually when you are ready the thought of your daughter and how passionate she was in helping other people will start to dominate your thoughts.

Your heart will always have a spot that could never be filled except for pride and devotion.

Geoff.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning CaroW

I am so pleased to hear that talking and sharing here has helped in some small way, it will continue to also, I think the power of writing and sharing really is so very helpful. I started a journal when Aaron died, it was full of all sorts of things, some were feelings, some where questions and some where down right horrible and abusive, however, it was just for me, no one else and it was not for anyone to see or for me to share with. It helped so much to get it all out, to this day I have not gone back and read it, I don't feel I need to, those words can stay in those pages.

Caitlin sounds like an absolute salt of the earth woman, I am sure that for some time you will get random messages from people whom she touched with her love, kindness and intelligence. I got a message only last month from a girl who is struggling still, she said she feels guilt she could not help him, she was sorry she could not go to the funeral, but wanted to reach out to say how much he meant to her. These are the sorts of things that help me on my healing journey, knowing that in the small amount of time he was here on this Earth and his impact was more that some people have in 80 years of life.

Please take some time for you too, you do not need to punish yourself. Please even get a sandwich or some soup or something into you so that you can nourish your body. Maybe even a trip to the hairdressers to get a shampoo to make you feel some sense of worth. These small things I found to help me greatly.

I have recently been in touch with the police that attended the scene as I did not know the details of the "event"...they were so very amazing and treated me with such care and really ensured that I wanted to know these details, I did need to know as part of my healing as the brain, as you are realizing is a powerful tool and the scenarios that went through my head were damaging. As hard as it was I needed truth and to be able to sit with this news and then process it. This information was also gap filling too in that it did help with some of the questions that I had no answers for.

I guess what I am getting at here is try to focus on truths...the facts..as running scenarios through your brain will exhaust you and maybe even cause unnecessary pain. In time hopefully you will come to a place where I am now in accepting that some questions will never be able to be answered...know one thing though CaroW, she loved you so much.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xxx

[Tay100]

Hi CaroW,

Hearing more about your daughter is very warming, I'm glad sharing lil anecdotes and details about her has brought you comfort. I think engaging in positive grieving behaviours won't necessarily quash the horrible loss and emotion, but it does pave the path for healing and being able to carry that loss into the future in a more bearable way. Keep us as updated as you like.

Sending hugs,

Tay100

[CaroW]

Who'd have thought things could have got worse. I am struggling daily and teary almost all of the time as I grieve for my beautiful girl and still have so many questions. Why? It makes no sense and I still expect to see and hear from her everyday. I have so many questions and no answers.

To make things worse my son has moved back to London so on top of missing him terribly I am super concerned as he is a NHS professional in a hospital with many Covid19 patients. He also suffers from asthma and I am so scared of him getting sick.

My husband has tried so hard to keep my daughters business going to continue the Legacy she created, but now with new legislation he has had to temporally close her business too. Who knows if it will survive?

I feel isolated and so devastated. Will this ever get better?

[Tay100]

Hi CaroW,

Thanks for reaching out again and seeking support, I know it isn't the easiest thing to do during difficult times like this.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's business, especially since so many businesses are suffering this way right now. Perhaps your support network could brainstorm some ideas to help it survive? Or we could do some online sleuthing as to how to help businesses survive or at at least stay afloat using online means during this time together?

It's tough with your son working at a hospital; know that you are not alone about worrying about your loved one who has to continue to provide health-related work, especially when they have vulnerabilities themselves. Are you staying in touch with him? We can find some trustworthy sources on what to do when you are vulnerable but have to continue working that you could possibly communicate to him?

In terms of isolation and disorientation with expecting to see her every day but not, perhaps a mental health professional could assist you with some coping strategies if you feel ok with reaching out for more help. You could check back here how it's going here? We could also navigate some helpful sources in the forums or the Beyond Blue website in general if you like? In times of hardship (personal and socially), advice and structured guidance from a professional can make all the difference.

Sending hugs. Check back here if you want too, we are here for you.

Warmest,
Tay100

[Guest_4643]

Hi CaroW, I just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Daughter. I send my condolonces, I can't imagine what you're going through. Please know that you did your very best, and she's in a better place now. I'm so sorry. Please be safe and take care of yourself, I know it's hard. Thinking of you and wishing you kind thoughts and best wishes, as much as possible in this hard time for you.

Tayla

[Aaronsis]

Hi CaroW

I have no answers, I have no explanations for you ...it is so hard and I know how you are feeling. There are waves and there is a path that you do have to go down with this grief thing and one is the sudden realisation that your daughter is not going to be calling you or you are not going to be seeing her again. While your common sense knows this, the heart does not and it hurts when you do come to this realization that she will not be doing either. To be totally honest with you I don't think I have fully accepted that i will not be hearing from my brother either.....

I had a tough day yesterday and while I did read your message i was not in a position to help you. It was my brother's birthday yesterday and he would have been 20. We were to lay his ashes as a family and try to move through this grief process, although due to not being able to travel I was not able to be with my family and not able to be there while my father buried my brothers ashes. I do understand that they need to do this for their own mental health and for their healing process but it was so hard not to be there. I am feeling better today knowing that he is in his final resting place as he requested and now he is finally free...

There are so many things going on for you at the moment and I think trying to manage in small bites is easier than sometimes looking too far ahead. Please try not to role play the worst cases for your son. Front line workers are so well across what they need to do to stay safe and I know it is no help to you but he will be taking care of himself and mostly taking care of others, for which I thank him so very much for. Try to facetime him and stay connected, be there for each other.

I think maybe the world is kind of "on hold" at the moment until this virus passes. Maybe if you think of putting your daughters business "on hold" until this wave is over and also until you are a little stronger. You both don't need the extra stress while you are trying to heal. I am sure you feel enormous guilt for her business not thriving but at this time I don't think anyone's business is. Maybe take this time to catch a breath.

Keep talking and sharing , even if you want to purge some of the questions you have that you can't get answers for, I might be able to share some of my healing on them, at the very least you can get them out, if you like that is.

Please try to do something to make you feel good, it really does help even for a few minutes.

Sarah xxx

[CaroW]

Thank you Sarah, your messages always make sense and make me feel a little better.

I am having an online counselling session on Thursday. It was organised as a face to face but now is via zoom. I’m hoping she will help me with some strategies.

Im so sorry about your brother. It’s so hard when we don’t have the answers we so desperately seek.

We so wanted to keep her business afloat. Something we actually thought we could do before this virus changed all of our lives.

thsnk you again x

[CaroW]

Thank you Tay.

I really value and appreciate you responding to my post.

While we have a very supportive social group, the added pain of being isolated has meant contact has only been over FaceTime etc.

Often I just need a hug or someone to hear my tears.

2020 has been so horrible and we had so much hope for this new year.

i know others are struggling too and send my love x

[Aaronsis]

Great to chat some more with you CaroW

I am so happy to hear that you are going to have a counselling session on Thursday, I hope with all my heart that you can get some peace from the session, I really found my session invaluable, I hope you too feel the same. I found that so I could get the best from my sessions I would write some dot points down beforehand as at the time sometimes being in a space of asking for help is foreign to us so we do freeze up and feel uncomfortable. Then to add the rawness of suicide and then the fact is has taken your daughter is alot to digest and then to have to talk openly about. But..welcome the chance to ask some of the questions and share the feelings you have, the more you can share and be open the better your session will be, well this was my experience CaroW, I am just wishing this for you too.

This year I agree was for me too supposed to be better, it has infact not proven to be so. However we have hope CaroW, we have love and support and we have hope. I truly believe that we are stronger than we know and between our grief, this bloody virus, people losing jobs and families with nothing, it will be ok, we will get through this and we will have so much more appreciation for life and for each other, I believe that.

Keep your husband close and keep taking to your son, keep connected and keep talking here. Together we will get through this time. You are doing so many things right CaroW, you are seeking help, you are talking here, you wont be the same CaroW you once were, you will miss your daughter every day of your life, BUT...there is still joy in each day, there are reasons to smile, there is still love...your eyes and heart will see and feel this again.

I am here with you, if only through words but my heart goes out to you and your family CaroW.

My support to you xxx

Sarah