My beautiful girl took her own life- not coping

[CaroW]

My beautiful daughter took her own life on Feb 11. I am struggling with overwhelming grief and having thoughts of not wanting to go on.

We had no idea she was in such a dark place and keep asking why.

Please help me!

[geoff]

Hello CaroW, such a difficult thread to start as the pain you are suffering from must be extraordinary, my deepest and sincerest condolences to you.

It's such a devastating loss that you may not have any answer to all the questions you keep asking yourself and sometimes it's impossible for you to know the pain she was going through as she was hiding her thoughts, this is not any fault of yours and only wished you had contacted us much earlier, but certainly understand your situation.

Can I offer you a couple of phone calls to make or even by email and these are:

-Suicide callback service 1300 659 467 where you can also chat with a counsellor

-Lifeline 13 11 14

-supportaftersuicide.org.au › find-related-organisations

-wingsofhope.org.au › urgent-help

-www.grief.org.au

Our deepest thoughts are with you at this time and please contact 'standby support' by typing this into your search browser.

Please get back to us as we want to be there with you over this sudden shock that happened almost four weeks ago.

Please take care and really hope that you are able to get back to us.

Geoff. x

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello there and welcome

I can't even imagine, as a fellow mum, how this must feel. I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Are you receiving any professional help to assist you through this difficult period? I understand there are also grief and loss groups, perhaps online or even in your area. I know there is one locally here where they go on nature walks and talk, which sounds like a beautiful experience.

If you do want help accessing services in your area, you could call the Beyond Blue helpline and they can assist you. But if you just want to talk, I'm happy to listen too. This is a safe space full of kind and gentle people who care about what you're going through.

Sending you kind thoughts, Katy

[Tay100]

Hi CaroW,

Firstly, I'm so sorry that this has happened.

I agree with what other people have said here. Do you have a support network to lean on? This could people in your personal life whom could you could share your grief with and/or mental health professionals, like from the places geoff suggested. Self-care and seeking a compassionate community (at your own pace and in a way that works best for you) is really important in healing, and you've come to a great place to start that journey. We are listening if/when you want to share more or for anything else you might need, no pressure at all.

Sending warm regards

Tay100

[Ggrand]

Hello CaroW..

Im so deeply sorry about your beautiful daughter..My sincere and deepest condolences...

No words could ever relieve the deep hurt and pain you feeling...but would like to echo Geoff’s words..it not your fault..Your daughter was keeping her thoughts to herself...

Please stay in touch with us here...if you feel up to it..also if possible reach out to your gp..he/she will be able to help you with professional councilling and give you some contacts that may be able to help you as well...

Your in my thoughts, CaroW...and I’m deeply so sad for your loss..

Grandy...

[Aaronsis]

Hello CaroW

Your post hit me to my core as I came here for the very reason you are....the answer to "WHY"....I am so beyond sorry that you have had to go through this most traumatic time, I dont think as a parent it gets worse than this. From my heart I am so beyond sorry this has happened to you and to your family.

I lost my brother who was 19 in July last year, my father will never be the same, I have changed too and our family is ..well different now.

I want to start by saying this is NOT YOUR FAULT, that there was actually nothing you could have done differently on that day to make the outcome different. I have learnt that here, that by talking to survivors of suicide that this is such a personal and private journey and of course...had you have known you would have shifted the earth to change the outcome. I hope that you can hear that, that this is not your fault.

We too had no idea, not one clue, not one sign so I share with you the shock of not only losing your beautiful daughter but the way in which she passed also. The shock is so very horrific and so very confronting and while your journey of healing is just beginning, I can tell you from being 6 months further down the track that the shock does settle.

People also say time heals all wounds, I don't believe that to be true, I believe in time, you come to accept that the pain will be with you and you learn to have it with you as part of the new version of who you are, I have found to be true for me that we wont be the same again, we are coping but we are different.

I also have sought councelling and while I understand that it is not for everyone I found it to be one of the keys in my journey of understanding suicide, of learning about suicide. I hope you consider finding a grief counsellor and seeing if it can help you and your family too. I had to learn how to have a conversation with my step mother as I didn't agree with her "blaming" but I had to learn about what it must be like for a mother to lose her son/child, that it was not my role to agree but to listen, to acknowledge and let her be heard and not judge her.

Being here and talking and sharing and hearing other people's stories and how they are managing and coping, as well as talking to survivors of suicide has been invaluable to me.

I am almost running out of characters here but writing, get it all out...is the key to my healing too....

My heart goes out to you and I hope to chat some more to you.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[CaroW]

Thanks Katy and to all who have replied.

I have contacted the grief line and have made an appointment with my GP and will be seeing her tomorrow, as I am really struggling.

I'm finding I am constantly teary and on the edge ready cry all day. I can't stop searching for answers and questioning why I couldn't see her overwhelming despair.

We would have done anything to help her, if only we had known just how much she was hurting. I'm searching for answers and have so many questions.

I loved her more than anything on this earth. I was so so proud of the amazing woman she was. So kind and caring to everyone. So generous and warm. A more beautiful person you wouldn't find.

In January this year she charted a plane and flew it to Bairnsdale to donate supplies to the bushfire victims, she mentored and nurtured all who crossed her path,she would give away her last dollar to someone in need or cancel her plans to help even a stranger her needed her skills and care. She volunteered for and supported the needy, never doing anything for herself.

Why then didn't she love herself? What on earth was going through her mind? How will I ever get past this devastating grief and despair. She is on my mind all day and all night. I'm not sleeping, barely eating and can't imagine life without her.

[Aaronsis]

Hello CaroW

It is great that you are back to share some of your pain as well as your daughter's story. I can hear your pain but mostly I can hear your confusion, your disbelief and feel with you the search to find answers.

My brother had a very similar life it seems to your daughter, he was the dux of each of his school years, he got three scholarships to study Chemical Engineering at University, his intelligence was outstanding, but so was his humility, his ability to be there for all of his friends not only to help them with their studies but to sit up all night and talk through their problems, it seems he was everyone's rock......so my burning question was the same as yours "did he know how loved he was?"..the answer I believe is yes, and I believe it to be true for your beautiful girl too, that is partly what I learnt at counselling that this is not about the things you and I know to be rational. My brother obviously suffered so much with depression and anxiety and it was not until we got to read his letter that we knew that they even existed in his life. He always seemed so happy and like any other 19 year old man. This is also the thing, the ability to hide behind a mask and to ensure that they do come across as "happy". I think perhaps your daughter may have been the same, having the ability to put others first, do anything for anyone else, just not take a rock for themselves and not let people be there for them.

I am so pleased that you are seeking some professional help, I hope that you get as much as I did out of it as I really can say that I would not be this "healed" for want of a better word, without the support of my counsellor and the people here on this platform.

CaroW, the questions will go on and on and on in your brain, that is the pain of suicide, I got through this time by having to accept that the only person who could answer these questions was my brother, the why's the why nots....you will make yourself crazy trying to make sense of this, there is no sense to be made and that is why is hurts so very very much.

Crying is how you will spend your time for awhile, and that is fine too, as you said you loved her to the ends of the Earth, for me, I woke up one day and actually could not cry anymore, it does get easier CaroW, like I said in my first post to you, I don't think "time heals all wounds" but it does make it different and it is the "different" that enables you to get through the day.

My heart goes to you CaroW

Sarah

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

CaroW

I'm glad you're seeking support. As I said I can't imagine how it must feel as a mum. So feel what you need to feel. Let those tears out. Your daughter sounds like she was an amazingly generous person. Check back in here as you feel you need. I'm really glad to see Sarah has replied to you too.

My kind thoughts. Katy

[CaroW]

Thank you Sarah. Your story was certainly similar in many ways.

Caitlin was brilliant too. A dentist and a pilot. Always looking for new ways to make a difference. Just the mention of her name made me proud. The people who have contacted me since she left us have nothing but love respect and gratitude toward her.

Sharing her story with you makes me feel a little better but can’t answer the questions.
thank you for caring 💕