Mum of 3 feeling alone and struggling with life

[Atmraanedgaer]

Hi, i just signed up today as I did the depression test and scored very high. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety my whole life and having a husband who also suffers this doesn't help. Ill start from 2 years ago where i started to turn my life around, started exercising and losing weight and planning for a wedding and found out i was pregnant with baby no 3. 2 days before our wedding i lost the baby and spent the night in hospital as i lost a substantial amount of blood, this is when things turned again for the worst, l fell in a deep depression where i struggled to leave the house and couldn't be around pregnant women, later that year my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and i fell pregnant again so it was hard for me to be excited about the pregnancy because of my mum and i had alot of complications during the pregnancy so i was always on edge. Last year i had my beautiful boy and then 10 weeks later my mum past away from cancer (she didn't even get to meet my son she past away on her way to visit him). I struggle everyday with her not being here and blame myself for not being able to see her much as we live 12hr drive away. To make things worse i lost my grandfather a month after my mum (whom i was close to) my uncle has been diagnosed with brain cancer late last year and this year my husband has suffered a mild heart attack and was diagnosed with a tumor in his kidney which they had to remove. At this stage the cancer hasn't spread but they will have to do 6month check ups to be sure. I have put on alot of weight and am really hating myself and dont really have anything to look forward to, i live away from family and dont have many friends and feel incredibly alone all the time, and have no support here so im with my kids 24/7, my kids dont make me happy anymore and i cry almost everyday. My marriage is falling apart as we are always fighting mainly over money, im lost, i dont know what to do and dont know how to get out of it. I feel like im alone and no one understands what im going through probably why i cant make friends and i hide from socially gatherings with my kids school etc. Please help i cant live like this anymore.

[PamelaR]

Hi Atmraanedgaer

Sending you the warmest welcome to our community. Oh my you've been through so much grief and sadness over the past year or two. You sound a very remarkable person though to survive. Well done you.

Grief can be so painful can't it. It has so many phases and these don't happen in any order. Making it even more difficult to get on with things.

From everything you have said I'd say you doing really well and you have every right to feel very proud of yourself. Though I do understand why you feel the way you do. Losing a baby like that is so hard. I've lost a few and each one stays with you throughout life. My hubby and I celebrate (now) our first one's birthday each year now. She would have been 35 this coming Boxing Day. Until we did this, each Xmas was an incredibly sad time for us. I used to go into a very deep depression. We have found a little peace now.

The death of your mum and grand dad are also incredibly sad Atmaraanedgaer. Losing family is always hard and as the extended family becomes smaller the more alone one feels. Both my parents have passed along with all grandparents and most aunts and uncles. I have one aunt who I visit on her birthday as her kids (my cousins have a birthday party for her). She's 95 now.

Now your husband being sick must really make things even worse for you. How difficult it must be, especially now you are arguing all the time, with the kids being no support for you. My heart goes out to you. Life sounds very extreme. Do you mind if I ask some questions?

Are you in a big or small city? From what I hear making friends is possibly more difficult in remoter areas. It must be difficult getting to join clubs or groups having a young child. Though, often this is a source of friendship - getting to meet parents of children at pre schools, play dates etc.

I guess you have a doctor to talk through your concerns? Have you thought about getting a referral to a health professional to help you through what you're experiencing?

Do you know about PANDA (Peri-natal anxiety and depression Australia) - 1300 726 306? Also help people with post natal depression.

Hope some of this helps Atmraanedgaer. You're not alone. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[quirkywords]

hi Atmraanedgaer, I too want to welcome you to the forum,

You have suffered so much grief and loss over a short period of time.

Just suffering the loss of a baby would be a lot to cope with but you are grieving your mother and grandfather and now are coping with your husband’s illness.

That is so much grief you handle.

No wonder you are depressed.

Pamela has written a helpful post with suggestions.

I wonder if you are looking after yourself as I know you will look after your children and your husband before yourself but it is important you are making sure you are eating well and have exercise as you are under a lot of pressure.

Have you spoken to a grief counsellor . There are groups who provide free grief counselling,

I think because you have had so much grief in a short period of time and you are still grieving for your baby and this may make it hard to relate to your children.

looking after young children is stressful and isolating at the best of times but you are looking after children and coping with grief at same time.

Is it possible to arrange some casual childcare , cause of your situation you may be able to get your children mi died for one day a week or fortnight so it gives you some space and time.

please post here when you feel like it. you are not alone and we are here to support you.

Quirky

[Atmraanedgaer]

Thank you for your comments, i needed to be reassured i wasnt being over the top and that what im going through and feeling is normal. I do live in a small country town and only being here for a few years and not having any family around has been really tough. I do struggle to meet people, i enjoy being around people but dont at the same time and sometimes feel like id rather be alone. Although I have my husband and kids i feel incredibly alone all the time and my depression stops me from going anywhere to meet new people. I have tried finding groups in my area that do help people going through grief especially from cancer but have had no luck and being in a small community there's not much support and counseling is limited and expensive so thats no option for me. During the past year, my husband and i haven't been intimate really at all, its mainly my fault as i have no want for it at all, as putting on weight ive lost my confidence and im so down all the time and tired , i just dont have the energy. The other day my husband told me because he has been rejected by me so many times he lost his confidence and now doesn't see me as a sexual partner and does not ever want to have sex again. This has crushed me as i have no control on how my body works and at this stage with everything ive been through its the last thing on my min, but im hoping it will change, doesn't help that we haven't had time away from the kids since our first was born. And yes he has had cancer but he survived it and at this stage he is cancer free, but he goes on about it and gets angry at me if i get upset about my mum as he says i care more about her than him.... im happy he survived, my mum didnt so i cant grieve over her? Im lost i dont know what to do, i feel like i have no one to speak to. Im extremely tired all the time i cant afford to put my children in childcare so i can have a brake and i have no one to look after them. And i feel like im always complaining and no one wants to hear that.

[Hope19]

Hi Atmraanedgaer,

I too am a newbie on here and came here because I too feel incredibly lonely, I don't suffer depression but I have had what called be called a very traumatic few years after an acrimonious breakup and as a result lost all the friends I had. I too live in a country town and it is lonely, very lonely I have no friends, am very far away from family, I do have 2 children who I try to absorb my time in but I have also been so stuck in my torn world that I feel like a bad mum at times. I have a partner who had to move for employment and he has always been my best friend, we would do everything together, he is my soul mate but now that he has gone I feel so incredibly lost and lonely, I don't know where to start the day and I am anxious about what's going to happen even though I try to remain focused on the here and now and not the past or think of the future. I have a narcissistic ex who has gone out of his way to make my life hell and has refused my request to move, I want to take my children as he can't look after them and now I am stuck unable to get out of what feels like a tiny, tiny room I am trapped in and all I want to do is move on in life and be happy with my soul mate.

I don't have the answer to your situation but I wanted to share mine with you and let you know that you are not alone, there is support here that can help you and don't feel like you're always complaining, you're just trying to make sense of things and get things off your chest, find another perspective.

Take care and reach out whenever you need it