The warmest of welcomes as you navigate such a painful and grief stricken part of your path in life. My heart goes out to you more than you can imagine. I'm so glad you've met with Grandy, someone with such a truly beautiful heart, someone who has supported and guided many over the years on the forums here.
I believe miscarriage comes with such a unique type of grief partly because no one has physically met with he or she who has passed. Besides meeting them in an ultrasound, no one can visualise he or she who we have felt so close to for weeks or months. It can be an extremely personal type of grief based on so many different reasons. I believe the people who can perhaps best relate are those who have felt this type of grief themself.
The grief can vary greatly depending on the circumstances, such as
- the number of miscarriages we've faced
- how early or late in the pregnancy the miscarriage/s happened
- whether the pregnancy was planned or not and what the plans involved. IVF comes with an extensive amount of planning and expectation, for example
- how we imagined life was going to be with that little person in it
- whether we've had a child or children before or after the miscarriage/s or whether every pregnancy has involved miscarriage
- the circumstances that surrounded the miscarriage/s (which can include whether we had to go to hospital or not)
the list goes on. Everyone's experience is unique to them.
While the miscarriages I experienced happened around 20 years ago, there we only two. I can only imagine the grief that comes with four and, still, what I imagine would not come close to the grief you're actually feeling. For me they were both early stage (one at around 8 weeks and the other at around 12). Both were planned and came with a lot of sadness. While the advice I was given by a couple of well meaning people was 'You need to move on and stop dwelling', I couldn't 'move on' and 'stop dwelling' without some guidance. For me, I found guidance in a couple of books. One was about the clinical side of miscarriage, just the facts. The other was from a very emotional perspective, based on the experiences of different women who had faced this. Both books guided me to a greater sense of understanding. Until then, I was completely lost. Of course, what works for every person will be different.
While Grandy guides you towards an organisation of people who can guide you further, I believe we can come to find our way in the dark. Brilliant guides can not only lead the way but also shed much needed light on why we can be suffering so much. The people from SANDS may prove to be those who not only hold your hand along this part of your path but also those who offer the warmth you need to feel. There are parts of our path that are not meant to be traveled alone. ❤️
