Lost my dad 6 weeks ago

M6100S · ‎11-10-2015

My dad died in a surfing accident 6 weeks ago, he was only 54 and a professional surfer, so it was a shock to us all.

I have also had several relationship breakdowns in the past 6 months - a falling out with my 2 best friends and my boyfriend moved to America.

I am having money trouble at the moment so I need to go to work (I work full time), however I'm really struggling to feel motivated, the day to day stuff is really hard. I just feel so sad and guilty most of the time, and worried about my mum and my two brothers (as I don't live with them).

I feel like I can't cope. I have recently made an appointment with a therapist, but would you suggest taking time off work and removing myself from the situation, or keep going and try and deal with it? I just don't know what the best thing is for me to do right now.

Any advice would be great 🙂

geoff · ‎12-10-2015

dear M6, my most sincere condolences for the passing of your dad, and it's never an easy time when you loved him so much and that it was such unexpected.

I only wish that you could just find a way that you could overcome this sad occurrence in a way that would allow you to get on with your life, but unfortunately most times this is impossible.

To answer your question is rather difficult, and the reason I say this is because either way, that is stay at work, you won't be able to concentrate or focus on your job, because you are suffering by losing your dad, and if you take time off, well then you might be worse of by crawling up into a ball and showing all your emotions.

There is a positive sign that if you do take time off work, then you would be able to go and visit your doctor, but what may help you, although there will be many tears involved here, is to start a book about your dad, his achievements, his dreams and his good and bad times in life and the relationship between the both of you.

I am really sorry for you. L Geoff. x

White_Rose · ‎12-10-2015

Dear M6/100

Hello and welcome. I am so sorry that your father died recently and I offer you my sympathy and condolences. The loss of anyone you care about is sad, but a parent is special.

Geoff has made some great suggestions. Especially writing about your dad. It can be very therapeutic even if you shed many tears during the process.

I know you do not live with your mother and brothers, but are you close enough to visit fairly often? One of the most comforting things to do is to talk about someone who has passed away. This is good for the whole family and helps to remind everyone of the good times you had together. I know this has helped me on several occasions. The "remember when..." stories can bring you all closer together and helps to lift the pain from a little.

Like Geoff I am unsure how to answer you about taking leave. First of all, do you have paid leave available? When I had a dreadful depression, and I know we are talking about different circumstances, my psych wanted me to take time off work. I was horrified at the thought of spending all day on my own. It was bad enough in the evening, trying to cope. Something of that nature occurs to me about your comment. If you feel it will help you recover and not exacerbate your grief, then go ahead. There is the spin off that you could visit your mom and brothers and perhaps stay for a few days. And this may be really helpful for all of you.

Just think how you cope and make your decision from there. Please write in again.

Mary

Neil_1 · ‎12-10-2015

Hi there M6

Please accept my sincere condolences for the very sad and unexpected loss of your Dad.

Six weeks is no time at all – the pain and emotion you’re feeling will be so terribly raw and severe for you (and other family members and friends).

It’s sad to hear that your relationships have fallen down recently as well, as having a close friend to help you at this time, would have been very helpful. I hope you have other support mechanisms in place – perhaps other family members and/or friends?

I’m guessing you’ve made the appointment for a therapist through your doctor? If yes, has your doctor provided any other thoughts of assistance for you at this time?

Has your workplace been supportive? As Geoff alluded to, this is a tricky situation for we as outsiders to advise on, because only you can really know which is the best way to approach this. It could also depend a bit on the kind of job you have – in that, if you’re in a job where you can get by and complete tasks by yourself, with no major stressors, then you may find this an ok existence for the time being. However, if it is a high pressure job; or you deal with the public, etc – that could make things a little more difficult?

Also being at work can help (at times) to take your mind off the grief OR the other way would be that your grief will overwhelm you and get in the road of you completing your job. Again, only you can know how this will be for you.

I hope this wasn’t too wishy washy a response for you; but would also love to hear back from you. Just remember though, that six weeks isn’t a long time at all.

Kind regards

Neil

M6100S · ‎13-10-2015

Hi Neil, Mary and Geoff,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and thoughtful replies. I have found them very useful - and recognising that is early days is a huge help. I think I will talk over taking leave with my therapist, as it is a tough decision to make. I do find that being around people at work and not by myself helps to lift my mood, so it could be dangerous for me to have too much alone time. I also feel really really tired and bad about myself most of the time, so doing a good job at work is pretty difficult, I make a lot of mistakes, am often late or leave early, and that stresses me out. But I think if I tell them a bit more about what's going on with me then they might be a bit more understanding.

My family live in coffs harbour, (me in Sydney) so a trip home for a few days sounds like a good idea.

Thanks again,

M

Neil_1 · ‎14-10-2015

Hi there M6/100S (unusual name by the way, has me intrigued - but that's ok, it doesn't take much to intrigue me)

If you're able to get away for a short while (I think any time is better than none), that could be a good thing for you. Especially as you've mentioned that you are worried about your Mum and your brothers - getting together as a family again, I think can only be a good thing.

The other alternative, depending on everyone's situation of course, could be to invite your Mum (or your bro's) to Sydney for a long weekend or something like that. Which could help, as you may be able to show them around 'town' and do a bit of a touristy thing for them.

Just a thought.

Neil