Lost My Best Friend Of 10 Years To Suicide

[Bee1998]

In February this year (2021), I received a phone call to say that my best friend had died (committed suicide). At first I was calm/in shock, as it did not feel real.... Once I hung up the phone, I broke down into tears. I felt a sudden darkness/coldness run through me, and I felt the most sadness I've ever felt in my whole life. I did not stop crying for the next few days after finding out the daunting news. My eyes were swollen and black all around from the amount I had cried. I just could not stop. I refused to leave my bed, as I felt physically sick every time I did.

A few months have passed, and I am starting to feel a lot better than I did (in regards to the sadness), but I am not the same as I used to be. Every day since I lost my friend, I have felt so lost and stuck in the same place constantly. She was the only person in my life that I could properly talk to about anything and everything, and the only person who actually understood and gave real, honest advice. She was the only friend I could be entirely myself around, and the longest/closest friend I had my entire life. She was like a sister to me. In high school we had sleepovers at each others houses almost every night and spent every weekend together. We had baths and showers together, slept in the same bed, we did everything together. We were inseparable. Even once we had finished high school, we drifted apart for a while and didn't speak, but when we came back into contact, it was like we never stopped talking, like we saw each other just yesterday. We always had this special bond between the two of us. We both always knew that no matter how long we went without seeing each other or speaking, we would still love each other forever.

It has been a really rough past few months for me, as I haven't been able to speak to anyone properly about what happened, so it has been bottled up inside.

I just miss my friend so much, and often I have thoughts like "Maybe this is just a joke, and she will reappear one day soon." It doesn't feel real.....

I have also been having really strong thoughts of suicide myself, pretty much every day since I lost my friend. Could really use someone to talk to....

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Bee1998,

Thank you for your reply; that really sucks and I'm sorry to hear about your friends. If I can be kinda frank here I think some people can suck when it comes to grief. There's actually a big part of me that thinks that your friend left you on read because maybe she didn't know what to say - or they are "busy" because it feels too painful and too real. It's not at all fair, and it's not at all on you- and it is most definately not a sign.

The same thing happened to me when I was in high school too. It was almost like I went from being their friend to being so distant overnight. I'm really glad that you said you know that you don't deserve to be treated like this, because you are right, and you don't.

Sarah mentioned seeing a counsellor, is that something that you are open to? There's also some grief support groups around which could be something to think about too. Ok either way of course, just something to think about.

rt