Loss of my grandparents

[miastevens]

I lost my grandpa just over a year ago and I’m not taking it very well. We weren’t that close and that’s the thing that bothers me. I feel like I should have done more to try and get closer to him and to have a better relationship. It was hard though because he lived three hours away so I could only really call him but still I didn’t even do that. My dad is taking it hard as well because it was his dad and I just guess I’m feeling really guilty and wish that I could’ve done more to be closer.

My grandma passed away 3 years ago and she died of cancer. She died because she didn’t want to have chemo because she didn’t want her hair to fall out. I wish I could have talked her into having chemo she maybe she might still be alive today. And I also feel the same way with her as my grandpa. I just wish I could have called them more and told them I loved them and gotten to know them as people more. It was hard because my parents didn’t want to drive up there so I didn’t have a super close bond with them. We only really saw them on special occasions like Christmas or Easter and still that wasn’t enough. I just miss them and wish I could talk to them again. Recently their house sold and I guess that just made me finally realize how real it is that they’re gone and that I’ll never be able to see them again or talk to them. I went up and packed away their things and I just started balling and I guess the realization that we are never going to see them and that I didn’t even get to tell them I loved them one last time hit me. I would never get to hug them or play cards with them or anything ever again. It just makes me sad whenever I think about them and I try not to but every day I just get this feeling of guilt that I should have done more but I know I can’t.

i miss them so much :’(

Mia

[PamelaR]

Hi Mia and very warm welcome to our forums

My heart goes out to you. The loss of anyone close is very painful and takes some time to heal. Though I must say the pain of the loss is still there for me. My older brother died when I was 12. He was 18. That was may decades ago now, however, I still think of him with fondest, love, and miss him very much.

What you are experiencing Mia is normal. I think anyone who feels and loves, experiences the pain of the loss of a loved one. Possibly now you are experiencing not just the loss of them, but what you may have had with them. That too, is normal.

I think one of the biggest things I read from your post (correct me if this doesn't sound like you) is the guilt one feels when one thinks they were not a good grandchild? It is so hard in hindsight to think what we could have done and could have been. Life has happened, you saw your grandparents as much as most people do I expect. I only ever had one grandmother, all the others had passed away by the time I was old enough to know who a grandparent was. The thoughts about getting your grandma to have chemo are only that - thoughts. Life has progressed and try was we would like, it's not possible to turn back the clock.

To be honest with you, I have a reasonable sense on things in the world, but I too have thought about what I'd do if I had to have chemo. My preference now and I expect any time in the future is to also say no. It may be hard on those we leave behind, but we too want to have a quality of life. Chemo doesn't always give you that, however, there are many here who will disagree and who have had chemo.

The thing is Mia, we are all individuals. Everyone makes choices ultimately for themselves. I know I've already expressed my wishes to hubby. I've yet to tell my doctor.

The grieving phases takes their time and there is no particular order. Though when things happen, e.g. the selling of your grandparent home can be a trigger. It's actually very good you've recognised this. For me it sounds like you are a very emotionally intelligent person. Hopefully things will settle for you as you work through your grief.

One thing I'd like to say is - try to be kinder to yourself. You sound like an awesome child and grandchild!

Kind regards

PamelaR