Loss of my baby, why am I still here???

[Reanna85]

Hi, I am only new to this but I feel like I need help and only feel comfortable talking to strangers.  My husband and I were expecting our first baby three years ago. We were so excited but at 38 weeks I noticed she wasn't moving much so I went to the doctor and they bluntly told me "there is no heartbeat". I didn't understand and then had to deliver my baby girl the next day, she wasn't crying, she was so still. My husband and I rarely talk about it, and have since had two healthy children, but I have suffered depression since my first. I tried to speak to several councillors but never felt comfortable. Meditation etc may help for some people but it isn't for me.

Now my depression is affecting the relationship with my husband and kids. I am always angry and feel stuck in a rut. I don't even know how to explain the way I feel or explain what it is doing to my family but I don't want to lose my husband, and I want my kids to remember me as a happy mum, not who I am now.

 I carry on life like everything is normal to my extended family. My parents and siblings have no idea how I feel, they see me smile and think everything is ok, but don't know that I think about ending my life on a daily basis. I have no friends, I have never really had friends. 

I feel so alone in my thoughts and would love some guidance on what to do? I think my kids are better off without me with me in this state of mind....

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Reanna,

A friend of mine had a stillborn too.  They never got over it.   Maybe you could try and involve your husband in some joint counselling but it seems a really hard hill to climb.  Most would minimalise your loss and say 'But you have two healthy children" what are you going on about ?'.

It's possible that losing a child at any age is unsurmountable.  In my extended family we have a child remembered due to drowning in a pool.  And that was 40 yrs ago.  It's left a traumatic mark.   People might sense your adhesion to duty but underneath you need to let out some rage to elicit understanding.  Maybe you could do an anger management course - a short one is only 6 weeks and they don't cost much.  Might give you a few tools and ability to spot triggers and all that jazz. It's probably worth trying to organise some therapy or even going to Emergency and getting admitted to the psych ward as a suicidal figure.   It might take the pressure off and also draw attention to your plight in a tad more caring manner.  You might even meet someone else who lost a child the way you did.   There are so many ways to communicate and Beyondblue has lists after lists of these sort of contacts.   Just make a decision to find help.

Adios, David.

[ModeratorA]

Dear Reanna, what a traumatic introduction to parenting you have had, such sadness and loss for you and your husband. Grief like this is a strange thing- it can come and go when you least expect it or it can hang in the air around  every breath. You are not alone with this. There are people who can support you.  It is really important to get some help , especially as it is now influencing your other relationships (with your husband and other children).  We know it can be hard to speak  about personal things but it really is worth reaching out for some support. Like you have done by posting on this forum. A good first point is your GP, he/she will be able to speak with you about this and recommend somebody for you to be in contact with. There are face to face and phone services you can use if you prefer not to see somebody directly.  1300 2246 36 is the number for beyond. You will find a supportive person to speak to if you call this number. Getting some help with this will not take away your memory of your baby that you lost but will help you manage the grief that you have in a way that it doesn't interfere with other parts of your life. Let us know how you go.

the moderators

[geoff]

dear Reanna, I'm so sorry that I have only found your post, it's nobodies fault only mine.

This is a time in your life which must have been terrible, and it's something that my elder brother and his wife has had to also go through, and the funeral was absolutely so painful and awful to watch a tiny little coffin being carried out only by the dad.

It certainly wouldn't be a topic that you would talk about because the memories are something that you only want sealed away in your own thoughts.

You have to decide whether you tell your younger children or whether it is locked away, either way it's not an easy decision.

I am really pleased that you have contacted us, as you need the support form someone who is outside the family unit.

This can be a way to be able to communicate without the fear of knowing that any family member will keep asking you questions, ones which you don't want to be asked.

Your children have two parents that deeply love them, and this love is mutual, one which will guide them forever, in any direction they go, and it also works conversely in that down the track they will be assisting you and your husband as you both age.

As they grow older they do all the tricks that adolescents try, and you both will oppose them, but that's just being kids, the foundations that you both have formed will create a better loving future.

I can truly understand how you feel and I am worried for you and your family, especially you, I hope that you  can read the replies. Take care. L Geoff. xx

[BecomingAThriver]

Dear Reanna,

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. What was your beautiful baby girl's name?

I lost a baby to an early but missed miscarriage (12 week scan) only 4 years ago... I don't think you ever get over it, just through it.

I can highly recommend SIDs and Kids if you haven't already accessed their services, please contact them. They know what it's like, personally, and are amazing. http://www.sidsandkids.org/bereavement-support/

Also, if you're a big reader, a book called Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I can't remember who wrote it, but it was wonderful for me.

I don't think I'll ever forget reading once, that we call a child who has lost their parents an orphan, a husband or wife who have lost their partner a widower, but there is no name for a parent who has lost a child, it is too sad, there can be no words.