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Loss of mother

nicmor78
Community Member

Hi there, this week we buried my beautiful mother after a two year well fought battle with cancer. 
While it’s only been 10 days since her passing, I thought I was doing ok. I’m trying to put up a front of being ok, but in private I’m very much not ok.

The thought of celebrating Christmas fills me with dread. I don’t want to ruin Christmas for my family, however I feel like I just want to crawl into a hole and come out some time next year. Christmas Day is supposed to be with my  husbands family this year, but I desperately want to be with my family - is that selfish? I feel like they are the only ones that understand how I feel at the moment.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced similar - it really is a challenging time losing someone so close this time of year, when everyone else is looking forward to the holidays and I just feel empty and numb.

5 Replies 5

Matchy69
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Nicholas78 I can relate to losing your mother to cancer.I lost my mother to cancer on Christmas day after almost 3 year battle.I also lost my father to cancer years earlier.I struggle with Christmas these days and usually just have an early one with my kids and a quiet one on Christmas day remembering my beautiful mother.I think you have every right to spend Christmas with your own family as things are totally different this year for you.Maby another day to spend with your husband family.And your husband and his family should be understanding towards you wanting to spend Christmas  with your family.It takes time to grieve and make sure you grieve in the way you want to and remember your wonderful mother the way you want to.

Eagle Ray
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear Nicmor,

 

I’m so sorry for your recent loss. I don’t think it is selfish to want to be with your family at Christmas at all. I think it is natural to want to be with the people you feel will most understand how you’re feeling at this time. Do you think your husband may be open to spending time with them? I would hope his family are understanding if that is what you know is best for you right now, but in any case I feel it’s ok to make a decision in your own best interests, especially at this vulnerable time.

 

My Mum died in November 2020. Her death came very suddenly so I was still in shock and just ended up with the wrong people around me in the weeks following her death, including Christmas and New Year. I’ve since more connected with the extended family members who have been more loving and supportive, but my grieving process was most definitely delayed and kind of derailed by a lack of support and unhelpful interactions from less than sensitive individuals following my Mum’s death. So I feel it’s important to put your needs first and seek the company of people you know intuitively are the right people for you at this time.

 

If you do spend Christmas with your husband’s family there is also the option of still seeing your family members around this time too, just giving you that chance to still be with them even if not on Christmas Day itself. Christmas can put a lot of pressure on one day, so it might help to think of the holiday season in general and keeping in contact with those people who are most supportive over the Christmas/New Year period.

 

It is still very soon since your dear Mum passed so it’s really understandable you are feeling empty and numb. My heart goes out to you as I know how hard it is. Take good care and know it is totally ok to be feeling as you do, to cry or do whatever you need to do. Sending you kindness and care and a big hug if you would like one 🤗

Eagle Ray

Hi Eagle Ray, Thankyou so much for your kind and wise message, I really appreciate it.

I am so sorry you also have lost your mum, it’s a tough club to be in isn’t it! Sending you support at this time of year and may you feel her with you 💙

Thanks again for taking to time to reply, it has really helped me. Take care

Hi Matchy69,

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply, most appreciated.

I am so sorry to hear that you also lost your beautiful mum at Christmas, I hope you are surrounded by loved ones at this time. 
Thanks for your advise, it’s nice to feel understood.
Sending you a big hug at this time of year, I’m sure it never gets easier 

Take care

Eagle Ray
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Take care and all the best Nicmor78. I do have times of feeling my Mum’s presence and I know you will too, and you too Matchy69. Go gently and sending kind thoughts 🙏💕