Loss and compilations after a family death by suicide

[Oceanviews]

Last year my sister decided to take her life, leaving behind a newborn behind.

It's been over half a year and I don't think I have made any progress with feeling, understanding or processing what has happened.

Of late, there have been waves of confusion and disbelief. Which I can know can be expected, but it doesn't make it any easier.

The husbands family have been open and welcoming with us to come and visit, spending time with baby, which we deeply appreciate.

It's with the tiny moments in between everything that I find to be most confronting. That feeling that we, as family to the child, play a disconnected role, one that feels like distant cousins that show up once a year, with no real influence or care for the child. With attempts at feeding, changing or taking a more active role sometimes brushed to the side or overseen.

I guess I can see it's still early days, and that the husband and family are clutching onto baby as it's all he has left, but what about us?

Baby is our only connection to who we have lost. What are the politics and processes for such a complicated situation?

What I see immediately is that we need to saturate, just to get close and make the impression that we are here, and we want a more active role.

[white knight]

Hi Oceanview, welcome.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my brother in 1979 the same way.

I'd suggest you could make arrangements to take the baby out shopping for the day. The fathers family might well want breaks in caring for a baby. When you get the opportunity you could tell them that you want a role in your neices life.

Nest not to get ft rustrayed and lash out. Its hard for everyone in this situation.

You sound like a great auntie

Tony WK

[Dr_Kim]

Hi Oceanviews,

What a beautiful but oh so sad post. It is so full of emotions and your openness to all the possibilities of what you are feeling. Thank you for sharing a little of your inner world with us.

You are grieving the loss of your sister. You are in that strange land after suicide of a loved one where you can simultaneously miss them so desperately and want them back to have another chance, but also to feel some confusion and even at times frustration or anger when you can’t understand why they did it. Its so much to process - your feelings towards your late sister. 
https://www.suicideline.org.au/bereaved-by-suicide/have-you-been-bereaved-by-suicide/

You may need professional help to unravel it all and then to put it all back together in a way that feels ok for you. If you do , please speak to your GP about it.
 
Add to this your niece / nephew. There may very well just be a case of miscommunication going on here . You say that the father and his family have been welcoming and open. They may be being super protective over the baby ,or maybe they are not meaning to brush your attempts to connect aside but  thinking that they are being really helpful, not throwing you in the deep end or not making a big deal out of things.. Who knows? 
 
Yes , you are right.. everyone is rightly trying to look after this baby’s needs and also honour your sister by ensuring her child is well taken care of. You said the family is “open” , so I would suggest that maybe you sit down with them and simply explain how you feel and ask for what you would like .

Is it some time alone with the baby? Is it to be able to have special shared experiences with the baby? If so, what do you envisage ? An outing, like a walk ? or maybe some baby sitting so you can be both helpful to the dad but also get to know the baby? Maybe you need to set up a regular time for members of your family to be in this baby’s life? 
 
Nothing you set up now has to set in stone for ever.. everything can be reviewed as the baby grows and everybody’s lives evolve .. but for now.. listen to your feelings - I think you answered them in your last line...
 
"we need to saturate, just to get close and make the impression that we are here, and we want a more active role"