Losing my husband

JFD · ‎22-02-2015

I just don't know what to do. I've been married for 2 years, together for 10, and now my husband says he's no longer in love with me. We have a 2 year old child and hubby is sleeping in another bed the past couple weeks. Yesterday he told me he's been happier since doing this. We've both seen a counsellor individually a couple times and hubby admits he's depressed. I'm pretty sure it's mostly based on relationship issues we've had for 3 years or so (I think I got depressed after my Dad died and then I possibly got postnatal depression too and somehow put up walls against intimacy, so barely any sex. He then felt rejected and now no longer loves me. We've been together since we were 18). It's just that I love him so very much and haven't shown it and now I'm scared it's too late. He's leaning towards separation and has even taken his wedding ring off. There was also a brief infidelity moment on his part, I guess because he felt so emotionally rejected himself. He says he isn't sure what he wants which is why he's still living with us, but the counsellor makes him question things but he's no longer sexually attracted to me either. He has mentioned not making any big decisions until he is sure but I feel so hopeless sometimes. I feel so rejected. We also work together. He has brought up such issues of splitting our belongingings and who should get what and seems to think too much water has passed under the bridge but is being plenty nice to me. I don't know how to deal with my pain. I really want us to try and work through this and love each other again (a long road I know), but he just seems genuinely like he's lost those feelings. Do I just give up? I feel like he's going to move out soon. I've tried to back off but have told him I'm there and I won't give up. But I'm gutted and just don't know what to do. I feel like giving up. He really is the love of my life.

CrashCoyote · ‎22-02-2015

Hi JFD,

I think this is a little bit tricky because you are feeling hopeless and helpless, which is probably exactly how he felt when you went through this.

I have been divorced and by the time I was sleeping in another room it was pretty much too late to fix things. I didn't want to anymore and I ended up seeing another woman. In my case, I wanted the things the other woman offered me that my wife had withdrawn from me because of her own depression. Not really the sex, but the affection and caring.

You are seeing a counsellor and it seems like this will have to play out. You cannot force him to be with you and he cannot change his affections, lost or found.

I am sorry if this is confronting but I cannot tell you the fantasy that he will come around, a lot has happened for both of you.

Please persevere with the counselling and showing him you are still keen for the relationship as it may help, but brace yourself for the down side, too.

I hope it works out for the best. Keep posting if you are up to it.

Kind regards, John.

Pixie15 · ‎23-02-2015

Hi JFD,

I see this was your first post so welcome to the forums.

Your partner has moved to the spare room but he has not moved out of the house yet. It may be possible to renegotiate your relationship. I am trying to do that now in my own relationship.

Beyond Blue have a very good publication in the resources section for women titled "Women and Separation: Managing New Horizons" which you might find useful. You need to look after your own interests and that of your child in the event that you do separate. It is good to be prepared.

Do you have friends and family who can support you in the event that he does leave?

Grateful.

MrD · ‎03-03-2015

Hi JFD,

I totally sympathise with your situation. I've been married for 8 years (two young kids). Last year was a very tough/stressful year with a lot of change (home, jobs, moving twice). Through the tough end of last year my wife started saying she was no longer connected/attracted to me. Thoughts things were 'no right' and was always questioning many things... mostly our relationship.

She is seeing a physiologist who I think has been kind, getting her to question her feelings and what she would loose if she left the kids and I. She is taking anti-depression medication, but she said it's from the state of our marriage, why she needed this medication to get clarity in her mind.

I'm trying to be very supportive. Not think about the worse case scenario and hope for the best. The fact that your both seeing a counsellor, is a positive way forward. Let it run it's course. I've found all the reputable forums like this one very useful to share the pain you're experiencing... this is my first post too. You're not alone.