Looking for Help with Grief That Has No Closure

[Guest_93838120]

I am not coping.

My first husband — the father of my two children, a daughter now 25 and a son who will soon be 23 — told me when I left him in 2009 that if I dared to go, I would never see my children again. I thought he was joking. I believed my children loved me too much for that to ever happen.

When I left, I walked away from a 15-year marriage with nothing — no clothes, no shoes — just my children. But after I left, he began his campaign to destroy my relationship with them. He poisoned them against me, and by 2014, after years of conflict and heartbreak, my children disappeared.

He moved houses, changed their schools and phone numbers, and made sure I couldn’t find them. I called the police, but they said it was a federal matter and that I needed a court order. I had no money to pursue one.

By the time I finally found my children, they wanted nothing to do with me. They believed the most horrible things about me — lies he had told them — and I was shut out of their lives completely. Eventually, he moved them to Victoria, and I had to learn to live without them.

Then, in June this year, my ex took what feels like his final act of revenge. He posted photos on social media, tagging enough mutual friends that they appeared on my feed. That’s how I found out my daughter had a baby — a beautiful little girl. My first granddaughter. A baby I will never hold or know.

I have no parents. My father, who served in the military and cared for soldiers exposed at Maralinga, died of malignant melanoma when I was four. My mother passed away when I was sixteen. I am completely alone now.

Since learning about my granddaughter’s birth, I’ve been struggling deeply. My days feel pathetic, dark and heavy. I’m not sleeping or eating properly. I feel worthless and broken. I work in healthcare and mostly from home, which means I can go a whole week without seeing or speaking to anyone.

I’ve tried to find grief support groups, but because my children and granddaughter are still alive — just gone from my life — I don’t qualify. I don’t know where to turn anymore. 

Even when I try to go out to meet with friends, or socialise everyone wants to talk about their children, or grandchildren, so I have constant reminders. My grief is all consuming now. 

Can anyone offer some advice?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

That's a really sad story. It's not uncommon though and the level of emptiness goes on infinitely.

Briefly, I have 2 daughters age 36 and 33yo. I had to leave their mother when they were 7 and 4yo through narcissistic abuse from her that drove me to a suicide attempt. I left one week later and had my daughters every second weekend, built my own house by myself and when my eldest reached 12yo she left home to live with me having suffered the same mental abuse. However my youngest when she reached 14yo rang me out of the blue "I dont want to see you anymore" the words that haunted me forever. No clear reason and if she had one refused to tell me. I have been convinced ever since it was the result of demonisation as I treated her like an angel. At 15yo I paid $15,000 for orthodontist work to give her a million dollar smile and didnt demand 50% from her mother. Later found out her mother claimed she paid half, even receipts failed to convince my daughter. When she reached 18yo she began messaging me every 4 months to begin a conversation on Facebook messenger. (wouldnt supply phone or address)Then when all was going well- blocked! No reason. This continued for 10 years until it caused me so much hurt I had to say goodbye and blocked her. It broke me. But I'd decided I wont bow to narcissism/cruelty ever!

Fast forward 6 years, just been told my eldest is pregnant.  My wife is going to be a grandma to this child as my daughter calls my wife "mum" and she's known her since her birth. She hasnt seen her birth mum for 18 years.

Up till her death in 2021 my MIL had a foster son, a boy with mental issues. We took on that role. So in some ways he filled a gap. He's 22yo now and emptying our pantry out!

So I can relate to you very much indeed. The first thing is- your ex husbands actions are not forgivable and they weren't your fault. Sadly the law doesnt cater for manipulation/brainwashing. We have to pick up the pieces of our hearts and move on in some way- so how?

1. Distraction 2. New life 3. Rising above the impossible situation 4. Channelling your love thats constricted.

Other children will never fill the hole left. But they can line the empty sides to insulate. This can be done by fostering, filling a depraved childs heart with love as in a known child that needs it eg a nephew or niece. Some can even get that benefit with animals and dog owners often dont have kids for that reason. 

Daily distractions are mandatory. An idle mind gathers moss, creates more heartbreak. Keep busy, add up all the things you can do thats works- visit friends, hobbies interests sports (barrack for a footy team) throw yourself into clubs. Set aside a time once a fortnight to reflect on your kids if that helps, 20 minutes only... then get up and move!! 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/td-p/274532/page/2

Pets help, if you have a cute little lap dog then buy another and watch their antics together. You'll laugh!. Expect the grief to come and go then as the link above says- switch mindsets. Move! walk around the block, ring a friend, go to a movie- a comedy. 

"When I drove away from my home in 1996 I began to laugh... I realised, my ex didnt win", A week before she could have, she didnt, I survived her as you can survive him and your fixed minded children.  Your kids are adults, they have choices, they chose not to listen, not to consider hope nor innocence... nor their mother and your love. That isnt honourable and sadly, its partially their fault for that.

The very best thing you can ever say to yourself after feeling grief is- "it's their loss"

I am here daily, reply anytime you like and when I log on I'll see your post. As long as you like lovely, as long as you need I'm here.. for you.

What do you think?

TonyWK

[Guest_07813850]

Thankyou for these words as they are extremely useful for my situation too. My daughter has my 2 precious grandkids who I have been like the other patent to. Now with a few weeks notice she is moving interstate and I because of finances will be lucky to then see them more than once a year. We have such strong bonds and I literally cannot bear the thought of them not being here.