It took a year for me to be told my father died

[Wait_what]

I'm feeling really lost at the moment. After googling and googling, it would appear that i'm the only person this has ever happened to (except I can't be - let's just say it's not a common 'thing').

I received a call from my half brother I've not spoken to in 30 years, 4 days ago. I figured my estranged father was ill and it was time to say the things that needed saying about the fact that he'd abandoned me repeatedly since I was 18 months old. But no, instead my brother told me that my father died 13 months ago. Yep - who does that??!!They'd left it just long enough for any claim on the estate to be difficult (not that i care about that).

My last interaction with my father had been through his sister, my aunt, who'd 'found' me at 40-something (5-6 years ago). My father threatened her with family expulsion for having anything to do with me. Let me be really clear here, I did nothing to this man. I never lived with him, I never relied on/asked him for anything and yet he hated me. I think it was because I was a girl. He loved his sons.

Anyhoo, I had no opportunity for closure before his death. I'd hoped he'd see some kind of sense before he died and seek resolution or forgiveness or something in a letter. In fact, I'd been secretly holding out hope that we'd be reunited like an episode of Long Lost Family - lots of hugging and tears. But instead, I was completely forgotten - it was as if I didn't exist at all. Just a momentary afterthought more than a year later. It's confirmed my thinking that my grief doesn't matter, I just don't matter. Never did, still don't.

So I'm lost; nothing makes sense. The grief is weird. It's like it's all too late for any of it - there's no funeral to organise, lovely memories to think about or share, wakes to attend, ashes to spread. Just more torture from a family that like to do that to me at every possible juncture. Worst of all is the mourning for a little girl who lost her father and her right to a family a long time ago - but you don't mourn people who are still alive. I grieve what should and could have been. And all I've lost in the process. Not sure how anyone can do that to their child and why it's okay for them. Can anyone make my life make sense?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So sorry for what you grieve for. Making sense of these sort of abnormal events in life isn't easy. Life is like that though, unpredictable and at times cruel. Your experience is on the outer limits of sadness and very rare in a section nearly all of its own..."nearly". I use that word deliberately because I have close friends that had their only two children wiped out in one criminal act. Then once in the 1980's I lived in a block of units where interstate neighbours fled their lives after 6 members were victims in a car crash. These tragedies do happen but many of us are insulated to the cruel side of life.

In my case my brother in 1979 suicided as did my uncle in 2001. Myself and my sister tried. My sister and I and our children all have bipolar and so on. How do we cope? Well we fight on in a spirit we developed ourselves- kind of a never give up attitude.

There is a reason why there are death notices in newspapers. I don't want to put blame on you, you've have lots of pain all your life about this but as you were a toddler when your father basically disowned you. his relatives likely forgot all about you or did the bare minimum of a death notice. That's cruel in so many ways but in a way it is nearly understandable ( given the time factor) but not acceptable as you were blood if that makes sense. Humans are imperfect, they wont ever act as others would.

Closure is important. Is there any way you can find your lost family members with the view of discovering any relationships in the mess? A few years ago I got a message on Facebook "hello cuz" from a lady I didn't know. My father one of 7 kids disowned his family before my birth. So my new family was discovered and I found out many lies were told to us kids from our mother so we'd never meet them. Instantly our family doubled. They turned out really lovely people.

I'm glad you wrote in. It is important to get it all off your chest. What happened to you isn't normal, life isn't normal.

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Wait what,

welcome to the forum.

I am sorry that you had wait to so long to hear about your dad.

knew someone who had cut off ties with her dad for various reasons and her father would not let her see her mother. . She had a call one day from her brother to say her mother had died a few months ago and she had been sick for many months.

It is so sad and Tony has given you some suggestions to help.

I am not sure if you like writing but you could write a letter to your dad and say what you wanted to say to him if you had a chance. That may not help but it could help you make a little sense to the relationship.

agree that seeing if you could find your aunt and other relatives may help too.

Thanks for your post.

Quirky

[Wait_what]

Hey Tony - there was no death notice. His other family kept it a secret known only to themselves. Yep - who does that?!! But I'm also exceptionally easy to find on the internet (and they knew that - cousins had been to workshops I'd held less than 2 years before my father died and we had been connected on FaceBook - but they were told to disconnect and not say anything. Worse? My aunt lived walking distance from my home, so there really was no excuse. Now I feel that all these people betrayed me, so I can't see a way forward to reunite with them. As humans, they're not worth it.

It just reinforces my opinion that family is dangerous and likely to lead to more torture. It's been true so very many times.

I think I'm just best putting it behind me and getting on with my life. Success is the best revenge and aside from my family of origin crap, I love my life. Whereas one of my fathers kids is a hard-core drug user with weeks to live (which is very sad) and the other ran away to Asia never to be seen again. So it would appear that I dodged a bullet not living with him and his mistress. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say. May he rot in hell (where he belongs).

[Feeling_Helpful]

Doesn’t that just make you want to ask WHY?! But I know it’s so painful for you and I’m sorry that it’s happened that way. It’s sad that not everyone receives support from family. Feels so unfair. But process the facts and don’t forget to focus on the good parts of your life.

If this has some unfinished business which seems it does - can I recommend you write down your story. The sad stuff, the hopes, the dreams, the pain, etc.

let this letter help you express yourself and let go.

Good luck

feeling helpful

[white knight]

Hi ww

Well additional information can change the whole scene really.

Good you see the toxicity so clearly.

All the best

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Wait what

I agree with Tony. I think you have realised it is time to let go and that you have a good life.

It is hard sometimes to see the toxicity but people I have known who have let go of family for good reasons have found their life simpler.

Thanks again for sharing your story, I am sure it has helped many people.

uirky

[Wait_what]

Thanks Quirky. It just took a bit of time to process. I'm feeling quite a bit more upbeat about things now.

I wrote about my story on Medium.com and that helped a LOT. And it was gratifying to see it got picked up for syndication - so hopefully others might be helped by what I've been through.

Blessings all.

[Wait_what]

Hey Feeling Helpful - absolutely it does make me want to ask why.

But I guess, deep down, I already know why - my bio-father was a misogynist and only wanted sons (sad, but true). It's like I didn't exist for him. I've always known that, even as a little, little girl. But I did really well for myself without him (and my other weird family - don't ask) and my father was actually jealous of that (weird - who's jealous of their kid's success??!!). How do I know? It was reported to me by a 3rd party.

Totally agree with the idea of writing (I am a writer by trade) and I did, but not in a letter - I wrote and posted on Medium.com and it helped me process a bucketload of stuff. But it also means that it's shared with the world so others who've been through the same thing might also find a fellow traveller for the road.

Thanks for your response. 🙂