It feels like the death of my mother left me with nothing...

[phoenix74]

Hi. My first post here. I'd love to be able to help people here just through my experiences with anxiety and depression over the last 30 years or so.

At the moment, I'm afraid - mainly of death. I'm also deeply depressed. I've always struggled in this world - haven't worked or studied for many years. Just got by. Day by day. Month by month. Just over 2 years ago my mother died. I was close to her - and was her carer for the last few years of her life. It was a body blow. I don't get on as well with my father.

Now, as I said, I'm worried about myself. I don't eat. Can't stand the thought of eating. I just drink coffee all day. I don't take care of myself. I don't do any exercise. I don't look after my teeth. They're a mess - and if I survive long enough there will be a reckoning with a dentist one day. I've a passion for films, which I used to enjoy writing about. I still watch as many good ones as I can - and keep up to date. Thanks to COVID, my infrequent outings with good friends have dried up to nothing. No going out. Very little keeping in touch.

Often I'll start to panic about the fact that death is inevitable. I've had kidney cancer - successfully beaten through surgery. But I didn't heed the warning I was so clearly getting. Continued to smoke. Kept on drinking. At least I don't drink anymore now. I can't stand it. But everything else that is bad for me I do.

I watched as my mother died in agony. Is that what I've got to look forward to? All my treasured memories gone for all eternity. No children to carry on after me.

But hey, at least I'm not suicidal at the moment. I'd like another 50 years! I'd like to work as a carer in the future and become more healthy. I'd like to write again. The problem is that I avoid people as much as I possibly can. I just get through days. I'm finding first steps towards a better future so impossible to take.

I just want to know I'm not alone - and I want someone to know that I'm here. That I exist and that I'm slowly crumbling....

[Sophie_M]

Hey Phoenix74,

Thanks for reaching out on the Beyond Blue forum tonight.  We're sorry to hear how difficult life feels at the moment. We can hear that your mothers final years were really painful and have taken a great physical and emotional toll on you, We can also hear that it's been hard to keep in contact with friends throughout the COVID restrictions and now you feel out of touch with them. We recognise how important friends and family are for our wellbeing and how losing these connections would be so difficult. We're so glad you have come to seek support and reassurance here on our forums as we know many in our community share similar experiences. 

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport . They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

If you don't have many friends where you are at the moment, we'd also suggest joining some local support groups or parent groups. You can find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[phoenix74]

Hi Sophie_M - nice to meet you,

Thank you for the introduction of a few support groups that might help me. I've been procrastinating about going to GROW - that World Community Mental Health Movement. I don't know if they're good or bad. If you know something about them, I'd like you to tell me.

As for mental health services, I'd been seeing a psychologist for 3 or 4 years up until recently. I stopped going because I felt it wasn't having any impact on what I was doing, thinking or feeling. She was good and helped me realize a lot about myself - but we'd got into a rut of simply sharing anecdotes and general conversation. I felt I wasn't going anywhere, and that it was time to part. Unfortunately that made one less person I was interacting with. Luckily I've had the same GP for the last 20 years - she's there to help me when I arrive and lay out just how dire my situation feels. She has info on self-help groups dealing with social anxiety. She's a great doctor - genuinely friendly and caring.

Anyway - this has really been my first foot in the right direction after a long period of inaction. It feels good to do that. Step by step, I want to get out of the deep hole I find myself in at this juncture of my life.

[Boudica]

Hi Phoenix,

Welcome, I'm really sorry about the loss of your Mum, it's great you have reached out to the BB forum, and I think you will find lots of others here who understand what you are going through. Please look around and don't be shy about chatting, as I have found people are very supportive and non-judgemental. It often helps just to talk about what you are thinking and feeling, even if it doesn't take the pain away.

I still have my Mum, but she has been diagnosed with an untreatable neurological condition that will take her slowly over the next years, and I watch her decline month by month. My Grandmother went through a similar illness when I was young, and I have really bad memories or her suffering. My mum is only 69 and has already had a quite a battle with breast cancer a few years back now. I really don't feel ready to lose her, and I am just trying to push it to the back of my mind for now.

All the best. Always happy to chat 🙂