I've lost Mum and Dad

[lee74]

Hello,

Now both  my parents are gone I feel so lonely,  lost and struggling to cope.

My Dad passed away in 2010, he was in high care nursing home with  Mum (Mum had been in care since 2007) . It wasn't unexpected but still so hard. Dad was scared to leave Mum, he had cared for her for so many years (Mum also suffered with mental illness from her mid 40's). He asked me, the youngest of us 4 kids and the only girl, to look after Mum. This seemed to make it more peaceful for him. He was 76 when he passed away.

Through looking after Mum for 5 years we had alot of ups and downs. In 2007 she had renal failure, had her last rites read to her, we were told it was her time. She was such a strong willed woman she recovered. At this time she also had suffered 8 strokes which we only found out through a cat scan. She was unable to walk from here on in, although mentally she was wonderful.

We had some extremely funny times as Mum would just say what was on her mind not caring too much for other people's feeling, also very sad times. But I guess this was Mums way of coping.

She passed away 7th November last year. She deteriorated over a few months, she was worn out.

It was so hard to see, I was the only one with her when she passed, daunting but grateful. She also was 76.

I like to think I did exactly what Dad had asked of me right to the end, he would not have wanted her to be alone.

This is my first post, hope it's ok. My name is lee and I'm 41yo.

Thanks for your patience.

xox

[lee74]

Hello,

Firstly thanks so much to everyone for your kind words and your time.

I have tried to seek a Grief Counselor, so far I've seen 3, and haven't had a connection with any of them, they just don't seem to understand.

However I'm not giving up, I've been doing alot of internet searching, see how I go.

A few people have now said to me "Now it's time for Lee", this seems to be alot harder than it seems, when I was abused for 9 1/2 years I think I lost myself, now I don't know who I am or what I like to do, it's almost like my spirit got lost during this time.

After this period I had my parents who needed my support and I guess that kept me occupied. now I have nothing accept for myself and my kids, I do what's needed for my kids and then I just feel so lost and lonely.

I do feel like I'm going crazy at times. I went to the Cemetery today to visit Mum and Dad, I had a big cry and asked them for some guidance. It does seem to make me feel a bit less distressed for a day or two.

I just wish I could stop thinking... 

The grief councellor I have been seeing told me to forget about what I went through with my ex, I can tell you this is easier said than done, he tore me apart and I think this could be what I need to sort out first within my mind before I can start on anything else.

I have completely lost my appetite since Mum passed, I don't totally believe it's totally to do with Mum, I think it's all catching up, when I was with my ex he always called me fat, I wasn't allowed to eat certain foods, I weighed roughly 65kg when I was with him, and he would say look at you, you 300 pound pig, and would throw my food I'd cooked out to the dog. These things don't go away once you've had it drummed into your head for 9 years.

I really don't know maybe I'm over thinking things and I should just get over all the crap.

Any advice would be so much appreciated, I really feel all over the place at the moment. All I want to do is sleep/ do nothing. I'm worried about my eating (I'm only eating maybe 2 times a week) but I can't seem do change this without an appetite.

Thanks for your time.

xox

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Lee,

I am so sorry for your losses. I am new to this forum too and while I am here for a different reason I hope my experience with my parents may help you.

I am the same age as you and lost my Dad to cancer when I was 21. My Mum was diagnosed with cancer 8 years later. I had moved interstate with my husband but went home and cared for Mum in the family home. She was meant to have 3 months but fought hard and 18 months later passed away. I have an older brother and lots of aunts, uncles etc but I was very much alone in caring for her.  Your story reminded me warmly of my Mum towards the end as she too would say things somewhat inappropriately but very funny due to secondary cancers in her brain. I was also the only one with her when she passed and it was heart wrenching.

I think the thing that hit me the most afterwards was that space and emptiness where I couldn't visit or call and having spent so long looking after Mum it was hard to move on. 

What helped me was writing everything down. I would write poetry or just a journal of how I felt as everyone else was so busy trying to cheer me up I felt I couldn't be sad.

It also helped me to start a list of things I had always wanted to do and also things that would normally make me happy. 

It does get easier but I still have days here and there when something triggers a special memory and I have a little cry. It is different now though. Sad but not the heart wrenching feeling it once was. 

It takes time to fill your life again with different things, don't rush. I hope this helps.

[pipsy]

Hi Lee.  Oh dear, you do seem to have struck a rough patch.  You are grieving for parents, lost relationship with brothers.  Possibly also lost relationship with ex.  Even though ex abused you, he was a big part of your life for 10 years, that's a long time.  I suppose you were the one to tell your kids he'd passed away too.  You've had one upheaval after another, with no time in between for you.  Going to the cemetery would've been a bit difficult too as you don't want m/d to know about what's happened with your brothers.  Eating is a form of 'comfort', but each mouthful you take, you can 'hear' ex deriding you.  It might help if you could somehow find the strength to tell ex to 'get lost' when you're trying to eat.  You don't have to say it out loud if that makes you feel uncomfortable, remember, he can't hurt you, no matter how hard he tries.  Maybe write down what you want to say to him.  Work on overcoming his negative power first.  To find yourself, first of all you have to be comfortable where you are in your life.  Step one: eating without guilt.  As I said, this involves telling ex to 'get lost', don't be scared, remember, he can't hurt you.  Each time you tell him to go away, you will start to regain a bit more power.  This will take time, there's no hurry.  You're now in charge, enjoy your power and freedom.  We'll work together if you like, I'll try and talk you through the negative problems with your siblings and children.

I'm not trying to push you, I've been through losing parents and siblings and ex, so I do understand more than you think.  My first hubby died by suicide.

[lee74]

Hello Pipsy,

Thanks so much for your kind words and understanding. 

I;m so unsure of what exactly is bothering me the most. 91/2 years of all kinds of abuse. The humiliation of accepting the way he treated me, and allowing it.  (I don't think about him daily, I have pushed the badness to the back of my mind but every now and then a horrible memory comes back, and I'll have a cry and try understand it I guess.)

Perhaps it''s an accumulation of everything. Now with Dad and Mum both gone it's just so damn hard.

I  do feel overwhelmed.

However I do have an amazing partner who has been by my side for 10 years now, he is so loving and caring and understanding. I do talk alot of my thoughts with him and he does talk me through them and somehow makes me feel at ease with my emotions. Mum and Dad are spoken of most days I'll hear something and it will remind me of them and I do share these memories with my partner and my kids. 

Also, yes I did have to tell the kids of their Fathers death. My son was 9 (now 20) and my daughter was 4 (now almost 15). I found out around 5am, I had no idea how to tell them, nor was I able to understand how I was supposed to feel as I have said I was relieved but deeply sad for my kids. I didn't say anything to them about it in the morning just got ready for school and kinder as usual (kind of). I made a heap of phone calls to different agencies to get advice on how to tell them. There was just no easy way. When they where both home that afternoon I sat them down said I have some bad news, "Your Dad died this morning" they both burst into tears. This would have to have been one of the most challenging things I;ve had to do in my life. Aside from Mum and Dad of coarse, but each situation had their own individualizes.

I'm still trying to  find a good Psychologist, I guess it's hard for them when I seem to have so many layers or saddness.

Again thanks so much for your kind words, but also please don't hesitate to tell me I'm taking things too far please.

XOX

[pipsy]

Dear lee.  I'm so pleased you wrote back, I've been worried how you were coping.  Great to hear also you have a good partner.  It sounds as though you're doing fine.  You seem to realize you have to take it one day at a time, I know how trite that sounds, but it's so true.  Have you discussed with your Dr about finding a psychologist.  If you have a good repore with your Dr, he would be the one to discuss with.  As far as the memories (good and bad), this will continue to happen as we can't completely wipe out all the bad stuff.  It's good, though, that you recognize the memories are just that, memories.  I still have bad memories about my parents, (dad was an alcoholic, not violent, but nasty, mum was that wrapped up in herself, she had little time for me).  Everytime I go into a club (not often now) I still see my dad 'propping' up the bar.  It doesn't hurt anymore as I usually ignore the bad 'vision' and concentrate on something good.  When you say your former hubby ill treated you with your permission, that's not quite true.  He didn't have your permission, he brainwashed you into believing he was right, you were wrong.  Battered wives always feel it's somehow their 'fault'.  It's never okay to abuse a partner.  Battered wives will make every excuse known to man for the beatings, abuse.  They are brainwashed into believing it's their fault. 

Hopefully you'll be able to find a psychologist who will be able to bring out the beautiful, caring person that's there.  Everything you've been through makes it harder for you to now relax and enjoy being 'you'.  You've lost yourself with all you've been through.  If you are still having trouble finding a psychologist to 'connect,' perhaps if you phone BB, one of our trained counsellors can help steer you in the right direction.