I never grieved for my mother..is this unhealthy?

[Moonstruck]

Evening all, I have never asked any professional person this question probably because it simply hasn't been a problem for me. Nor is it now....but....I can't seem to find any websites, or long term effects, if any, or posts on Forum about "not" grieving a close family member. In my case, my mother when I was 16.

The reason I am curious if this is more common that usually thought....is that my sister died a few months ago and I didn't seem to "grieve" much then either, even though I had no ill feelings towards her. In fact I felt terribly sad for her during her illness and problems through life and loved her, still do. I wouldn't call it"grieving" though. (I have grieved terribly for pets...unrelenting pain, distraught with the grief, taking long long time to cope with that kind of loss...but with these 2 people, I seemed to just get on with my life).

Re my mother, I can honestly say I have never missed her, felt sad at her passing, wished she was here, been around to see my children, life's successes, shared my celebrations, not for one second, minute, hour or day since the Dr delivered the news at the hospital. Never felt the need to "talk " to her or share anything with her, "ask" her advice, cry for her....nothing! Has this lack of grieving process at 16 affected me in other ways perhaps? Is that really relevant anyway? Just curious if anyone else "non grieves"

Sending wishes for peace and love to you...thanks for listening...Moonstruck

[White_Rose]

Hello Moonstruck

Grief is a very individual process. When my mom died I cried constantly when I got home after being at work. Even at work I would disappear to the toilet to have a weep. I felt devastated and I wondered the opposite to you, am I grieving too much, is this normal. Yet when my sister died it was completely different and to this day I think I have only cried/felt sad once. No idea why or why the difference.

Well actually I have some thoughts. I always felt ignored by my mom, that she was not interested in what I did as a youngster, not even interested in where I was. Maybe it was my perception. When she died I was not there as mom lived in the UK and I got the news after she passed away. I often think I was grieving for the person I wanted her to be, the person I felt was a mom to me and my grief was because this would never happen now.

My sister, also in the UK, had cancer and I could see how tired she was the last time I visited about three months before she passed away. She was interested in my life and we talked on the phone quite often. I was sad when she died but felt it was her choice to refuse further treatment after 11 years of surgery and chemo. There is only so much the body can take. I knew she was content with her decision and I could not wish her still here. So some sadness but not overwhelming grief.

So two different reactions to death of a family member. Whether my reasons are correct or not I don't know but I feel OK with that explanation. If your mom made no impact on your life then maybe this is why you feel you cannot grieve in any way. It does not always happen that way.Sometime I think my grief should have been for my sister but there is no way of knowing how we will react news of this kind.

It could be you are holding this grief within you and one day it could get out and knock you for six. Maybe you grieved for mom as a youngster when you felt no response to you and have no need to mourn now. There could be many reasons. I feel there is no need for you to either try to feel some grief or to worry you have life long problem because of this. My best guess would be that if you felt nothing for mom as you were growing up it would translate to feeling not much when she died.

Lots of talk about me but I am the only model I know. I do believe we all come to terms with death eventually given that we will all die one day. Why, when and how we experience a deep sadness I don't know.

Mary

[Enigmachick2]

After reading your post, I became interested in this topic so I googled and I came across an article which references a study that you may be interested in. It mentions that half the people studied had 'resilience or absent grief' (other responses to grief include 'chronic grief' and 'common grief') - so your reaction seems common! There was also no proof of 'unhealthiness' in people who had this reaction to grief.

https://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/coping/why-some-people-dont-grieve.htm

I do think grieving is a very individual process and may be dependant on the relationship you've had with the person who has passed. My mother passed suddenly when I was 16 and I remember that I didn't cry immediately (I was in shock and it didn't seem real) but I did and still grieve for her 20 years later. I was very close to my Mum and felt some guilt at her passing as we were constantly arguing in the weeks leading up to her sudden death. I also wonder how losing a mother at a young age has affected me.

Thanks for your post!

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

No, I would say it is not unhealthy in the least. I grieved immensely when my partner passed away, and for some pets, but not for my parents.

I think in my case it was a question of how close they really were to me. I'm quite a warm person and do care about others.

Your reactions sound very normal and understandable, the passing of others takes people in differing ways, it does not reflect anything other than people and circumstances vary.

As Lord Henry Wotton says:"Her capacity for family affection is extraordinary. When her third husband died, her hair turned quite gold from grief."

Croix

[CMF]

Hi Moon,

In short, no not unhealthy. There are no rules on grieving and it's a personal thing. As far as grieving for animals, well i think you may see them as more dependant and helpless, therefore you have a soft spot for them.

Cmf x

[geoff]

Hello Moonstruck, an interesting thread.

When Mum was put into a nursing home, only because she had a knee operation, no physio and couldn't walk, her mind was excellent, but when she passed away things were totally different, she was a vegetable and pleased that she had passed away, no more suffering, so no I didn't really grieve, I certainly loved her and she was a loving, wonderful Mum, but that was before she was put into the nursing home.

As we develop our own lives, get married, have kids, or even if this doesn't happen but we move away and create a different life then we aren't depended on Mum anymore, that's when we change our mind.

I realise other people are depended on their mum and of course, will have a different point of view.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Moonstruck]

Are you sure you're not getting your quotes confused Croix? I recall a similar one referring to a recent widow "I never saw a woman so altered...she looks quite 10 years younger!"

[quirkywords]

Moon,

You asked an interesting question as you often do. And there have been thoughtful answers,

I agree everyone grieves differently and at my mums funeral people asked me why I wasn’t crying . I had cried for her during her years of dementia so now she was at peace, and I had no tears.

As long as your reaction is ok with you and doesn’t worry you it is fine. I know people who are like you and there is no one way to grieve.

Thanks for your honesty.

Quirky

[Billyc]

Hi Moonstruck,

If I’m reading your post correctly, your mum passed away when you were 16?

im sorry that happened to you. I believe it stays with you whether you “feel” it or not.

my mum died when I was 17, from  alcoholism.

that was 25 years ago, I remember early days I used to try and make up a feeling.. as though I was acting like I was sad, I felt I should be feeling terrible but I wasn’t, I felt numbness.. I felt nothing.

It was only 3 or 4 years ago I sat and cried about her. There’s the annual mother’s day stuff that throws it all in my face, the christmas events with. My ex’s family who were the picture perfect christmas Lunch.

So I guess I can say there are now At least two of us in this world who questioned themselves why they could feel sad about the loss of a family member.

im sure there are more,

your not alone, and I believe that the fact you came here and put the question on the table clearly identifies you as being empathetic toward your mum and the loss of her,

its just my view..

warm regards

[Moonstruck]

Thanks to all for your interesting responses. Billy C, I never sat down and cried for my mother, like you did...never have. Mothers Day, other family "days" etc don't remind me of her or her loss at all.

I only began thinking of my "non grieving" for her recently as my sister died, and I was noticing the difference in my reactions and emotions afterwards.

It's good to know others understand and have had similar experiences of "not feeling sad", particularly when we read that the loss of a mother, of all people, our primary carer, is regarded as the most traumatic loss...or whatever.

Certainly hasn't been the case for me. Sometimes I think so called "experts" tend to pigeon hole us and have stereotypes that we are "supposed" to fit.