I need support after sudden death of dad

[anmay]

My dad died last week without any warning. I spoke with him an hour beforehand & he was absolutely fine. Mum said one minute he was talking to her & the next minute he had collapsed & couldn’t be resuscitated.
I don’t want to believe it’s real. I’m angry sick people live for ages and healthy people like dad can just drop dead.
I’m worried about mum who is completely broken and now questions the point of her own life now dads not here.
He was a very respected person but we couldn’t hold the funeral he deserved as only 10 people were allowed and we couldn’t hold a wake because of covid.
Its not fair. He was here one minute and gone the next.

We are unable to attend any grief support groups because of covid. I don’t know if they would help but it could be a start.

Its a roller coaster of sadness, disbelief & anger. If he could die without any warning whatsoever that means I could too. What’s the point of living.

[Sophie_M]

Dear anmay,

We are so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad and how it's affecting you and your family.
You've come to a safe and non-judgmental place where members give and receive support to each other based on their own experiences with mental health. We want you to know our valued online forums community is here to provide with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Please know no matter how dark or pointless things may seem right now, things can and do improve. Please know help is always available to you. You can reach out to the trained mental health professionals at our support service any time day or night by phone on 1300 22 4636 or by webchat (3pm-midnight AEST) or email (replies within 24 hours) via https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support.

You might also find it helpful to read our resources about dealing with grief and loss here:
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/grief-and-loss

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.
 

[Aaronsis]

Hello anmay

I have just read your post and it could have been mine! albeit a few changes. I too lost my mother on the 15th of July, she was only 75 and litterally got up out of bed and then walked around to leave the room, had a massive heart attack and was not able to be resuscitated. So to say I know how you feel, I really do. The shock is horrific and the knowing they are gone, sometimes in the day I still don't quite believe it. My parents are divorced so my brother was with her but apart from some mental health issues she had nothing wrong with her heart.

The funeral part is just devastating as you feel like you cannot give them the send off that they deserve and that you are belittling their existence by doing nothing....guilt is so rife! We chose to cremate and we had a little morning tea at home with just me, my brother and my dad, his support to us has been wonderful. We have decided that once restrictions lift we will go to where she spent many happy and memorable days as a child with her sister and some of her friends and her grandchildren and celebrate her life, I think she would like that.

I feel your pain, it is just heartbreaking and so very devastating. There are some really great grief counsellors around and when I went through some horrific grief last year I took some of this counselling and it changed everything for me..and being here talking. You might even do a group session as a family if that is possible with all this stuff...it might even be a zoom situation that could help too.

I too feel ripped off, I feel like my grandkids have been ripped off and as you say, so out of the blue with no warning, you just cannot make peace with it, it is unfair and on top of all these restrictions it makes a devastating situation horrific.

We are here for you, Sophie_M has given you some support lines too, talking really does help and I know it is no consolation and not much, but I am here with you, sitting right beside you, feeling almost the same! You are not alone and we care, I care and you are so wise to reach out for support.

At the end of the day I am drawing peace from the fact my mother would not have known a thing, she did not suffer and was not in pain, I would rather take the pain now than have it all go wrong and her life with a compromised life. They are resting peacefully now anmay, knowing we loved them dearly.

All my support to you

Hugs

Sarah

[anmay]

Thankyou so much Sarah for your reply. It’s almost unbelievable how similar our stories are. I’m very sorry for your loss, it’s not fair. I hope you are doing ok.

I’ve been focusing on other things as often as I can to keep me busy because when I stop to think about dad being gone forever I feel physically sick. I think I’m still in shock, I’m definitely in denial and am still angry. I can’t help going through the what if’s, what if there were signs we just didn’t notice, what if it could have been prevented, but I know thinking this way won’t make things easier.

Once restrictions lift I hope to do something nice too, like you will be for your mum. Knowing that there is someone out there who actually does understand the situation is a comfort, although it’s absolutely devastating.

I still don’t understand it. You can be completely alive and well one minute and the next you’re dead. I miss him so much.

[geoff]

Hello Anmay and Sarah, with both of your comments it deeply grieved us to know of a parent you have both suddenly lost, one that you loved so dearly.

The words I say can not possibly fill the hole you are trying to replace, but please, can we offer all our support and dearest sympathies from our heart in this time.

It's so unfortunate that there may never be any indication to the seriousness to the health of your loved one and when it does suddenly occur makes it so difficult.

Please accept our deepest condolences in this time of great sorrow.

Geoff. x

[smallwolf]

My deepest and sincere condolences to those who have posted on losses in their lives. There are no words I can say that can make you feel any better.

I am writing about myself for a little here.... I don't know what we think will happen when someone (who is older) is sick. Generally think they will get better. My uncle was going somewhere to relax and instead went to hospital because of a pain in his side. At hospital, the doctors found out his body was riddled with cancer. He did not make it past 24 hours there. He was saying goodbye to people. One call was from my mother about him saying good bye. The next was that he passed away.

My story is not the same as yours - there are some people we think will live forever (figuratively speaking). And then when it happens, it seems to come out of the blue and becomes hard to accept. Your thoughts and feelings are natural at this time.

The situation now can be made worse because of everything else that is happening now make things more traumatic. (I was also talking to someone recently who had to make these decisions as well about who was allowed to attend a funeral service.)

Sophi_M has provided you with some useful links. I am not sure whether there are any tele- related heath services you could talk with about your loss and find a way to move forward and by that a way to acceptance. Such as writing a letter or some way to keep his memory alive. Listening to you,

Tim

[Angelus]

i give you just a huge virtually hug ! i am so so sorry for what has happened.

use the links sophie_m has posted, they really do help. even if it doesnt feel like it right now x

[Aaronsis]

Hello anmay

Thank you for your kind words of support to me and you are so very right, the comfort I found in your post to know that there was someone else at this very time going through the very feelings I was made me feel less alone, as you said, devastating that another is going through this pain but warmth in knowing we are doing it together, even if it is over the keyboard.

That is why I reached out to you, when I read your post it could have been mine, the shock as you said, how can they be alive and seemingly well and the very next moment not being able to be revived..I am struggling with that notion too, the thing that is getting me through that is knowing my mother would not have known a thing and that gives me great comfort that she was not in pain, knew nothing of what was coming, was not scared and was not left alone or with a compromised life. As I looked at her laying there she looked so peaceful, so calm, all the lines on her face were gone, her eyes soft and closed and her skin so creamy and pale but she looked so peaceful and I am at peace with that.

I am too moving through the feelings of anger and how ripped off and how unfair this is, ripped off for my kids that their grandmother is no longer here and yes, the what if's...but we can do that all day and all it does is make it harder for us and makes us feel guilt that we did nothing, there was actually nothing we could have done to stop or even change the outcomes for our parents. I know you know that but sometimes we do have to remind ourselves that this was simply out of our hands and we are not to be punished.

I still sometimes think "I will just call mum" and then think "oh" so I am still going through the denial part too, how are you coping today? Thinking of you with warmth and with love as we get through each day and sending you my strength too.

Together we can get through this time, we will get through this pain and we are allowed to cry and to feel like it is all too much, but reach out and let us pull you out of the darkness as you have done by sharing your story with me and helped me to feel less alone.

I hope today you can smile with the love of your dad shining down on you.

Hugs to you anmay

Sarah xx

[wantedsiriusblack]

Hi Anmay

I lost my Dad two weeks ago and it was pretty sudden and unexpected but he had been unwell. It hurts and isn’t fair but what you went through is so much more unfair. You have every right to be angry. I didn’t get to say a proper goodbye to my Dad because we live in different states and didn’t get to see him much because of Covid19 and I feel so cheated by all of that. I’m finding talking to people in person really hard but online or by text is good. If you started a support group I would join. I’m so sorry for your loss.