I need help to deal with and process these things that are haunting me.

[Harry1989]

I'll start from the start. I really need to get this out before it completely consumes me.

My problems like most start with parents splitting up. Mine didn't have an amicable separation to say the least. My memories of that time were mum not at home, dad supposedly in jail and not going to school.

They both had problems with drinking and it led them to be violent to each other. I remember countless birthdays of mine ruined by arguments and fights. It got to the point where my father had attempted to kill my mother. I didn't know about this until years later because I was protected from what was going on because I was the youngest of 2 children. My older sister dealt with what was going on then - not to say it's any better that she had to witness it but she at least had the opportunity to come to terms with what had happened because of which. There were multiple years that this continued and I feel like I didn't have the support to really grow up. I feel like I havent had any positive role models.

Following the separation of my parents my mother got with somebody else, my father decided to stop working and abandon the life he had in Sydney to move back to the country with his elderly parents. Even typing that out makes it sound ridiculous.

He used multiple excuses to pretty much justify him not working, living with them and excessively drinking and having no contact or relationship with me or my sister.  I had a very close relationship with my father for quite a while. I had moved down to the country with him at the time. Needless to say that his parents (my grandparents) didn't exactly get along with me that well. We always argued and I ended up leaving and coming back to Sydney. My mother was then (unknowing to me) pregnant with my half sister. I was excluded from the news and was pretty much the last person to find out due to my attachment with my father. I was just expected to be all fine with it - when at the point it was too far gone to hide it anymore. (baby bump)

My mum had been with that guy for quite a long time. 13 years I believe. Now they've split up and it's deja vu. Mum is out all the time and is clearly out with someone else.

I was lucky enough to have a supportive partner. She had pretty much come to live with me - because of my desire to spend time with her and the circumstances she was in she didn't have a place to stay for a little while. We discussed a future. We had made jokes about the things we would say to our kids. Our relationship was great and blissful. So much time together doing what we wanted to do.

Things had been crappier than usual as of late. I've been really unmotivated and feeling down about everything. To the point that I don't really feel motivation to leave the house. Which is stupid of me to bring in to a relationship.. But I addressed that issue with her last week and I was trying my hardest to make a change.

Then on saturday night when we got in to bed I asked her whats wrong with the intimacy in our relationship and it escalated in to being that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. I felt completely blind sided by this. I feel like I have been living a dream since then because none of it seems real. She told me she still loves me and I still love her but I can't continue to feel like this.

I'm alone and I'm very afraid of it. I know people are supposed to be okay with being alone but I don't want to be. I don't want to dwell in my thoughts. 

[Mares73]

Dear Harry, I'm so glad to welcome you to Beyond Blue. You will find many people with similar experiences and you will receive compassion, support & advice. I completely appreciate you would have many issues stemming from your childhood that remain unresolved. These experiences can define us an an adult & without therapy are almost impossible to manage. An example-I was sexually abused by my dad from a very young age yet didn't go for counselling until in my thirties. Would you consider seeing a Pyschologist? You get 12 visits under Medicare. Do you have support? Be good to know a bit more so we can advise you ie do you suffer from depression and how is that managed? X Mares

[Harry1989]

Hi Mares,

Thank you for your response. I've never addressed any of these things until now when I guess it has all boiled over. I don't really have support. I neglected friends and family for that relationship and I'm now kind of left with nothing.

I called Beyond Blue earlier today and I do want to see someone about this but I have a lot of reservations in really going in to it..

[Harry1989]

I kinda figured there wouldn't be much concern. I'm not going to bother with this anymore. Thank you anyway

[Stuck14]

Harry, I can see similarities in your story. I hope that you will continue to reach out on here as there are so many wonderful people that will help support you in this. However, if you choose to discontinue than that is your choice, but know that there are many people who will want to help you.

[Harry1989]

I had this open still from before and saw that you of all people commented, Stuck. Yours was the first story I read before deciding to post on here.

I really do want the support that people have to offer, I'm afraid of the rejection of people not replying.

Everywhere I've looked has pointed me to do something but I just can't find the motivation to do it. I've always thought of myself as someone that is more inclined to do something for another than for myself. I kind of feel like in the absence of people to do it for that it isn't really worth it.

[Stuck14]

Someone will always reply, it just may take some time is all. Fear of rejection is crippling in itself an that alone can stop us from doing or saying what is needed to help us.

I, like you have always been the one to help others an always put myself last which, for me, ment that I was never looked after.

Can you maybe go an see your gp? I've read from the guys on here that bb have a list of gps that are trained in mental health so it might be worth looking through that to see if there is one near you.

I hear what your saying in your last sentence, but, maybe this is the perfect opportunity to work on yourself an what you need as you are not being distracted by others needs.

Just a thought an I'm not sure if I'm the right person to be handing out advice.

[Harry1989]

I'm going to see a gp next week. 

I'm feeling constant emptiness and pointlessness I don't know if I even have the motivation to do something about this. Life now kind of seems like a sentence.

[Mares73]

Dear Harry oh I'm so glad you didn't go!! Listen I only have an ipad & am having trouble responding to messages or I get cutoff. There's a whole lot I want to say to you but I just came on to try talk to you & few others. I can't go into it all now. But later ASAP I will & also check the list of messages because if I can't reply ill write"Message for Harry" & you'll see it. You have been in my thoughts. We will get you the best help we can & support you all the way. I grew up in a completely abusive bizarre family so I feel for you & hope you'll talk to me later. Hold on ok? We know what the darkness, loneliness & isolation does to you. Your in the right place. Please don't go. Ill be back & by then I hope others have replied. Seems to be a lot of people wanting advice. But I'm here for you ok? Try do something small you like today?  Maybe that's too much. Or hang in your trackies & watch DVD to stop thinking for a while? Lve Mares

[Mares73]

Dear Harry I'm anxious for you & hope you haven't given up. The amount of information you tell us here is entirely up to you. It's all anonymous yet you will find some of the most genuine caring people. I'm so sorry usually you'd have quite a few replies by now but it looks like there's so many new people wanting help. Enough of that. Firstly do you know there's a GP list on this site & the GPs listed are all trained in mental health and endorsed by Beyond Blue. I'd go for a GP near you who is familiar with depression. You could then discuss medication options. I truly believe for those of us who have been damaged since childhood-medication & therapy is needed. You may see. Psychiatrist once for medication review & then keep up regular appointments with your GP. I'm so sorry to hear your girlfriend has just broken up with you. You must be feeling so many things & being alone when you really need support is very hard-I know because I'm alone all day too. Can you think of anyone in your life you could talk to? I get frustrated because I want to help you so much yet there's only so much I can say & do over a computer. How are you today? I've been anxious to know your holding on. Mares x