Oh Katie27422,
I am sending you the biggest hug. I am so sorry for your loss. It's so difficult when you lose that special person in your life. The pain can be so unbearable, and unfortunately, people can sometimes think that once the funeral is over you should just be getting on with life. But life and feelings don't work like that.
Firstly, know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. I lost my mother-in-law suddenly last year, and I still read her emails and texts... I even recorded her voicemail message on her answering machine and still listen to her voice for comfort.
Unfortunately, losing someone is something you will carry the rest of your life. People talk about going through the "cycle of grief" and finally coming to acceptance. But I once heard someone talk about acceptance, as just accepting that you will never be the same again and you will always have a spot in your heart for them.
Time helps. I wish I could tell you that there is a magic pill that makes the pain stop, but what I have found (with both the death of my mother-in-law and my own nan) is that you have the sadness for some time, and then one day it will stop hurting just a little bit less...something will happen that reminds you of them and you'll laugh and have a more "awww, I love her" thought than a painful memory. And then you'll have periods of feeling better and then you'll have a moment where you go to pick up the phone to call them and then you get a super gut punch because you realise you can't.
It's difficult, it's a long process, but you will get through it.
And you will find your own ways to connect with her.
I go and eat my lunch at the cemetery sometimes at my nan's grave and I just talk to her about what's happening. I just natter away and it makes me feel like she knows what is happening in my life. I also use my mother-in-law's baking trays and then it makes me feel like she's cooking with me. They are small things, but they make me smile.
Have you had a look at some of the beyond blue information on grief and loss? There is some really good info in there that might help you know that you are not alone and that what you are feeling is completely valid.
The most important thing is to look after yourself. Hold onto the memories. Keep her things close to you, so your relationship with her continues, just in a different way.
Sending you my love. I'm here if you want to chat more.
G x
