I lost my dog to sudden illness, the grief is too strong

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi there

I lost my dog a week ago to sudden illness. He was only 3.5yrs old and he was my everything. He was my first dog that I rescued from a shelter. He provided me with such support and gave me a purpose to keep going. Last year I started IVF and currently 2 rounds have failed and he was there to let me know I was loved and needed.

Having him suddenly take ill and then dying has shocked me to my core. I can't be in my home alone as he is everywhere I look. I feel so guilty that I couldn't save him and miss him so terribly that I feel like the grief will swallow me whole. I don't know how to function or move forward knowing he is not by my side. My boy was everything and now I have lost purpose.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Tradie Lady

Firstly welcome, it is so hard to manage to write a post and I wanted to say that it is so great that you have reached out to get some help and support during this time.

Grief is so fierce and comes in waves and effects everyone so very differently that it is really hard to say what the right way to go through this process is, but it is a process and you will get through this time. I am somewhat coming out the other side of grief at the moment so I can empathize with the feelings of pain, of sadness, or totally helplessness and anger that you could not do anything, the unanswered questions. It really is so tough and it totally consumes you.

I didn't lose a pet but my brother who died by suicide just 6 months ago, so the shock and the unpreparedness if that is the word I am looking for, is just so great, you were not ready for this, you didn't have time to get used to the idea that he was sick, it just came and hit you over the back of the head, that is the hard part too.

I am so very sorry for your loss and it is heartbreaking when your key support has now gone, and on top of going through IVF which I can only imagine is an emotional journey also. You have so much on your plate and I am so very sorry that you are going through this pain.

I think sitting with it and allowing yourself to cry and to acknowledge that you are hurting is so very helpful. Take the time you need, do not let anyone tell you how to do this, you will find your way and what works for you is what you should do. I did find writing helpful however, just to purge on some paper and get it all out and to let the emotion and the feelings out, that really was good.

I hope you have someone you can call to chat with or to have a coffee with and sit and just remember your beautiful dog, the role he played in your life and to let these feelings out.

We are here to support you through this time and to chat and to provide you with some comfort Tradie Lady.

My heartfelt condolences to you and I am so very sorry.

Hugs to you

Sarah

[Annie40]

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my first dog in 2017 to an illness and I wish I could have done more. The guilt was so suffocating. I found it so hard to want to keep living. We had him for 12 years but it doesn’t matter how long you have them they change your life instantly and give so much love. Unfortunately we loss our beautiful boy a year after I loss my daughter when I was 15 weeks pregnant. She was due on the same day as my dogs birthday. 13th January. Each year I struggle around this date. I wish they were both still here. I now have two beautiful dogs who I love so much. I never ended up having a child. I had multiple miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy were I nearly died so my husband said no more. Life is so hard.

[Tradie_Lady]

thank you Sarah

I am so sorry for the loss you have also had to endure, that kind of loss also leaves a lot of questions for you no doubt, but from the way that you write I feel you have so much love and compassion and you need to remember and draw on that.

It has been a week today since I lost my boy and people tell me that every day will get easier, but right now it feels like the worst groundhog day with no way out. I know that I loved my boy so much and gave him everything I could, also realising that perhaps I put more into him because we have not been blessed with a real child of our own. Feeling like I failed as a dog parent makes me question my lack of being able to be a real parent and if they are connected.

thank you for reaching out Sarah and saying kind words to a stranger. It means a lot to me.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Tradie Lady

I am so glad to chat to you some more, we are here for you and we care so very much.

Thank you so very much for those kind words about my brother, the loss is great but no different really to yours, we all have pain and your dog was very much apart of your family as my brother was mine.

People do say it gets easier with time, in my experience the tears slow down, the pain does soften however I know I am a different version of me and that I wont be the same again, the same might be true for you. With healing you do get put back together again but a different version of who you were before, which is ok, it is just different. They say time heals, I think time just makes it different, we will not ever really be healed.

I can so very much understand that you feel now that you could not save your dog so how can you ever manage to raise and take care of a human....the thing is you most certainly can, that this event has no bearing on your capabilities and I understand that doubt you have as I too have been down that path. I thought "how now do I identify in my own children if they are suicidal if I cannot even see it in my own brother?"...I have learnt so many things in my healing journey and you will too Tradie Lady, this line of thinking is unavoidable but it is also not truth. I can only hear how much love and how very much apart of your family your dog was, how much he was apart of your daily life and what a support he was to your time of struggle with IVF....all I am hearing is a wonderful woman who is one day going to make an outstanding and loving mother.

You are not a stranger to me Tradie Lady, you are apart of this caring and supportive family and we are happy to have you hear and to care for you at this time.

I am thinking that perhaps you could make a nice little tribute to your beautiful dog with either a nice plant or a flower that you have in the garden that you can take care of and visit and love just like you would him. A place to remember and reflect, that sometimes really helps too.

Huge hugs to you and be kind to you, you have alot on your plate and you deserve something that makes you feel good about you, a massage, a picnic with your partner..something that can warm you heart.

Sarah xxx

[Tradie_Lady]

Hi Sarah

thank you for taking the time to respond to me and say the kind things that you have. I really do appreciate it. I am really struggling with when it hits me and the grief overwhelms me that I feel like I will burst and then having moments of calm and being able to think of him and remember all the things that made me smile.

I am also really trying to tackle this I guess unconscious notion that if I make it through another day, then the pain won't be as bad? We got out of Sydney for a few days over the long weekend to try and decompress a little, but the grief and then guilt was a nasty new combo. It feels like a really bad dream sometimes and he will come back to me. But I know that he is not and that is when the grief crashes in. It's also making me not want to engage with friends as I get mad that they have all that I want - I dont want to be that person. It all just feels really ugly right now.

[Aaronsis]

Hello Tradie Lady and it is great to hear from you again.

Grief as you are learning is a process and as you said, one day or even one moment you feel OKish and the next you are all bent out of shape and ready to explode, I get that and that is what is was like for me too. I think too you are also grieving the baby that you don't have so this makes for a double lot of pain and this is really so very much to have to manage. I am so sorry you are going through this, it really is so hard and so very much.

It is totally "human" to look at our friends and be "jealous" or "envious" of what they have and especially if it comes easily to them and you are doing everything in your power and it is not coming to you. I get it that you don't want to be that jealous or angry or envious person, it does not make you a bad person. It is human nature to want things in life and when we see others getting them and not us it does hurt. Then to add on top of this the pain that you are going through with your dog it really does amplify things for you.

I hope your friends are understanding and are able to support you and your partner through this time, it might even be the case that you need to ask a friend if you can catch up with them alone. You may or may not feel comfortable in explaining why but maybe having a coffee and a chat without their kids around might be better for you.

I am so happy to hear that you got a chance to go away and have some time with some new scenery, that is really great and I hope that you were able to have some peace from this guilt and pain over this time.

As I said before to you, it does change and you wont always feel this bad, you will possibly be a different version of you and that is fine too, but the pain and guilt does soften. There is hope Tradie Lady.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xx

[Tradie_Lady]

Thank you Sarah - your kindness and patience with me is overwhelming and I thank you for taking time to deal with me.

I read what you say and hope that at some point this pain will dull. It caught me off guard this morning walking to the station; thinking of when my boy was in the hosptial and he was brought out to us vor a visit, looking like he was recovering. I even took him for a short walk. I felt hope, I felt OK. To think that was taken from me and this is now my reality is suffocating. He's never coming back to me and nothing makes sense.

[Aaronsis]

Good morning sweet lady and it is my pleasure to be here to talk to you at this horrendous time in your life.

Isn't that the hardest part when it does just come up out of nowhere and give you something that you didn't expect? It is hard and there is no time line to this and that is also another hard thing to digest, it is just day by day and taking each memory and each thought and sitting with it and then letting it move on. I sometimes think that these little moments help in preparing us for other challenges in life, not necessarily grief and help in our building of resilience. I used to remind myself of that sometimes and almost talk myself through wondering how and who I am going to be on the other side of this experience.

Also just remember that there is nothing wrong at all with crying and letting this grief out, take the time to move through each stage as it really is a process, and even sometimes when you feel like you are doing much better you do get one of those times that comes and surprises you, and that is fine too.

I am just so happy to hear that you felt hope and that you felt OK, and that is a really great sign that you can accept this process too.

My heart goes out to you Tradie Lady and I think you are doing so very well and I am so proud that you have reached out here and chatting and getting your feelings out.

Huge hugs to you.

Sarah xx

[Seacat]

Your post really resonates with me, because I felt a sense of purposelessness as well, when my cat died. I suppose our pets give us something to nurture and look after, so when they pass away, we're often left with nothing to do in that regard. The fact that your dog was a rescue probably added to your feeling that there was a purpose to taking care of your dog. You should be proud of choosing a rescue, in the end you helped that dog, and gave it what sounds like a great 3 or 4 years. Perhaps you fulfilled one of your purposes with regards to this dog, it sounds like you did all you could.

When my cat died I went to the shelter regularly to spend some time with the animals there. It got me out of the house and I also felt like I was maybe helping other animals. That was the main way I was able to move through my grief. I didn't feel I was that close to my cat, but as with your dog, I felt that she helped me in some tough times, mainly with anxiety, just by sitting with me. I also felt like something was missing from my life, in your case it has been pregnancy, in my case it was employment. So once again I feel your story is familiar to me and probably other pet owners.

I'm sorry for your loss.