I just wanted him to leave us alone, not for him to die.

[Nickname_8BA29DDD-0F29-41]

My husband and the father of my two kids was an alcoholic with mental health issues. He had Narcism Personality Disorder and depression/ anxiety. When he was sober, he could be very caring and sweet and charismatic. When he drank, he was abusive, both physically and mentally. Despite this, I loved him (well, at least his good side). It took me two years of pleading, cajoling, crying, fighting and negotiation to try to get him to do something about it. You see, he didn't think he had a problem. He thought everyone else was the problem. In the end, I realised I couldn't change him unless he wanted to change himself. I asked him to leave after he was abusive to our 4 year old and putting them at risk. He threatened to commit suicide on numerous occasions when we fought.

We had been living separately for about four months but still catching up regularly so that we could chat and he could see our kids- they are three and four years old. Three weeks ago, after going on a drinking binge, he was found dead in his serviced apartment. It may have been a heart attack. It may have been a suicide attempt. The coroners report comes out in about 6 weeks time. I just don't know. 

I do know that I feel very confused by what has happened. I married a gorgeous man  and wanted to grow old with him. I didn't marry the person he turned into who abused his kids and held us to ransom emotionally. I feel sad that I couldn't save him. i feel guilty that I didnt ring him on the night that he died. i feel guilty that i didnt make the kids talk to him. At the same time, at least we are now safe. I just wanted him to leave us alone, not for him to die. 

[Neil_1]

Dear Guest

Welcome to Beyond Blue - and may I say "Well done" to you on finding this forum and posting your story, as sad as it is.

Know doubt you have re-read it yourself - do you feel a little better for putting it out in writing? 

It must have been so terribly difficult to know that you were really living with two husbands.  The loving, gorgeous man you married, but then to also live in fear of the man who drank and became so abusive, not only of you, but of your beautiful children.

It must have been a relief to you when you he did move out and to know that you weren't going to be subject to that kind of abuse anymore.  No one ever should have to experience that and I ... I'm kind of stumped for words as how to put it.  You see, from what I've heard and read so often, when in these kinds of relationships it's so terribly difficult for the wife to ask/get the husband to leave, but you did.  Shows amazing strength, courage and determination on your behalf.

But I also fully get your last sentence as well.

At this current time, everything is still really raw with emotions and thoughts - may I ask what kind of support group do you have around you at the moment?  Also, have you been along to a GP at all about this?  During this next phase in your life, it might be a good idea to try to seek out some professional help/counselling?   Just in case you didn't know, on this website, Beyond Blue have set up a list of GP's - and a search can be done on these to hopefully find one or more in your local area.  These GP's are all fully qualified to deal with all kinds of issues, and in particular, relating to mental health issues.

Again, thank you for coming on here and posting and if you feel ok to do so, it'd be great to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Nickname_8BA29DDD-0F29-41]

Hi Neil, 

thank you so much for your words of encouragement and advice. Unfortunately i dont have a great deal of support at the moment. My sister suffers from bipolar and has enough issues of her own to deal with. My mother is also not the nurturing kind and has said that i just need to get on with my life now. 

My husband was also a very controlling person and caused so much stress to me when i tried to have any friends outside of our relationship that it became almost impossible to have friends. I know that seems crazy but that was the way it was. When we separated in January, i did reach out to a few old friends and they have been great but it has been really difficult for me to tell them the whole story of the nightmare we were living in. His parents and brother understood a little about what was going on but seem to now be saying that that all that doesnt matter because he is dead. Maybe it is their way of dealing with their loss. At the same time it makes me feel cut off from them, ostracised. They already made sure that i was treated as the ex-wife at the funeral which hurt me terribly. I think they forgot that i still loved him but just couldnt live with him and the things he was doing to us. 

I think your idea of going to see a counsellor is a good one as i really cant make heads or tails out of all my mixed emotions. I keep on expecting something terrible to come out of left field to hurt us again and im not sure if i can deal with anything more.  

[Neil_1]

Hi there Guest (um, have you got a name that I could write to - I feel a bit awkward calling you Guest);

Thanx so much for coming back with your response.

Seeking out professional help is going to be a massively beneficial move for you - even more so now that I've read of what other support mechanisms (or lack thereof) that are (or are not) available.

You know I read on this site so often and to be honest just "too many times" where in times of grief, times of stress, times of pain, etc that the person who is suffering is unable to go to family for support, for comfort, for compassion, you name it.  They can't do this because the family either just don't want to know or are just solely focussed on themselves or for whatever reason - and it's so incredibly sad.

Strangers, people on the street - yeah sure, they for the most part probably wouldn't give a rats (although some definitely would) - but what I'm trying to say is, that if EVER anyone was going to come to the fore, come to the party, it'd be family members.  I really don't understand why this happens and happens so often.

And you've experienced this on "both" sides of families (in different ways, but the end result is the same).

Where you're living now, are you ok with your children where you are living?   As in, is it some kind of permanent, semi-permanent arrangement and do you feel ok in that environment? 

Also from the friends that you've spoken to back earlier this year, have you been able to maintain any of those connections?  And I guess, are any of them aware of what has recently happened?   I guess I what I'm asking for here is whether there is say, just one, of those friends who you consider having a stronger bond with - someone who you could possibly share a little bit more with?   And not say, you know, dumping it all on that person in one go - but perhaps little bit by bit, and that way, you might be able to forge an even stronger connection with this person?   Just saying - as it would be very good for you - especially at this time to have someone, say apart from us on here, or you seeing a professional where you can just call on and have an ear to listen to you or a shoulder to lean on.  I hope you might be able to develop something like that.

And again, would really love for you to keep posting.  These times are really really tough at the moment and though there's just me posting to you at the moment, there would be a number of people reading your story as well and sharing vibes of support to you.

Kind regards

Neil