I have just <b>lost</b> my darling husband after 46 years

[Acacia49]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this but here goes. I have just lost my darling husband after 46 years and sometimes my grief just overwhelms me and I don't know what to do. I find I am getting jealous of my married friends and I am worried I will alienate people. I feel just completely overwhelmed by my feelings. Is this normal --it seems to be getting worse not better. He died after a long illness two months ago.

[white knight]

Hi Acacia, welcome

Sorry for your loss. Tough times.

Fact is that married people rarely hang around single people. Rarely invite them for dinners etc. And you are lonely.

The grieving period is an individual thing. But you will get through it by being busy. Find hobbies, sport, interests that inspire you. Attend a gym. Eventually you'll meet other people. Get out and about.

While you are busy assign some time for grief. But once a reasonable time frame has been reached say to yourself "as soon as I stand up my grief is on hold" then get busy again.

It isn't easy. Take care and we are here for you.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Acacia,

I'm sorry to read about the death of your husband. Grief is a very individual thing and people all cope with it differently. I went to see a specialist grief counsellor after the still birth of our babies. This person helped me to deal with how I was feeling.

I also borrowed a couple of books about grief from the library. I had never realised there are certain stages to grief that apparently all people experience. It may help to read a little about grief to better understand it.

I have not walked in your shoes so do not know what you are experiencing. I can imagine it is only a normal part of grief to feel as you do regarding your married friends. I had similar feelings towards some friends who had babies.

Is it possible for you to go out with the ladies, to join a new group of people perhaps, to start a new hobby or interest where you will meet different people.

When life's circumstances change so drastically and dramatically it is hard at times to adjust. It is still very recent since your husband passed away.

As White Knight mentioned, keeping busy and distracted does help and one day you will realise that your grief is not so strong and so consuming. In the mean time try to do something nice for yourself each day. Pick a flower and put it in a vase, go for a walk, sit in the sun, read a cheerful book, phone a friend, go out for coffee with friends, watch a comical movie, allow yourself to laugh and also to cry.

Thinking of you in your grief and sorry once again to read of your loss.

From Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Acacia, please accept my most sincerest condolences for the loss of your husband.

Being married for 46 years is an enormous amount of time where many decisions had to be made by the two of you and now the decision has to made by you only, and that feels so lonely.

Perhaps when you were married you both were recognised as being a couple, but now don't feel as though you have to lose your identity, because you are still there, whether your friends are all still married or not, because they still respect and honour any input that you once contributed to, so this hasn't been lost, but it's now trying to cope with only your thoughts and suggestions.

There are a couple of books which may help you, 'This is not the Life I ordered', and 'Coping with sudden Death', and please excuse me for stating this last book, as I realise that he was suffering for quite awhile, but it may still be able to direct you into other directions.

Would it be possible for you to google 'Circle of Mums', I realise what it says, however there could be other wives who feel exactly the same way as you do.

The only way for someone to grieve the loss of such a loved one can never ever be forced upon them, although their support can prop them up, but then they are left alone to cry and remember all the good times and reminisce, and only in this time is when they have to overcome their loss in their own personal way.

During this period there will be many ups and downs, times when you think that you can now cope, but suddenly the reverse will happen, where memories are too strong for you to understand and then you breakdown.

It's only natural that you have your bad times, because that's how much you loved your husband, and I'm just so sorry for you, so please at any time post on how you are going, and remember the marriage you had was a connection that you truly treasured. L Geoff. x