I don't know what to do or how to deal with this

[Guest_9243]

On February 3rd my 16 Yr old son drowned. He was out having fun with his friends and got caught in a rip.

His friends risked their own lives to try and save him.

It's been 3 months since I last seen him. And I'm not coping.

I have 3 daughters and a stepson I need to keep going for, but I have nothing left to give.

My partner is very supportive but I feel like I'm letting her down. I'm not the same man I was before this happened. I feel empty and lost and don't want to carry on. Everything hurts

[ChoreoGirl]

Hey,

I am only thirteen, but I may understand what you are going through. I still have parents, but they are more like carers, they are there for all of the things I need to survive, but they are never really there for me when I need them the most. I have dealt with loss and grief from a very young age, losing several of my grandparents with whom I was very close to by the age of 11. My mother is still physically in this world, but because of her medications for her grief, she doesn't think for herself, is devoid of emotion and has the memory of Dory.

Although I know that my losses cannot even come close to how bad your loss is, you need to remember that you are loved. As you said, you have a very supportive partner, 3 daughters and a stepson, and although you may notice it, they love you with all of your heart. You are not letting your partner down, it is understandable the way you feel, but you need to remember that you are not empty and you are not lost, you still have things to live for.

You should also understand that your family is still grieving as well, so I think it is important to talk to them about your troubles. I have found that the most important thing to do is to talk with someone, so I talk to my nan. I find that it helps, if only for a little while, and helps me see a different side of things.

I am so sorry for your loss and I am thankful that you felt comfortable to share your story with others, that was a very brave thing to do. I hope that I was of help, and that you soon feel comfortable to share more with others.

-ChoreoGirl

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Guest_9243,

Welcome to the beyond blue forum. I am so very very sorry to hear about the death of your son. This is a loss that would result in unimaginable pain. Please take a moment to acknowledge that you have reached out here to get some support which takes hope and strength. By being here you are already taking steps towards healing and discovering the new you. Some people who have experienced the traumatic death of a loved one will experience not only grief symptoms but can experience some trauma symptoms as well.

In my own personal experience of losing a loved one unexpectedly, I experienced trauma symptoms as well as grief and the experience changed me somewhat. Not in a real obvious way to the outside world but I felt different.

I still use this same visualisation for my grief. I describe my grief as living inside of my chest and there are a set of doors that kept it inside me. After my friends death, the doors would wildly swing open and I had no control over when my grief would show itself. It would often be at inopportune times like at the grocery store. Over time, I gained more control over the doors and now, I can open them and close them when I want to. But the fact is, that the grief still lives there just as strong as Day1 but I only open the doors when I chose...or if there is a trigger which does happen from time to time. I benefitted from seeking additional support to help me through.

You have clearly identified in your post that you are not coping and this is great insight to your own experience. The steps forward would include talking with a health professional such your GP and letting them know that you need some extra support. Seeking support for grief when it is interfering with your day to day life is important and considering the circumstances of your sons death, may be really helpful for you.

If you are feeling like you don't want to carry on, you can get some immediate support anytime by calling the beyondblue support line on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. This can help get you through tough moments.

Another telephone support option is a service called Grief Line at www.griefline.org.au
1300 845 745

What you are experiencing is really really hard. Be gentle to yourself as each grief response is individual.You can find your way through this. You are not alone. Please continue to reach out to get the support that you need.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn