I can't get past the guilt, regret and "what ifs" after my dog died

[doglover_]

My feelings of guilt, regret and saddness seem to build up and get worse everyday since losing my puppy.
Willow was the rescue border collie x puppy I had always dreamed off. She was incredibly smart, beautiful and had such a happy and sweet nature. She loved everyone and was pretty much perfect (she didn't even bark and toilet trained herself). For some reason I was quite stressed, I was worried about her being stuck in our small backyard all day while my partner and I worked full time. Although she seemed so happy, had endless kongs and other toys/puzzles we had researched for border collies a part of me thought she didn't belong with us and that she should be on a big property with a family. Sometimes I would wish she was gone so the worry would go too.
Other than that all was going well. My partner adored her and gave her a run everyday, on weekends we'd often go out with her.
My dad started taking her to his farm on a Thursday while we were at work. I felt relieved that she had company for the day and my dad loved having her around while doing jobs around the farm.
For some reason last week my dad decided to take Willow on Friday and spoke to my partner about her staying overnight. She had stayed previously once before when we went away. On the Saturday I had nothing to do so I decided to go shopping. That afternoon my dad was ready to take Willow back home but couldn't find her. She was hit by a car and died instantly.
When we burried her I kept apologizing to her, I really feel like I let her down and wasn't there to make sure she was safe. I feel so awful for not being there as she's my responsibility, also for going shopping when I could've picked her up and not thinking about the dangers that were at the farm. I also can't help but think my awful thoughts about her belonging somewhere else contributed to us losing her.
I can't stop thinking of her and keep reliving all the "what ifs" over and over in my head. She was only 8 months old.

[Paw Prints]

Dear Doglover,

It wasn't your fault. I can tell from how you write about her, that you loved her very much. You considered not only her physical needs, but by providing enrichment her mental needs as well. This includes her time at the farm.

" I also can't help but think my awful thoughts about her belonging somewhere else contributed to us losing her. "

I don't think they were awful thoughts, it sounds to me you were being concerned about her quality of life & so you were making the effort to do what she needed. Your thoughts/actions in no way contributed to her loss.

Willow would not want you to blame yourself. You rescued her & gave her love, I'm sure she felt blessed. Our four legged friends give us a piece of their heart when we get them & take a piece of our heart when we lose them, but I'm sure she is whispering in your ear, telling you, when you feel ready, it is OK to fill the hole with another rescue who needs you.

Paw Prints

[doglover_]

Thanks Paw Prints. I appreciate you taking the time to reply and for your kind words. It really helps xx