i am struggling

[dam]

my little brother died by suicide a few days before christmas in 2012. it was the hardest thing i have ever experienced. not just my own pain but seeing how crushed my mum and dad werejust left me so heartbroken. we were always fighting as kids and teens but we became good mates later in his life. i would stop by his house on my walk home from work and we would have a few cones and watch tv and just talk about what ever was on tv or in the news.

they day i knew he died i was at work. my dad had called me that morning quite irate. he couldnt get in contact with my brother and was getting scared. i assumed he was over reacting as parents do.

then i saw a news article on facebook about a man who was my brothers age who had died on my brothers street. it was him, not that i was sure at the time but i can admitt in hindsight im pretty sure i was in denial. i read the article, absorbed it and went back to work. i told myself i was stupid to think it was him. my mum called me a bit later and said she was worried about my dad, he had stopped in at her place on the way down to my brothers and she said he was really agitated. i told mum not to worry and that ben was fine, i even told her about the article i read that day and laughed about the coincidence that a man the same age on the same street died. i cant get over how stupid i was, everyone was telling me something was wrong but i just.. i dont even know what the term is.. blocked it out isnt sufficient. it was just.. it wasnt like i felt like i knew it was him and i was blocking myself from thinking it. i just didnt think it. i had all the facts but that last mental domino just didnt clink downwards. so much so i just went to lunch like normal. i bought red rooster.

during my drive my phone rang but i couldnt find it so i let the blutooth answer it. it was my other little brother. i told him he would have to speak up cos i was driving and on speaker. "ben died, mum said can you come home?". in that moment everything clicked and i just looked at myself thinking... you ...... it was so obvious. and i had really said all that stupid stuff to my mum and dad... joking about a guy my bros age on his street of like 12 houses dying the day before... my mind just cracked a little that day and i dont think its come right since.

[AGrace]

Hi dam,

Thank you so much for sharing what must have been a truly heart breaking experience for you. I too am a survivor. I lost someone very close to me to suicide a number of years ago. Some will say 2012 was a while ago, whilst I will say, it wasn't that long ago and you must still be grieving, as must your family. It's such a terrible tragedy to lose someone and even harder to comprehend when it is to suicide.

I think for me, the most difficult thing was spending so many years of my life questioning why, and so many years of my life feeling guilty for not having been enough to stop him. The sad part of it is it's taken me all this time to accept that there was nothing I could have said or done, that it wasn't my fault, and that he died knowing how much I loved and cared for him.

Have you and your family sought any form of counselling or therapy since your brother's passing? It's really important to have an outlet to share your thoughts and feelings.

I hope to hear more from you, and once again I thank you for being so open and honest.

AGrace

[Neil_1]

Dear dam

Like AGrace, I would like to thank you for sharing your traumatic and tragic story.

AGrace's suggestion for professional support and counselling is a good one and I too would like to know if you've got this happening or if you've had it.

I'm pleased that you've found this site to come and write - and even just the process of writing can often be a form of 'internal help';  as you reach inside and pull out thoughts that you have and put them down.  I do this often;  it never goes anywhere;  just into a word document.  I find it helps;  but hey, each to their own.

Isn't it odd, that as kids, so many of us have disputes and fights with our siblings, but then as we mature and get older, we then (um, most times) get closer.  And you wouldn't even know what you used to fight about as kids - it's just one of those things;  but to know and hear that you and your brother were able to share some really good times together is something you can be very proud about and to remember those good times.

I do hope that this post has helped, even a little and like AGrace, it would be great to hear back from you again.  Also on this particular forum (Grief), you might even find if you had a little look that there might be other threads here that you might find some useful/helpful words and advice in.  Just a thought.

Take care

Neil

[dam]

a few months later my mum was diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome. my dad started to drink heavily after my bros death and died in may this year of heart failure. i didnt see him very often, he lived a few hours away. we were never that close but i loved him and i regretted not seeing him more before he passed. now my mum is going into hospital for chemo/bone marrow transplant in a few weeks and i'm terrified. i quit my job to spend more time with her just incase the worst was to occur. i am petrified my mum will die soon. and i dont know what to do. i have never talked to anyone about this. thanks for reading.