How do you cope with grief over the holiday season? (Feel free to post)

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi everyone,

Christmas can be a really wonderful time of the year but it can also be a really difficult time of the year. I thought I'd create this post to talk about ways to cope or even just acknowledge some of that pain you might be feeling over Christmas and the new years.

For me personally, it feels heavy - I think there's a part of my brain that's like "oh they aren't here today" before it hits me, or conversations that used to be light become harder and heavier. I think it also brings up a lot of sad memories not just joyful ones, as a lot of Christmas's for me were hospital visits which is not something anyone wants to experience.

So here's a couple of things I've come up with - maybe you can add to the thread if you like about how you cope or what makes things easier?

If you are struggling know that we are here for you and the forums and the support lines will be open all over the Christmas break.

- It's okay to say no and not do all the things.

- It's okay to let go or create new traditions, or to keep the ones that you have.

- It's okay to take time to think about your loved one. Maybe you want to go to the cemetery, look through photos, leave an empty chair at the table, make their favourite dish, write letters to them, donate to a charity, light a candle or even just talk about it.

- It's okay to not give gifts, or to give different gifts. I do a lot of my shopping online which makes things a little less overwhelming.

- It's okay to take time for yourself.

- It's okay to cry. Or scream. Or talk about it.

- It's okay to ask for help.

- It's okay to laugh or have a nice time. We're allowed to do that and not feel guilty about it.

The biggest thing that's going to help me over Christmas and new years is to be kind to myself and give myself permission - and somehow I think that might help you too. We don't owe anyone anything. We're allowed to hurt and cry and feel like the Grinch (or maybe that's just me!..). But we're also not alone.

[PamelaR]

Hi Romantic

Thank you so much for starting this thread. The christmas period for me is mostly heavy. Things have lightened a little over the years as I've put into place some of the things you outlined above.

Most years my hubby and I tend to withdraw and go away by ourselves. This year I'm having my brother over for lunch then we going away a day or two after. Camping with friends. That is something new for us. Generally we are by ourselves. I think it shows that I'm healing a little each year. I am really looking forward to the trip. Thought we couldn't make it there for awhile, but our friends came to the rescue which was awesome!

What we do now is acknowledge the birth and death of our child by raising a glass of wine to her and talk about how old she would have been. What type of work she might have done, the children she may have. It took us a long time to feel okay about doing this. I used to think it was ghoulish.

How do others manage this time of year when everything isn't quite the joy we'd all like it to be?

Thank you Romantic. My thoughts go to you.

PamelaR

[Doolhof]

Hi PamelaR, Romantic_thi3f and All reading,

I wish you all a Christmas and Festive Season where you allow our thoughts and feelings to be what they are and where you are able to accept them and the possible tears that may flow as you think of loved ones who can not be with you.

The reason a loved one is not with us may be due to death, separation, anger, misunderstanding, illness or so many reasons. I am sure many of you have your own stories.

My husband and I have never shared the memory of our babies deaths, so for me the grief at Christmas is internal and silent. I will sometimes light a candle but not explain why.

This year I am trying to put aside the sense of grief and loss and also all the memories of Christmases past where family have told us we are not to be included as we don't have children or that our home does not have grandchildren for our parents so why would they want Christmas at our home?

The pain of those hurts can become so enhanced this time of year. It is time for me to let them go. Otherwise they cut deep into my heart like a knife. It is time for me to say "that is enough" to those memories.

This Christmas has not been experienced before! I have an opportunity to make it the best Christmas I can possibly make it!

Already I have attended two community Christmas events and have enjoyed them, especially watching the children as they acted out parts of the nativity in all their innocence and fun.

I'm attending a Christmas song concert Thursday evening.

I've decided to visit my family for Christmas on Saturday, it will be a long 5 hour journey each way. Travelling alone.

Maybe in the New Year I will go to the cemetery and chat with my children there. They are always in my heart, so that might not be necessary.

My thoughts too are with all who feel a sense of loss and grief this time of year for any reason.

Kind regards from Dools

[Tiny_Dancer14]

I’ve been running on Adrenaline for a year since my brother (50) was assaulted and died a year ago. My other brother (55) has flipped out and won’t talk to me. I handled the police business, the funeral and the court case by myself. I’m a 57 year old divorcee with no partner and adult children who are both interstate this Christmas and I’ve never felt so alone. Father is estranged, mother is deceased. I feel like my world is shrinking. I’m not depressed. I’m eating, sleeping and working but I’m just feeling very sad and lonely. My friends keep saying I’m so strong because I’ve been putting a lot of effort into promoting organ donation but I just want someone to ask “How are you really? I even tried getting an appointment with a counsellor through work last week because i feel like I would be imposing on my friends to raise the issue, but she was already on holidays. Here I am on Christmas Eve alone and mourning my past life as well as my brother. Coupled up friends just don’t include single friends and unless they’ve lost a relative in violent circumstances they just don’t know how awful the whole process has been.

[Quercus]

Hi Tiny Dancer14 and thank you for reaching out.

There is a lot of pain and lonliness in your post as well as all the others. Christmas is such a hard time to feel isolated when the world seems to be celebrating and or promoting the idea of happy families.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother and the isolation from other family members.

Have you thought about seeing if there are any community gatherings tomorrow that you might feel able to join in? I'm not very good at making myself go and usually end up volunteering in the kitchen... But having a part to play even if it is preparing tea or clearing plates from a church morning tea makes me feel more included and welcome.

These forums and all the helplines too are available tomorrow so if you feel alone please don't hesitate to join in anywhere.

As for me... Christmas eve is always hard. This year hubby bought new lights and they are almost identical to the ones my Grandparents once had. It is hard to feel raw and emotional and tired and to combine that with the excitement and joy of my little kids.

But Mrs D is right... This Christmas is what I make of it. I can look at my kids beside the lights and remind myself of the joy I felt as a child sitting beside a similar tree. My Grandma would have adored these little ferals 😊.

[geoff]

Hello Tiny Dancer, and thanks romantic_thi3f for starting this thread, but I hope we have a few happy comments because some are in the middle range, while others are full of sadness.

I have lost contact with two friends I have known for over 30 years, I've tried to speak to one and emailed the other as they live interstate, but neither have reciprocated, never mind that's their decision and I can't worry about it.

My family know how I feel about Xmas, so I'm not invited to any festivities.

Today will go through and then it's 11 months until we try and cope with Xmas once again, but to me, it's just another day in the calendar month.

Happy Xmas.

Geoff.

[Guest2910]

Hi Geoff,

I'm hearing you.:)

Great to know that there's others who feel the same as I do about xmas. I don't celebrate xmas either. It's just another day on the calendar.

I'm not under the obligation to buy for others when everyone else is doing it. It's just another day to me as there are so many opportunities to give, to help to friends, family + others without any particular reason. It's always nice to give + to receive when least expected.

That gives me the greatest joy all. To give of myself to others in need at any given day is another joy.

Not just 1 day of the whole year.

We all need hope, peace, love, friendship + this can be done Every Day of The Year.

With warm regards.

bbq;s r hot -BBQ

[geoff]

Hello bbq;s, thanks for your lovely reply.

I tell people not to send me any Xmas card because I then have to send one to them, it's not that it's difficult, but only if they could send me an email instead would be better.

I only send money to my two sons, daughter in law and for my two little granddaughters which my ex gets as she loves to shop for a joint present.

As I've said before somewhere on this site is what my grandmother used to say 'the sooner it comes the sooner it goes', and as a kid I never knew what she meant, but now I do.

Thanks again for your reply.

Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Tiny Dancer Sorry to read your story. It certainly sounds like you do have a lot to contend with. Your brother's death must be so tragic, times like Christmas can bring up many memories and thoughts.

Quercus has sent you a lovely post. I too hope you can find some where special to be for Christmas. I am not sure how you find ot what may be available today.

It is difficult when couples do not think to invite single friends to join them. I do know of 4 or 5 single ladies over 60 who are all getting together for Christmas today.

Just want to let you know yo are being thought of and I do so hope you find somewhere to be today.

Geoff and Quercus, wishing you both a very Merry Christmas and hope no matter how your day goes, at the end you have something to be thankful for.

bbqs are hot you have made a good point that we all need to feel loved and cared for all year round and not just at Christmas. Hope you have a lovely day how ever you spend it.

Cheers all and Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate Christmas.

From Dools