Grieving the loss of my partner

[Tina06]

Just over a year ago my fiancé took his life after a silent battle with depression. Neither me nor my daughter ever saw that he wasn't okay and never expected him to do something like this. Since then his family and friends have refused to talk to me or my daughter and blame me for his death. My partner, daughter and myself spent over three years living just down the road from his family which was an absolute disaster as they did not accept nor like me and my daughter. My daughter and I spent family dinners being glared at and ignored but eventually the three of us moved to a new house. Just two months later he did this. My daughter and I have been forced to move to a new state as I have been verbally attacked at my local shopping centre and home. This has left me depressed, lonely and sad. I struggle to do everyday tasks as one minute I am fine the next I am angry then sad. I spend countless hours asking myself why and how did I not see this.

[Birdy77]

Dear Tina,

My heart is heavy with sadness for you.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your partner.

On top of that, I am very very sad to hear of the treatment you have received since his passing.

Firstly, I want to assure you that you are not to blame in any way, for his decision to leave this life.

Secondly, even though now you feel like you should have seen some signs, this is not the case. If he made his decision, it's likely he kept things close to his chest so that he could carry out his plan unimpeded.

I too have experienced a loved one taking their life, and it is horrendous - one of the worst things we will ever go through.

I wondered if you have accessed the services that are available to those of us who have lost loved ones in this way.

For example in NSW the forensic department offered and still offers me counselling. I am hoping you have this available to you, and if not, if you call our helpline (1300 22 46 36), they will be able to direct you to relevant services in your state.

You are so welcome here Tina, to air your grief and sorrow, your angst, your anger, whatever it is that you are feeling.

We care about you and your daughter and want you to feel safe and loved here.

🌻birdy

[Tina06]

Thank you for your kindness, it is nice to hear such lovely words for a change. I intend to try and find some services where I live now.

[quirkywords]

Tina

I was touched so much by words I could not find my own hors to express how I felt.

Birdy has written a supportive reply with helpful suggestions.

Many people will read your post and relate to your words and your reply will help them to know they are not alone.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Dear Tina

I offer you a warm welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that your fiancé has passed away, especially in such tragic circumstances. It must have been a dreadful shock and then to be blamed is even worse.

Sometimes people blame others because they feel guilty and it is the only they can manage their own perceived guilt and hurt. It's not acceptable especially as you were treated so badly by his family prior to your fiancé's death. No one is responsible for the actions of someone else. Had you even an inkling this may happen you would have taken steps to keep him safe.

I tried to take my life many years and I will tell you how I felt, what were my reasons. I hope you don't mind and I am not saying your fiancé felt as I did, but there may well be some similarities. My family had no idea I was depressed as I live alone having separated from my husband. I took great care not to let anyone know how I felt. I was ashamed of my depression and the need to see a psychiatrist and take medication. So I concealed all this.

In retrospect it sounds silly but depression does that. It is often called the black dog and I think it's good analogy. When the dog barks it shuts out what other people are saying. It whispers in your ear how useless you are. In the end it seems pointless to stay alive. There is a great deal of pain there, emotional pain which comes from who knows where and hurts like the worst pain you can imagine. Stop here if this is too much for you.

My family did not exist for me in many ways. I could not 'see' them. So I had no reason to take their hurt into consideration and I am not sure I even thought they may be upset. It sounds very uncaring and selfish I know, and maybe there is an element of that present. It was my decision to leave, not because of this or that or because anyone had been unkind to me. It was just too hard to live this life and I was convinced it would never change. You need a glimmer of hope in that darkness.

I hope you are not blaming yourself in any way because once his mind was made up it would have taken a lot to change. Being in hospital would have been the place to keep him safe. So often family have no idea this was going on. In that respect we have many posts saying this. It is so hard and shocking to learn your family member has passed away.

Well I was found and revived. Many years later I am glad I lived but it took a long time, much pain and wonderful people who helped me to get to where I am.

Mary

[Tina06]

Thank you for your kind words. I do believe my partner was depressed for a very long time and know that it would've taken a lot to save him