Hi Rose
I feel for you so deeply as you face two incredibly challenging times in your life at once. I imagine the amount of emotion you're experiencing must be exhausting. I'm so glad indigo22 has met with you to offer you such heartfelt support and advice while you also helping you mentally make sense of the way forward. I've discovered only recently, since my mum's passing in May this year, that grief is not only a soulful and mental experience, it is also a physical one, which can help explain the exhaustion.
I read a quote recently, from John Green, 'Grief does not change you, it reveals you'. Since reading this, much has changed in my perception. It's had a profound impact on me. With having lost my mum, my closest friend, I can now say
- Grief has revealed to me how fully capable I am of loving so incredibly deeply
- Grief has revealed to me that I cannot thrive on the absence of soulful companionship
- Grief has revealed to me how easily I can feel a deep void that needs filling
just to name a few of the many things I am finding out about myself.
With the so-called 'Two deaths of dementia' (a family faces), there can be so much grief involved. As a person with dementia loses consciousness or conscious awareness over time (the first death), we can face so much loss. This is something I'm finding with my father. Of course, it can be far more intense with a beloved partner than it can be with a parent, for so many different reasons. My heart goes out to you so much. With my father's gradual loss of conscious awareness, I have gained more awareness or a greater level of consciousness. Again, the sense of grief has revealed to me things about myself I was not entirely conscious of, such as how much I valued sharing memories with him, how much I appreciated his ability to move around easily (now that he's unable to walk), how much I enjoyed our humorous and philosophical chats in the past. Grief has revealed just how much I value that which is now lost with him (remembering, moving, laughing, philosophising etc). The question now becomes 'How am I going to develop new ways of remembering, new ways of moving, laughing, philosophising?'.
I believe grief demands questioning. It is a tough and relentless teacher. It does not give up until we learn how to live without it. The right questions become keys for unlocking the way ahead. Indigo touches on a highly significant key, going deep within and asking 'What parts of myself am I being asked to re-turn to or turn again to?'. I'm finding these are the parts of myself I never realised just how much I loved or cherished until grief came to reveal them. ❤️
