Feeling lost.

[Boomorningm]

My ex who was also my best friend committed suicide last week. He was an ice addict of 20 years. I met him in rehab last year(me for alcohol addiction, Im 8 months sober) and we had an intense, immediate connection. I loved him so fiercely. I wanted to protect him and help him. He had the most beautiful, emphatic heart and I just adored him. He made me laugh, he made me feel love for the first time in so long, he made me glow as he walked into the room. Until a couple months ago we were in daily contact. But he was struggling with the normality of life, I wasnt. I was however struggling to help him and felt suffocated by his need for me. I tried and tried again. I kept forgiving him for his erractic behaviour, disappearances and looking back- i chose to believe him when things didnt make sense...was he using? I knew he used at least once. Was it more? I dont know. i felt responsibility for him. Eventually I couldnt cope and told him I needed to step back. I still loved and cared for him and would always be there there, I really did and I know he knew that but I just couldn’t be there for him as much as I initially was…I put off doing that for so long.

Our contact from then was sporadic. Late april he asked me for money as said he lost his phone and I sent it. He then said he was in Melbourne in a rehab and he was learning knitting. I was happy, he was safe. I was relieved. My last messages were “ did something happen? knit me some booties, :P”. But he wasn’t there. He was in Tasmania at his mums and he sent me his suicide message asking me to send the medics to an address so his mum didn’t find him. He said he knew from a young age that he wouldn’t grow old and for me not to go through the what ifs and not to be angry with him. I didn’t see his message for 40 mins and I called 000 and the police called an hour later and said they got there too late.

I am in so much pain. I feel physically sick with guilt. I don’t know how to go on. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to exist in this pain, I just want this pain to go away. He was everything to me and I can never forgive myself for not being there and not knowing how bad he was. I just cant see any light

[Enigmachick2]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. What a wonderful friend you are! I can tell that you cared deeply for your friend. You had to step back when you did as it sounds as though you were in different places in your lives. It seems as though he understood this too and that he doesn't want you to regret anything.

Loss is extremely painful at first - with time, the pain will ease. I know that it doesn't seem like it will, but it will - the time frame for everyone is different. Let yourself grieve and try and remember the good times you spent together. You could try keeping a journal of your memories and the traits you loved about him. This helped me when my mother passed away. I still take out the journal and reminisce so that I don't forget about her (she passed 20 years ago when I was young). Heading outside and sitting in the sunshine or going for a walk can also help.

It will take some strength but you have a lot of it! You have already been through so much and you can can will get through this as well.