Don’t be sad,Mummy

Trinky

Those were the last words my baby girl said on Thursday, knowing she was able to be sedated and intubated to try to save her life as she couldn’t breathe enough in her own. It’s a long story and it was a long road. I was her carer as well as working ft. We had some support - under strict guidelines from my baby girl, who couldn’t be around men or people who were judgemental and not kind. She was 31. It was just her and I, we were a team all her life after her dad left when she was 4.

Now it’s just me and I don’t know how to live without her. I used to just potter at home happily - read, watch tv, do chores, chat to my daughter, hang about generally. We had an amazing and unbreakable bond and knew each other so well. I didn’t travel more than 5km from home due to her separation anxiety and she became housebound in the last 18mths.
What do I do now? I can’t sleep at home. I’m sleeping at my dad’s place and coming home at daybreak to be with the 2 cats at the flat. They are grieving too. I don’t have the energy to do anything with her things or her room. It’s been cleaned up since she died- all the mess taken care of. But it’s her belongings. They are everywhere. Her books, her craft, her clothes. Everywhere I look I see her. It hurts so much.
I have people around me but it’s Christmas and they have celebrations to have and families to be with and I just don’t want to but I am still lonely. I don’t want to be far from my home as it’s going to take a minute to be able to do that safely after so much time, but I want to be somewhere I think. What could I do?

melodica

I am so deeply sorry about your daughter and the loss you are carrying. Christmas can intensify grief in ways that feel overwhelming, especially when the bond was as close and meaningful as the one you describe.

It sounds like the two of you were there for each other, and that kind of connection does not disappear with death.

There is no right or wrong way to feel at this time of year. Sadness, anger, numbness, longing, even moments of relief or laughter can sit side by side. Whatever you are feeling is valid. You are allowed to grieve in your way, at your pace, and to do what feels manageable this Christmas.

You and your daughter’s love still matters. I am holding you in my thoughts during this incredibly hard time.

Alikiwi

Hi, and firstly I am so sorry for your loss. But I'm also inspired by your daughter giving her last words and thoughts to you, obviously she cared very much for you and wants you to be happy. This isn't going to happen any time soon, but slowly bit by bit it will happen. My suggestion is to spend time with other people, especially family no matter how hard it is when you want to be alone. I have no family in this state, so take the time and effort to be around yours, you are lucky in that regard even though it may not feel that way at the moment.

Take one day at a time, one step at a time. You have a lot of memories and you'll never loose those. Feel free to reach out here and anywhere else. And especially remember her words.

Trinky

Thank you for your kindness.

Trinky

Thank you for kindness, I am trying to hang onto those words but I am so broken 💔

I have had an outpouring of support which is lovely but it’s not 24/7 so I have had alone time too.

Alikiwi

I can't possibly know how you're feeling, it's special to you. As for alone time, I have that almost always except when I go shopping or go to the doctors for a script. Don't think of yourself as broken, but bruised. It hurts like hell but it will ease, slowly. I lost my first wife to a car accident, but then we were seperated at the time and it was her boyfriends car. Not the same as your situation, but a poor example of what life throws at us, and we survive. Reaching out for help is a healthy and honest step, pat yourself gentle on the back for that, and keep breathing. It really is a case of just one day at a time, and today is probably one of the hardest. 🏵

Trinky

Thank you

Trinky

Thanks you melodica it all helps me

ViolettaZ

Hi Trinky,

From your words, I can sense that you are an incredibly supportive mother and that there was a deep and beautiful bond between you and your daughter. I truly understand the pain and confusion that come with losing someone so precious.

Please give yourself time. Allow yourself to sit with the sadness; it is a natural and necessary response to loss. When you allow your emotions to be expressed, such as through crying, it can sometimes bring a small sense of relief. If at any point you feel you would like to talk to someone, services like Lifeline (specifically Griefline services) are available; they would offer comfort and support when you need it.

Finding a way to express what you feel is also important. Journaling, writing down whatever is on your mind at the moment, may help you relieve some of the heaviness. Drawing or creating art can also be an effective way to express your grief.

Remember to take care of yourself, such as your sleep and your nutrition. Your daughter would want you to be safe, supported, and cared for as well 🤗

Warm regards,

ViolettaZ