Constant loss

[Deerdra]

I have lost a lot of people close to me from death and broken relationships. But I am now feeling such overwhelming loss after the death of my cat. It is just as heart breaking. I feel guilt that I had not recognised his illness earlier, maybe then he would be with me now. Instead he was euthanised. He went downhill rapidly but should have lived for many more years. He was my alarm clock, my welcome home and my constant companion. I am going through all the denial, bargaining and anger stuff. I have kept myself busy, I have talked to the few people that I am close to, I am already on anti-depressants but I feel like I have reached the limits of my ability to cope. It seems that life is full of loss until eventually we die ourselves. It also seems that there really is no help for depression and that mild depression is a constant state until some event brings it on full strength. Medication only filters out the worst of it. Counselling has never been helpful for me. I know I'm supposed to think positively and look toward the future and reach that acceptance stage eventually but sometimes life is just shit and there is not much you can do about it. I feel helpless, alone and so very, very sad.

[Doolhof]

Hi Deedra,

Welcome to the community here. I am so very sorry to read about the death of your precious cat. My husband and I love cats too and I know how very sad it is when we have to have them euthanised. We cried for ages when our last cat died.

It sounds like you have experienced a lot of grief. I would like to suggest that you look at internet sites on dealing with grief and learning to release some of the hurt and pain you are feeling. I have read that grief can accumulate if we don't deal with it.

Right now you are mourning the life of your cat, your feelings and thoughts can well be more depressive due to past griefs getting mixed up in your mind.

Last year I reached an extremely low point. I was put in hospital for my own safety. It was only after I had been in such a dark place that I was finally able to see, understand and comprehend the information, strategies and ideas the psychologists had been trying to teach me.

I'd like to suggest you have a look at the Beyond Blue site and see what resources they have there. Maybe use their phone help line as well.

Would you like to share some stories about your cat here? Some people do find it does help to share the memories.

Once again, I am very sorry that your cat has died. Feeling guilty about it can add to your depression. I hope you are able eventually to remember your cat with love and not so much sadness.

My sympathy and thoughts are with you.

Kind regards from Dools

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Deerdra,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us and sharing your story. I am really sorry that you've had to go through so much loss, and it sounds like the loss of your cat has kind of toppled you to the edge.

You've said in your post that you've reached your limits of the ability to cope, but you're here - and that's coping. You've been engaging in medications and therapy and that's coping too.

Is it your counsellor that told you to 'think positively and look towards the future?' What sort of advice/techniques did they give you? For me personally, the idea of thinking positively can sound a bit wishy-washy. How can we be positive when life has handed us so much pain and grief? We might be able to look to the future but if we're not looking forward to it that can be unhelpful too. You've mentioned the 5 stages but it's important to know it's not a ladder where acceptance is the lovely finale we reach. We always bounce between the stages; it has no rhythm or pattern.

The aim of creating those 'stages' and acceptance was around helping us understand grief, but the idea that we'll all be okay and things will be shiny is just not realistic. Ideally, we aim to create a world that's bigger than our pain. But I think a big part of that is knowing that you don't always have to think positively or look ahead. It's okay to be where you are right now.

I hope this is helpful,

[Deerdra]

I suppose I mentioned other losses in my life to explain that this is comparable. I think many people cannot understand that the death of a cat can be as significant as other deaths. I don’t think I am getting his death mixed up with other grief. But I am tired of grieving.

He was a beautiful big cat with unusual markings. He would greet me at the door when I came home and put up his paw like a dog for a cuddle. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and this is part of my regret. He was always in at night and when I was working but I wonder whether he would still be here if I had kept him solely as an indoor cat. He would sit on a stump in the backyard or in the front driveway and survey his domain. He would come to the front security door and rattle it to be let back in. He was an affectionate chilled out cat and other people loved him as he was very friendly.

I can’t get the images of him suffering out of my mind. It was terrible. He had pneumonia and it is like taking him to the vet brought on his breathing difficulties and moving him around in a carrier stressed him out and exacerbated things further. I should have left him there but felt that he would be more comfortable in his own environment and then I had to take him to an emergency vet in the middle of the night. I couldn’t pay to put him on a ventilator. I have mixed feelings about that. It fills me with sorrow but I also think it is wretched that we can do this for our pets when there is so much human suffering in the world. Yes, that is a tangent but that’s the reality. Did I cause this by having the air conditioning too cool, not having his vaccinations up to date, not taking him to the vet earlier. I should have taken him to the vet when I first noticed he was off his food and more layabout than usual. I can’t believe he is not here with me. I want to reverse time and do things differently.

[Doolhof]

Hi Deerdra,

I'm sure many of us would like to be able to turn back time and do things differently.

Your cat certainly sounds very special. It is hard to let go. It must be harder still when you consider all that you have written about the situation.

Once you realised the trouble your cat was in, you did try to get the help and assistance you needed for him. Not being a vet you had no idea how ill he was. Animals can't talk so it is hard to know when they are sick or injured.

Vets are expensive. It is a shame their services cost so much. We have struggled in the past wanting to do the best thing by a pet but not always being able to afford all the options.

Grief is a process. There are some beneficial sites on the internet explaining grief and loss.

It is very hard to say goodbye and to realise our much loved pets are not returning.

Blaming yourself is not going to make the situation any easier but is understandable. Your heart is aching and you are in pain.

Hope you can find some peace amongst the loss.

From Dools

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Deerdra,

It's great to hear from you again and thank you for sharing with us what your cat was like. What was it's name?

I know that often people think that a pet loss is not comparable to a human loss, but as someone who has experienced a lot of pet grief, know that you're not alone here.

I'm really sorry to hear about the way your cats life ended. I can see how you'd be pretty confused and beating yourself up about it. Even though I don't have a cat, I feel like I would probably make the same decisions as you. It sounds like all of that happened in one day, yet the way I see it - the cat spent most of the time with you, and had a really good life with you. Instead of being at the vet, it was home with you, and that to me feels pretty sacred, even if it was a painful way to say goodbye.

A couple of the dogs that I've lost have died in terrible ways (like being poisoned) and the feelings of anger and confusion and kicking myself for feeling like I should have done more has been so painful too. But what I know now is that I did the very best that I could. Other than their death, my dogs had a terrific life with me - just as I'm sure your cats had a terrific life with you.

I hope that this is somewhat helpful. Hopefully you can find ways to remember your cat for the beautiful soul that they were, rather than the painful ending that you both had to have.

[Tamerah]

Hi Deerdra,

I came onto the Greif and Loss forum to start a thread of my own but then read yours. I am so very, very sorry to hear about your loss. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my cat's death. I too had to put her down. Since then I've lost a beloved Aunt, my baby brother, my dad, my grandmother and my big brother. If I talk about the overwhelming power of all this loss, Shadow (my cat) is the one I bring up the most. This is because, while she may not have been human, she was still my family. She came into my world at a time when I would slowly discover I couldn't have children. I nurtured her for 18 wonderful years. She was the only living being who sat by my side through year after year of depression and anxiety. Like your beautiful boy, she would wait for me to come home and insist on cuddles as soon as I walked in the door. She too was an inside/outside cat. Like you, when she got sick, I struggled with the "what ifs" and that was difficult to let go of. To this day, three extremely long, difficult years later, I still think I can hear her talking to me every now and then. This brings me peace. As you say, you don't mix up the loss of a pet with other losses. Every loss is unique and every loss MUST be processed individually and as uniquely as the individual you lost. I hate the cliche that "time heals all wounds" because it doesn't but, as you'd know, it does make the hurt a tiny bit more manageable as each week passes. Unfortunately, in the mean time, we have to go through the pain and, as you say, it's exhausting.

Thank you so much for sharing the love you felt for your special baby. I hope your sadness eases with each passing day and the good memories finally replace the bad ones you're currently working through.

Tamerah

[Leelacat]

Deerdra, I just joined because I too lost my cat in January, and I’m struggling to cope. Your story is so close to mine. My girl was 16 and my best friend in the world. She was there before my husband and kids, helped me through years of depression and just the best thing to ever come into my life. Her passing was not peaceful. I was able to get her into an oxygen tank because she wasn’t breathing, and had the same worries about the decisions I made, transporting her to the vet and creating more stress than she needed. I worried that all the movements was too much for her in the end. Like yourself I also ended up taking her to the emergency pet hospital and my last image of her was her looking back at me and meowing in pain. It turns out that she had severe heart disease and I am filled with guilt about this. I would dote on her every day, I just loved her so much, but I think part of me didn’t want to accept that she was getting older. When I read that you worried about your boy being indoor/outdoor, I’ve had the opposite concern: should I have just let my indoor girl outside and live, chase bugs and get more exercise? I still cry most afternoons, we would sit together and watch the sunset everyday, and now I miss her so much it physically hurts. I’ve stopped talking to people about it but I know this grief will last a long time. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I am so so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, and it is hugely painful. Sending you much love xox

[grt123]

Animals live in the moment. If they get fed, kept warm and loved then that's a great day! And great days add up to a great life! You should feel proud you did that for your beloved cat.