complex grief with loss of mum

[user]

i havent heard anyone talk about this and maybe its because i shouldnt feel this way. my mum died a few years ago when i was 14 and ive had a really difficult time with my mental health since. Before she died, i had supressed all my trauma that both she and my dad (who is still alive) had caused me. its worth noting that me and my father have a very poor replationship, he is married to my mums ex-bestfriend. anwayway, when my mum died i obviously felt really sad, but then my memories of the trauma that she caused me came and now all i feel is conflicted. i miss her but also when she was alive,she broke me beyond repair, so i feel shameful that i dont miss her at the same time. its really difficult because its like being in conflcit with someone whos dead, like she is not here but i am still truamatised yet when she was alive we had an incredible replationship, but was it because i was supressing all the trauma????? anyway, hopefully someone related to this, or maybe i am just a bad person for feeling like this. idk anymore. 

[white knight]

Hi, User, welcome

I'm separated from my mother, she's 93 and I 68yo. When she passes I'll reflect on her nurturing in my young days but I dont dare see her at all now, the reason? its not unlike a bad relationship, you yearn for the good but forget the bad, then if you meet up in the street and have a 15 minute chat, you walk away realising why you broke up, all the annoying things return.

The other thing important if not to feel bad about how you feel, you are entitled to feel the way you do. And you dont need to justify yourself either, you can say "my grief is personal so I'll not answer that question thankyou".  So Grief is personal and there;s no point hurting yourself about how you feel. One day you might have children and you will be a better parent because of your feelings and grief/conflict now, so good will come out of bad experiences. That's summing up how life is really.

"we are unique, we are not like anyone else, we feel as we do as individuals... then there's no best  way to react than reacting naturally as you yourself do"

TonyWK