Broken

[J3mjemm]

In October I lost my Aunty, on my first day back at work learnt of one of my fighters committing suicide, heartbreakingly I had tried to call him earlier that day to check in given I had been away. Breaking the news to the rest of the gym was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. On what was meant to be his boxing debut, I had been busy getting the night organised

The one person I was truly looking forward to seeing was one of my best friends. She had been there for me in the weeks leading up, calling me to make sure I was okay, offering to come cook me food, just being her, full of love.

As the night kicked off, she wasn’t there which wasn’t like her so I msgd her, a few hours passed and still no reply but my msg had been opened
2 days later, I’m debating whether to send her a msg or not, telling her how she’s upset me when I get a call from a friend, asking what happened to her, saying she saw a post on FB she had died.

My whole world crumbled, I remember falling to the floor and just crying, she never showed to the fight night because she died that day.

The mystery of her death was made worse with people messaging me asking how it happened, telling me what they had heard, due to this I was having nightmares of these horror stories people had told I struggled to come to terms with her death, angry that one of my last thoughts about her was that I was annoyed.

On the day I viewed her body in her casket will forever be burnt into my memories, to physically see her, I still don’t have words for the emotions I felt. To kiss her forehead goodbye and to feel the cold under my lips it took what was left of my broken heart and shattered it into a million pieces. This was my first time seeing an open casket

It’s coming up to 6 months since her death and I still cry when someone mentions her name, For the first few months seeing someone who resembled her in the slightest way would send me into this panic, I couldn’t breath & for a second I would feel the absolute strength of the heart ache I was trying to suppress.

That heart ache is still very much present, I’m learning to slowly live with it, I still cry most days, now I just do it behind closed doors or into my pillow so no one can hear, because when your hurting you don’t want to hurt those around you.

If anyone was to ask me if I was okay, I would tell them I’m fine, but under the surface I am completely and totally soul shattering broken.
 

[geoff]

Hi J3mjemm, welcome to the forums and sometimes the forums move so quickly that threads go from page 1 to page 6, so I'm really sorry that your comment hasn't been answered because it's a traumatic one indeed.

To acknowledge, respect and kiss someone who has passed away is not an experience anyone would want to do every day as it's awful and very confronting but certainly a devastating time.

You're still in mourning and can I please suggest that you talk with your doctor and then may be a psychologist for grief counselling.

I just wanted to contact you to say that we are worried about you and hope you can reply back to us.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi J3mjemm

My heartfelt thoughts of love and healing are with you at this incredibly challenging and heartbreaking time in your life.

Having someone to help guide you and your thoughts during a time which would challenge even the strongest of people is (as Geoff mentioned) worth considering. Whilst we are counseled, as kids, to prepare us for the world, there are a myriad of things we are never adequately prepared for. These are events or challenges which we may need to seek counsel/understanding for as adults. Whether you find counsel through a grief counselor, through literature or books which provide some insight within this painful time or through the forum here, keep in mind that you are never entirely alone through such support.

Take care J3mjemm

[Enigmachick2]

Hi J3mjemm.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can totally relate to some of your experience as when my mother passed, I was 16 years old and the stories that were going around the school yard about how she died were so horrific. It was terribly hurtful for me to hear about these fictional stories and the images I received from them were also engraved in my mind and were something I had to deal with on top of losing my mother.

Over 20 years later, I can still vividly see the image of my mother in a casket (also the first and only time i have seen someone dead). i was shaking her cold body to wake up and she didn't look anything like my mother - she was wearing makeup. it was extremely confronting for me but i'm glad that i did it so that i could say finally say goodbye.

please recognise that you are in the early stages of grief. Within the first 3 years after my mum passed, every mention of the word "Mum" or "Mother" or any reference to Mother's day or someone saying to "go home and give this to your Mum" (which happened all the time at school), caused my heart to break that little bit more (even though i thought it couldn't break any more) and I had to hold back tears. It look me 3 years to stop having this reaction and to be able to talk about the fact that my Mum was no longer around and i'd often cry but did find that it made me feel better. i still cry at times and wish she was here.

I hope that you have someone that you trust that you can talk to otherwise your GP may be able to help. there are lots of resources online that can also help. if you haven't already, please read the Grief Fact Sheet provided by Beyond Blue (http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0390). I have also found reading about people who have experienced losing a mother has helped me. Writing a journal with memories of my mum has also helped me to celebrate her and appreciate the moments that I did have with her.

Please keep replying on this thread as I'd like to hear how you are doing.