Grief and loss

Support and advice following the loss of a family member, partner, spouse or someone close to you.

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Sophie_M Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 27

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to ... View more

Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to: share your grief, and let others support you. This forum category is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you, providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Please be aware that threads in this forum may contain discussions of self-harm and suicide.

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E_Templar "timeframe" for grieving?
  • replies: 5

hi, just registered on this forum, so please go easy on me! I had a stillbirth 5 years ago and to this day it still haunts me. I feel like I am a failed mum for not being able to give my son a life properly. I do have a living daughter, now 9 years o... View more

hi, just registered on this forum, so please go easy on me! I had a stillbirth 5 years ago and to this day it still haunts me. I feel like I am a failed mum for not being able to give my son a life properly. I do have a living daughter, now 9 years old, who is a huge part of my life. her father ( now my ex, for numerous amount of reasons I won't elaborate right now) thinks I am still "whinging about it" and I should just get over it, stop moping around over something that happened 5 years ago. is there a "timeframe" of some sort for grieving, or being depressed? I used to see a psychologist right after the stillbirth but I felt greatly uncomfortable being in her office. seeing a "f__g shrink" apparently should have fixed me not made me feel worse as a mother, my ex said back in the day. not sure why I remember what he uttered all that time ago as I don't live with him anymore and only talk when absolutely needed (he is in QLD I am in WA with my daughter) but upon browsing disability employment services, I thought, "is depression considered as a disability? oh speaking of which... yeah apparently there's a timeframe for being depressed" my apologies if I am rumbling. it has been years but it is not an easy thing to get over. should people just "get over" grief after a certain amount of time or is there no such thing?

PaganGirl Grief and anxiety following death of mother
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone My mum (56yo) died suddenly 3 weeks ago. She was extremely depressed, and took her own life. She’d had a breakdown and been diagnosed 2 years earlier, which quickly led to her first attempt on her life. Myself and my two brothers (ages 25... View more

Hi everyone My mum (56yo) died suddenly 3 weeks ago. She was extremely depressed, and took her own life. She’d had a breakdown and been diagnosed 2 years earlier, which quickly led to her first attempt on her life. Myself and my two brothers (ages 25-31) found her (after a long search) very close to dying. Other family were involved too. Over the following year or so she spent a lot of time in psychiatric wards, had ECT, had numerous medication changes. We attended various mental health meetings with her and her team. She began a pattern of recovering, return to her own home, stop taking her pills, becoming unwell again, and disappearing. We’d find out she was missing, go looking for her, and find her near death after another attempt at taking her life. this happened 4-5 times Finally she returned home after some more ECT and seemed to have improved. She was still very flat in mood, and couldn’t seem to get motivated for anything, even her old hobbies. But she returned to work part-time, which had been a very important step for her in her recovery, and we were all hopeful she was finally recovering for good. We tried to get her involved in social groups and hobbies, would take her out for dinners and nice events. She seemed to be on the mend. Until 3 weeks ago. We had no warning, none of us noticed she was getting worse. A welfare check was done when she didn’t go to work. She was found dead at home, having taken her own life. Without going into detail, it is certain that she planned this very carefully to ensure it would happen. Obviously, her family is devastated. We loved her and we had all tried so hard to get her well. In the the immediate aftermath, we were in shock. My family is very supportive and close, so we have all been there for each other as the grief set in, as her children (including me) planned her funeral, had her last viewing, and said goodbye. As time goes on, I still find myself crying at unexpected times, especially at night. My partner has been VERY supportive but I feel guilty for my sudden tears. Also, Im having panic attacks- over me and my partners life insurance, over my fear other loved ones might die, over if my mum suffered at the end, and even over where her spirit/ soul is now (I’m not religious). my worst panic attacks are over her personal possessions i have inherited. I’m terrified of them getting damaged or lost, as they are all I have left of my mum. ive booked a counsellor, but wanted to post here. Thankyou

SmileySocks Depression compounding grief
  • replies: 4

I lost a friend/co-worker suddenly last night although sudden not entirely unexpected. I feel like I don't know what to do, I've had this feeling with grief before and I know it's only early in the grief process. I was feeling down before but now I f... View more

I lost a friend/co-worker suddenly last night although sudden not entirely unexpected. I feel like I don't know what to do, I've had this feeling with grief before and I know it's only early in the grief process. I was feeling down before but now I feel even more down, like everything is pointless now. We were friends but not super close friends and I feel like I shouldn't be or don't have the right to be feeling such strong grief over her death. I feel like if I wasn't depressed, my grief would be more proportional. I actually feel embarrassed to feel so overwhelmingly sad. Does anyone know any tips on dealing with grief exacerbated by depression?

jayboyblue Darker than black.
  • replies: 3

Hello everyone, I have been getting told by my close friends that I need to begin some sort of counseling and support since the tragedy i experienced in October. My mother had cancer (originally vulva cancer), which was successfully removed with mino... View more

Hello everyone, I have been getting told by my close friends that I need to begin some sort of counseling and support since the tragedy i experienced in October. My mother had cancer (originally vulva cancer), which was successfully removed with minor difficulties. Things were on the mend for about 16 months until last October when I received the dreaded phone call from my brother who was under the impression that it was serious but not dire, when he told me that I need to make arrangements and travel interstate to say goodbye to our mum. The cancer had resurfaced in her pancreas and in under 20 days it spread to her liver and dispersed into her blood stream. By the time i arrived at her side she had under two hours left of her life. I was immediately spoken to regarding the prospect of euthanasia (which i understood was illegal )? However when my personal analysis of the entire situation was complete i could see why that horrible topic was brought up? I don't know what part exactly has disturbed me the most? The confrontation of crying relatives and sad combined energy, the state of her ? or the shock of seeing my mum try to communicate with me in short 10 second intervals before the medication took over her cognitive functionality, she looked like a hippie (I'll never forget her eyes)! I would not wish it upon anyone. That night after she died i sat with my siblings while they engaged in the "blame game" fuled by unresolved conflict and alcohol and that numbing benediction of unnecessary drama never gets any less tedious. I sat there in shock, complete disbelief, that visceral raw emotional pain that I refuse to expel in front of most people. Being the first born in my family i felt it was paramount that I allow everyone else to break down around me while I jumped into a more caretaker type role. Subconscious denial can be a powerful coping mechanism i guess? I felt every burning emotional sub set listed in fact i even felt others that are a little too dark for any list of symptoms associated with death. almost two months on and i am unsure what stage I'm in now? I'm not eating, sleeping nor taking appropriate steps for recovery. In a way it's like i chose euthanasia for myself? Secret permission to leave this nightmare. In silence with my demons. Jay

Tiredgirl Lifelong depression, anxiety and panic compounded by the recent unexpected loss of my mother
  • replies: 8

I need help and advice, please. I am a 25 year old woman who has dealt with anxiety, depression and and panic disorder since puberty. I am yet to find treatment that works for me, though I am yet to give up. I have found several roadblocks in terms o... View more

I need help and advice, please. I am a 25 year old woman who has dealt with anxiety, depression and and panic disorder since puberty. I am yet to find treatment that works for me, though I am yet to give up. I have found several roadblocks in terms of costs and waiting lists. For as long as I can remember I have found it increasingly more difficult to go to work (and as a child, school) I find myself having panic attacks the night before or the morning of a shift. I have begun to wonder if this is a form of agoraphobia, as any activity where I feel that I cannot immediately leave if I want to, seems to trigger this for me. I have fought through this for so long, with it increasingly becoming more difficult. Most of the time I can force myself to do what I need to do despite the nausea and racing heart and general feeling of needing to run far away. But for the last year or so it has had such a hold on me, causing me to miss alot of work and lose a job. I decided to study for 12 months instead of working, but the same panic affected me in the same way when it came to placement - and it once again beat me, I'm now forced to withdraw because I was unable to complete the placement. This has left me feeling suicidal more than once, feeling as though I'll never be a functioning person, though I never act on it because I couldn't hurt my loved ones in that way. I refused to sink this time, and picked myself up almost immediately and threw myself into jobs interviews and casual work before securing a full time position. Three days before I was due to start this job my mother very suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. I was with her and performed cpr on her until the paramedics arrived, they were unable to revive her. I did well at first, I kept myself busy, planning the funeral and staying strong for those around me - not wanting them to worry about me. But now I just feel hopeless. I took a month off and went to work for a couple of weeks before I got injured and then sick, causing me to miss the past week and dread going back. I feel that everything is just too hard, how do I deal with these issues as well as dealing with the loss of my mother simultaneously. I am exhausted, I have been exhausted for so long and now I just feel I have nothing left. All of my friends and family have been wonderful, but it's true that everyone begins to disappear after a few weeks. I feel I'm just a burden to them now. Please help.

Gaijingirl Lost my sister and not coping
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone I'm here because I lost my sister to suicide 5 months ago and I'm not coping. I feel anxious, on the verge of tears all the time, hopeless, irritable and unsure of myself. My partner, family and friends are supportive but I don't want the... View more

Hi everyone I'm here because I lost my sister to suicide 5 months ago and I'm not coping. I feel anxious, on the verge of tears all the time, hopeless, irritable and unsure of myself. My partner, family and friends are supportive but I don't want them to worry too much or overload them. I feel like my whole life is pointless even though objectively I know it's not. I'm seeing a counsellor periodically and reading a lot of books. I have a strong desire to change my job and location, but I'm not sure if now is a good time to be doing that. However my job seems intolerable now and I hate going there. I don't know what to do as I'm scared of feeling so hopeless. Thank you for any help you can give me.

Amber3 Family member who committed suicide
  • replies: 12

Hello I'm amber and my brother suicided in June and I'm really struggling with the why's and other thoughts. Is there any other people out there that have had a family member suicide?

Hello I'm amber and my brother suicided in June and I'm really struggling with the why's and other thoughts. Is there any other people out there that have had a family member suicide?

Millie71 Dad passed away 6 weeks ago and still struggling
  • replies: 8

Dad passed away suddenly six weeks ago. Mum passed away 7 years ago. I’m 46 and struggling. I went back to work a couple of days after dads funeral, and have had to take this week off work as I am now finding it harder to cope. Is this normal? I am n... View more

Dad passed away suddenly six weeks ago. Mum passed away 7 years ago. I’m 46 and struggling. I went back to work a couple of days after dads funeral, and have had to take this week off work as I am now finding it harder to cope. Is this normal? I am now also feeling guilty for taking the time off work, which is making me feel worse. I seen my doctor earlier this week, and have to go back to see her today. I am feeling very down, which is making me feel so sick.

fish84 25 years and still hate myself
  • replies: 2

its amazing how time flies and you dont even notice. i have tried to move forward but it still plays on my mind every day. its almost 25 years since my dad died from suicide. i was 10 years old but it still feels like yesterday, i still remember seei... View more

its amazing how time flies and you dont even notice. i have tried to move forward but it still plays on my mind every day. its almost 25 years since my dad died from suicide. i was 10 years old but it still feels like yesterday, i still remember seeing him walking along the side of the road and me on the school bus watching him as it drove away. i knew something wasnt right i had this sense that it wasnt but did nothing. when i got home i found out what happened then it hit me like a tonne of bricks, i could of stopped this i could of been there and he wouldnt of done it. even now i still hate myself and i hate him, i hate him for doing this to me making me feel like this but i still also love him. its hard to figure out how to feel, its tough i cried when i was a kid but now its hard, its hard to be emotional about it as due to length since occurring but i see these people older then me who have there dads still and i feel this tug at my heart of loneliness. i dont have anyone to talk to, to discuss male issues have that father son chat about life. i visited his grave site recently and it was tough cause what do you say a plaque, is he listening, does he understand that the effect this has had on me growing up and still has an effect on my life now. hardest thing i have found is letting go and accepting that he has gone and that i could of done something.

SarahLB Grief and Loss
  • replies: 1

Hi Ive recently had to advise my partner his father has passed away unexpectedly and have been supporting him and mother in law during this process. Mother in law has health issues and requires 24/7 support as her husband was also main carer. Since f... View more

Hi Ive recently had to advise my partner his father has passed away unexpectedly and have been supporting him and mother in law during this process. Mother in law has health issues and requires 24/7 support as her husband was also main carer. Since father inlaw passing mother in law has been stating she is free and can do what she wants now. Doesn't have a care in the world and doesn't care that people are putting there lives on hold and trying to assist her to ensure she is cared for as much as possible. I suffer with Depression and Anxiety and yesterday she kept having a go at me and blaming me for things that I had not done. I know that this is her health concern but she is also being spiteful. I am now struggling with my daily routines and feel terrible as I couldn't remain strong for my partner. I need help and don't know where to turn.