A new normal

[Bronwynne]

My husband suicided almost a year ago in February on our daughters 14th birthday in her bedroom

My daughter attempted suicide in July last year 

I am struggling with a lot of emotions, my daughter says she hates me, hardly calls me Mum anymore, just uses my first name, says she wishes I was dead and blames me for her complex ptsd which I have also been diagnosed with

I have no family here they are all interstate I feel all alone have no close friends I can talk to just feel so lost and alone 

Xmas last year was so hard with it just being my daughter and myself I don't want a repeat of that 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Bronwynne

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband, your daughter's father, & for the circumstances surrounding his death, & how it has affected you both.

Easily, I can imagine all sorts of emotions you & your daughter are feeling, trying to process what's happened, why & how, & what it means for you both, now, to no longer have him in your lives.

Have you or your daughter, separately or together, spoken to any counsellors or therapists? If not, It could be helpful for you to look into doing that. You can begin by talking to your GP, who can help you decide about this.

In the meantime, you are welcome to talk here.

Also, BB's own counselling service, on 1300 224 636. Or Lifeline 13 11 14, or for your daughter, Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800. These things have chat online options, too.

Both of you have been hurting for a long time & continue to hurt so much. When in deep pain & having no way to truly, properly express that pain it comes out in ways which can be difficult for those around us.

The way your daughter is lashing out at you, blaming you, saying things which hurt you, seems to me, she is doing because her feelings are overwhelming & she is struggling to contain them, or simply doesn't know how to express what she is feeling any better than she is.

& while you are also struggling, I can imagine it has been difficult for you to be as much of a support for your daughter as you would have liked.

You both have had a hell of a lot to deal with, so I am hoping you are not giving yourself a hard time about how you are feeling & when you've do not behaved as well as you would have preferred.

I'm sure you are doing your very best.

I think, I would let her know that the things she is saying to you are hurtful. You can acknowledge & accept her feelings, as these are her feelings. You can reflect bac to her what you see her feelings are, saying to her, "I understand & can see you are angry, hurt." & maybe, include, that you both are sad, hurt & angry, confused, emphasise that you both need to be here for each other, because you are in this together.

I don't know if I've said what I feel is right or wrong - I'm no expert, not a parent or anything.

School counsellor? Is there one & do they know what your daughter is dealing with?

I'm trying to think of people beyond your family, because you just might be too close, & your daughter is putting a lot of her feelings onto you, as a way she is trying to cope.

Oh, I do hope this helps.

Hugzies to you both.

mmMekitty

[Bronwynne]

Hi mmMekitty, 

My daughter has been  seeing a social worker from Chyms for counselling but she doesn't want to see anyone else now, it's been  hard to try to connect her with anyone as she keeps saying she's fine when I know she isn't. 

I'm trying the best I can, just taking everything day by day, and hopefully we can get through this horrible mess together

Thankyou for reaching out, it means a lot to me Bronwynne ❤

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Bronwynne,

I’m so sorry for all that you and your daughter have been through. I just had a thought which is the Suicide Callback Service may be of assistance. They provide counselling support to those who have lost someone to suicide as well as those struggling with suicidality. You may have looked into them already but I thought I’d mention them just in case they’re any help. If you go to their website and the drop-down menu (top right) you will get several options and you can click on “Lost someone to suicide”. There is a list of articles including one called “Supporting adolescents bereaved by suicide”. And underneath the articles you can click on options for calling them by phone, online chat or video chat.

 I just thought that might be another avenue for support and resources to help. I have called them three times when experiencing suicidal thoughts and I cannot speak highly enough of them. They really helped to ground me and de-escalate the state I was in. They seem to have excellent training and interpersonal skills. So I’m guessing they could be helpful for those who’ve lost someone to suicide too and may have some good ideas and resources to support both you and your daughter.

Take good care and I wish you much kindness and strength in processing and coming to terms with all that has happened. Very best wishes,

Eagle Ray

[mmMekitty]

Hello Bronwynne & ER

I'm glad she is willing to talk to someone, at least one person.

I wonder if her reason for not talking to you is that being her mum, you are simply too close, close to her, close the difficulties she is, perhaps, not feeling prepared to or able to deal with. It could be she simply doesn't want to upset you. If she says she is struggling, she may fear this will make you unhappy & worried.

Or, a reason for being determined to be 'okay' is that maybe she thinks it all won't hurt so bad.

While she continues to talk to the social worker, let that happen. try to not make a huge deal of the fact the social worker is the only person she talks to. &, let her conversations with the social worker be confidential between them. I'm sure, if anything she says to the social worker is alarming, the social worker will have the good sense to have a private word with you.

Thanks ER, I didn't know the Suicide Call Back Service did such a broad service. It sounds like a great resource for Bronwynne, so, Bronwynne , I hope you will follow that up.

Take care & hugzies

mmMekitty