A different kind of grief

[Sherrybaby]

When I was a child I used to cry into my pillow wailing that I was so alone. I was always told I was dramatic as I had a large family. After years of denial I now understand why I felt that way. From growing up with a mother who unfortunately had no motherly instincts and was emotionally unavailable and my father who has abandoned me because of his partner who I would no longer let emotionally abuse me, I’m left grieving. I’m grieving the loss of the pictures I had created in my head of who I wanted my parents to be. No longer in denial I know feel like I’ve lost my roots. But I haven’t, they’ve never been there. I’m not sure how to except that the expectations I have of needing my parents to be the parents I’ve always needed. I don’t know how to except this and move on..

[Croix]

Dear Sherrybaby~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. I can understand how you feel, I guess just about all children have expectations of their parents, even if they do not realize it at the time. They are quite normal things, love, attention, care, protection, I'm sure there are lots more, that will do for now.

When kids are not bought up in a good environment the shadow left can last - sometimes for a lifetime. So you are grieving for what should have been, and was not.

I have no real idea how to make one accept that and put it behind, perhaps one does not, but in some ways it can be turned around to a positive.

My own experience with my parents was not quite the same as yours, however it was not a happy relationship and they eventually severed it.

Later I became a parent myself, and resolved not to do the same things my parents had done, to pay attention, not to see everything had to be my way, giving more praise than criticism, lots of things. I guess it has worked, I have given and received love, and still do, and am regarded as an ally in life.

Perhaps you too will be a parent, and your childhood can serve as a map of what not to do, like it has for me.

You mentioned you had a large family, is there anyone with whom you have good relations, mutual affection and support?

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Sherrybaby

I join Croix in welcoming you to the forum. We all have our needs and disappointments and have experienced grief for all sorts of reasons. Accepting these is never easy. To feel unwanted or abandoned is hard and can lead us to being needy and clingy, often towards those who take advantage of our neediness.

There is no one size fits all answer to your questions. Grieving for the love and care we have never had is truly hard. Like you I missed out on the care that is every child's right though for different reasons. My sister, three years older than me, was found to be deaf about the time I was born. Everything revolved around her and I was resentful that no one cared for me.

Not entirely true but enough when we are children to feel unloved. For years I wondered why I was not good enough, as I thought, and why my sister was preferred. It's only as we grow and see different aspects of our parents and siblings that we can come to understand why our lives were as they were. When I became a parent and realised how much work went into caring for my children I began to see my mom in a different light.

I often hear parents say they treat their all children the same which I believe is not the best way. Children all have different needs and each one needs encouragement to be the best person they can. Had I received the attention given to my sister I think my mom would have collapsed from exhaustion. I had another older sister and brother and a younger brother. I was a war baby and life was tough for everyone. Looking back with my experience of raising children I can see the dilemmas my mom faced in deciding who had her attention.

Yes it seemed unfair when I was a child and maybe skewed my thinking. I can see more clearly why things happened as they did. It wouldn't have been much help when I was a child because I needed comfort and reassurance which was in short supply. And as an adult I find I miss the nurture I craved. Does knowing this make it easier? Yes from an intellectual perspective but not enough from an emotional perspective.

My response is to say mom did the best she could under difficult conditions. I think it has affected my present need for love and knowing this I can make better choices in that area. As Croix said, I was able to avoid what I considered to be the worst parts of my childhood and give more to my children. It doesn't take all the hurt away but I can understand the whys. Hope this is helpful.

Mary