Yeh well

[Little_Sparrow]

Hi. I'm not looking for advice, as I know most of it. Just need to share. 36 years of depression. Treatment resistant a lot of the time. Lucky to have a handful of good supports. Really tired of life but not going to suicide. Committed myself to not doing that years' ago as as I have a responsibility to my Mum, my dogs, my partner. Just getting through. Will I have ECT again? Don't know. Maybe. Just getting through. Is there anyone out there who is in a similar situation? I'm lucky in many ways, supportive partner, financially secure, live in a country like Australia. But nothing shakes the depression. A swim might lift it by a notch but the next day it's back to where it was. Meds are starting to kick in. Sleep gives some relief. Thanks for listening. I just needed to tell someone.

[JessF]

Hello Little Sparrow, I think the point where I became...not happier, but perhaps 'content' is the word I'm looking for... it's when I gave up on the idea of shaking depression, and learned to accept that it was a part of my life. Once I started to let go of the judgment and the idea that I had to be happy, I found myself being in the moment more and not connecting deeply to the sadness when it hit. It sounds like after 36 years you've reached a level of acceptance too. Sometimes getting through is enough, and it's harder when you have to dig deeper to find joy than others seem to have to. But I'm finding as I get older I appreciate those moments more, and have faith that the sadness does lift.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jess

Good to see you back posting. Congratulations on becoming a Valued Contributor. I have always admired your straight forward way of approaching a topic and the explanations. You have helped me often though you probably did not know it.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Dear Little Sparrow

Welcome to the forum and thanks for trusting us with your story. You have had a huge and painful journey for many years. When I read your post I did not know what I could say to help you. Fortunately I read Jess' post and thought that's exactly right.

I have also found that when I stopped fighting and accepted what happens in my life I began to find peace in my life. Not only with depression but with other major events. It's taken years in some cases. When I discovered the psychologist I was seeing was a fake I really fell apart. Still have some fragile moments but sooooo much better these days.

Sometimes it gets triggered by a casual word or event. I have found it hard to trust anyone these days but I know I am becoming healed thanks to my family and friends. I wanted to tell you this as I expect you can imagine how much I felt betrayed, and of course my depression tried to tell me it was my fault for not realising. This happens in virtually all events but it's not true. Sometimes the world hands us a situation which we have to live with. Sometimes there is a chain reaction but it is important that we do as Jess describes.

Digging deeper does teach resilience and I think that's a gift we can share with others. Continue to hold on and let the sadness come and let it go.

Mary

[Little_Sparrow]

Thanks folks for your support. It's about living with it. Regards Maryanne

[JessF]

Hello Maryanne, please drop in and update whenever you like. It can help just to get it out of your head sometimes.

Mary, thank you so much for your kind words. It's lovely to know I may have helped in some way. I very much enjoy reading your posts as well.

[Bob_]

Hi Little Sparrow

New to this. 36 years is a journey and hopefully shows strength. I’ve also had depression/anxiety for for a similar time.

I find meaning in very little. I like Jess’ idea of accepting depression as a ‘given level(if this is close to what she means) but it hasn’t made it any easier to live in the moment for me.

[Little_Sparrow]

Hi Bob. Thanks for your post. A fellow traveller. I agree. Maryanne

[White_Rose]

Hello Bob and Maryanne

Welcome to the forum Bob. Thank you for your post.

It is not easy to accept life's little surprises. Jess said, it's when I gave up on the idea of shaking depression. It does not mean it can happen overnight. Sadly we tend to hang on to the memories and actions that have hurt or disappointed us. You do need to work hard at finding your acceptance place. It's the intention to say, and believe, that life will go on and you can make your life as pleasant as possible. (I hope that's right Jess).

Once you can do this with all your mind and emotions is when you can move forward. You will still need to take any depression medication you have been prescribed and that may be for the rest of your life. (Yes I know, I did not want to do this). Depression can be so overwhelming that it feels like you are lost in the jungle without being able to see the way out let alone travel that path.

This where your therapists come in. They will help you to accept what cannot be changed. And also help you to change those things you can. Bit of a convoluted sentence which I hope you understand.

I have been clinically depressed for many years for all sorts of reasons. Last time I saw my psych she told me I was no longer depressed. That may well be the case but I am easily triggered into going into the past and feeling that the whole story is starting again. I have been able to manage this kind of stuff more easily and I have high hopes that when something presses my buttons that I will be able to turn automatically, or something approaching that, to my coping options.

For me, accepting that life will trip me up at times reassures me. Sounds silly I know. I am in control of my life and can manage.

If you find you cannot accept your unwellness I suggest you don't struggle. Concentrate on your resilience, how well and how quickly you can bounce back. A bit like stubbing your toe which can be excruciating but only for a short time. When you stub your emotional toe with a sudden memory please remind yourself that it will hurt for a short time. Well either that or wear shoes that stop the pain before it starts.

Mary