Will these be the right thing and help ? depression and poss' bipolar .

[Guest_1584]

Hi all.

l can't go into anymore than this but my daughter 19 1/2 has serious depression and anxiety and they suspect mild bipolar. The poor thing had an absolute yr from hell last yr and all friendships she's grown up with and new ones are blown to bits - there's a lot more but she feels her reputation is completely blown - semi country area so you could imagine, add SM, She's been in a terrible way 3mths, mostly in bed , crying, completely down on herself. She's been to doctors and psych and when a bed comes they want to keep her in for awhile. Anyway , it's too hard to go further so please don't ask there's enough there. But there's a few things l'm wondering if they will help and are they a good idea,

Firstly , she racked up 1500 in fines, all way over due so they're probly a lot more now. l've had to sort out my own before and l know what a gruel it is to get pay offs and it all sorted. She's put it off for mths, she can't do anything let alone face those people and all the paper work and calls. So l'm thinking of paying them out and she can just pay me off, done. But is that good idea , or should she try at least to fix them herself ? But l don't even know how she could cope with that right now,

The next thing is , she wants to move away when she's well. Says she can't repair things here and doesn't even want to anyway with most of the so called friends. She certainly couldn't cope away right now but she's never been away or on her own and can't realize how hard and lonely too it will be, She has no one left and loneliness right now is just torturing her but at least she has us and her ex bf she's still friends with. But then l think , well a lot of us moved away late teens early 20s , l back packed round the country 12 mths at 19 totally alone. completely left where l grew up later too. Ex moved cities totally alone at 17 , started nursing . And as l was sayin the other day , not many actually go into adult with child hood friends anyway , most change into different directions.

We don't know, can't stop her if she does later , but would it be a solution , would she get well enough again to cope ?

Thanks for ant thoughts and advice , appreciated. rx

[Guest_1584]

Haaa thks em.

Don't worry l've had nightmares before about all your so many kids l'm not even gonna ask a number haha. But sadly she really is alone now , first time ever , don't ask just take my word for it but with her state right now , well.

Anyway thanks for those tips , l can see they'd be a nice way to go from her view right now and would really calm some waters . lt's been so hard to know how to approach the future or helping her out of this because she just isn't capable of anything right now. So yeah the fines were a huge achievement for her which took mths to pluck up even being able to deal with those , but she did it.

And thx too but tbh , we don;t feel like anything we've done is helping tbh , it's looked after her and keeping her safe though that's the first main thing but l'm afraid we haven't seen much of any advancements at all as yet in 4mths now sad to say. So l'm still scratching around for something anything and silver bullets.

Yeah we've both done mths of listening but l can feel adding in things you've said there would really be on the right track bc it's been hard to know just how to go about offering any help even with truck loads of reading and talking to the nurses. Naturally we've just about tried it all by now but what your saying is a really nice tweak l think will be right down the right track.

Ex is exhausted and l'm getting worried about her she's bearing more of it than me prayin she can hang in there but yeah we're both trying to look after ourselves too .

rx

[ecomama]

Hey rx, I'm really hearing you. It's hard, exhausting. The worry is out of this world.

One helpline trauma psych said to me (yes I've had a hotline to them over the past years) is that "this is not a race, it's a marathon for you".

I was suffering "secondary traumas" on repeat with what my girls were going through.
You may be too.

I want to express right now that yes, BOTH daughters are doing so well right now, brighter within themselves than I've seen them in years. They're even handling pretty major stressors so much better. But even within my own family each of the kids needed different types of support.

There are BROAD things that help everyone which I'll recap for you in a sec. (In case you want the recap OR others reading may get something out of them too).
I need reminders of these regularly myself! "Object permanence" and all.

Then there are specific things each person needs.
I know for sure these will come to you, your ex & your daughter over time.

For now she is safe.
Heck rx! THAT's an INCREDIBLE achievement for you all!! Phew huh?
Happy dance here!

BROAD helpers:
* YOUR self-care ramped up.
* daughter's self-care ramped up. KMart sells awesome, cheap self-care stuff for teen girls, scrubs, facial masks, all sorts. More ideas on the self-care thread here too! My daughters and I dragged ourselves out to get pedicures which makes one feel a million bucks.
* healthy foods and some treat like healthy foods too! We're into mangoes atm.
* movement. Not "exercise" blerghh but movement. All those freeing types of activities or FUN ones too!

I'm going to add "life".
- Getting an indoor plant for her bedroom, yah, that's me! A Sanseveria is perfect, research shows having one of these next to the bed helps in many ways.
- Having mini succulents on the kitchen window sills etc.
- a pet. Each of my daughters got a dog each but you don't have to go THAT big. We got rescue dogs. They sleep on their beds, always so happy to see my daughters and they LOVE them... never alone now.
- cooking new stuff, she may not join you immediately but this could happen pretty quickly.
Great easy recipes on the Recipe thread lol. I'm about to put up an Asian Style Pork Belly which is A-MAZING.

Lastly, an awesome book that helped me alot over the years is "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families". One habit is "Seek first to understand THEN be understood" - perfect for parents of teens.

EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hiya em and thanks again.

She did have a lot of plants around she's got some beautiful stuff of all sorts , one of these chicks that just has incredible tastes and a real knack for finding stuff. She;s got a studio here too and a sort of setup over at her mums as well but nothings getting much love right now , it's all there though when hopefully she's feeling better. Pets would help yeah for sure but she planned on traveling before this happened soooo , no pets atm

But yeah she is at least sleeping and eating and dressing nicely , not cooking much , she's veggo , but when my gf's here she feeds her up d loves it , afraid l'm not exactly gifted in the kitchen myself but eh , do her good to get out there and do some cooking anyway.

She use to walk 30k , yep you read right 30, atm though we're lucky to get her out the gate but that should pass in time.

Thanks very much em. rx

[ecomama]

Rx she's doing SO well considering how things were before for her.

The online social media stuff and how quickly relationships can turn over a nothing, is quite bewildering for young ppl (or even older ppl) who don't know how to turn it OFF and detach from all that rot.

Having ALL those things you mentioned going for her ie health, healthy food focus, creativity, growing things, IDK rx but I think she's going to soar over time. She has TWO (3 if you count gf) very supportive parents showing dedication and commitment to her.

I think you've all been great role models for her and instilled LOTS of healthy Values. She may plateau for a while, and even slip back at times, but I can't see any way but forwards and UPwards for her.

You've ALL done so well.

Hugs
EM

[Guest_1584]

Ahh em , so nice of you to say but man. She's up a little bit lately it's trying to break though but then it's gone it's as scary as hell but at least the ups are popping in an out a little which we pray is the beginning. Prayin the shear boredom alone of being this way , knowing her , will help too.

God your not wrong about that damn sm, l really dunno , that side of things l knew, l've known 9yrs it was coming , tried everything to keep it at bay so did ex , butttt. what can ya say eh.

She drew a few little things the other day , been so long god it was so nice to see, she looked in the studio too but then walked out again , l understand , but again we're hopeful .

l just don't know em but,,,, thanks so much for the help and kind words anyway. rx

[ecomama]

I hear you rx, indeed we don't know, no one knows what the future holds but I know how scary it is to see them "slip" so fast.

About 5y ago I had one son in particular who slipped so deep and showed extreme trauma responses. (I'd been away and came back to horror).

I literally didn't know what to do. He was around 14yo.
I took leave with no end date, and literally treated him as I would an Infant.
He couldn't get out of bed to do anything.
I nursed him like a baby when he cried, swaddled him tightly into bed at night. Took all his meals into him in bed. Washed his head with a face washer. So much more.

I thought it would never end, I was terrified.
It was four long months before I saw the beginnings of a spark of light come into his eyes.

Later on I attended a course on trauma. I can't believe that instinctively I did everything right (according to Research).

This year he left home! He now lives 6h away, enrolled in a Private School to complete Year 12. Paying all fees himself, then when they saw his work they offered him a part Scholarship 2/3 fees covered (they want HIS HSC Marks badly lol!). Working PT etc.

It's SO CRAZY!

My Counsellor said years ago (in relation to another child) "be persistently and consistently YOURSELF".

YOU are ENOUGH.

YOUR daughter IS ENOUGH.

The bombardment of social media is crushing our youth.
They spend far more time on there than IN REAL LIFE.

It's the REAL LIFE stuff that feels empty bec of sm. But everything on there is bs.

That Covey book for Families can really give so much structure to a family Unit, especially when we don't know what to do.

There's NO magic shield for us to have around our kids, but through Covey's teaching we can learn how to communicate with our teens & adult children whilst growing a really beautiful relationship of mutual respect.

It's difficult to strike a balance between NOT pushing them too hard (I don't push at all lol) and having certain set expectations (I expect my kids to KNOW their paths, make decisions for themselves and follow it).
I use a "strengths based" approach to parenting, even when they're adults.

Hugs
EM

[Guest_1584]

God almighty eh , what a gem of a man and look at him now hey, and what a gem of a mum too.

But yeah , hear ya back , ex is actually a bit pushy l've been trying to tone her back for mths now but she's much better now thk god , d just wasn't up to that. But at the same just l wasn't sure myself anyway maybe it's better until l found some write ups on that exact aspect and sent them to ex. lt explained all the sorts of things your talking about so thank god l dug them up at the time.

Tbh em , l don't even think she is bp and even if she is it must be very very mild , she's always been one of the most stable and steadiest people l ever knew. l think it was all just a perfect storm of a whole lotta big big crap for her just turned into a yr of total disasters all hit the skids from there and thrown her into deep depression. l dunno , ex seems convinced though and it was the diagnoses but eh , they can be wrong. lt was a very complex accumulative scenario though and over 12mths , l know they;d use tests and whathaveyou buttttt, l'm not convinced and neither is d - although l guess many would be in denial but l don't think that's it.

Well she's on depression meds but so l'm worried about the bp meds side of things. l think mild depression meds would get her over the line with everything that happened it's all such a time and healing thing , yaknow. Butttt, l might be wrong .

rx

[Guest_4643]

Hey randomx, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

[Guest_1584]

Heya mb , how you goin. That is really nice of ya , means a lot to me thanks mb really does.

Thanks for that. rx

[Guest_1584]

We're crazy with worry. She's having time with the ex bf . but we think he brought all this on. B4 him she was just a partying 19yr old going a bit too off. Moved in with him and this is the result . Theyre still friends though and she still stays over his and he'll try to get her back and she hasn't told him about ANY , of what she's going through now. nothing, nada .

lt's that bloody scary and not a thing we can do about it. She's missed all her MH appointments and all their calls and won't be taking her meds staying at his , just to top it of . And we're both only getting a few word replies if any at all. Can l start cursing now or is that not allowed . rex