Will do anything for others, but can't help myself

[sammy23]

This is only the second step I have taken in seeking advise/help in the past 5 years. I'm the first to extend a hand, offer a shoulder or bend over backwards for my family. I can just never take my own advice or open up about the issues which are eating me alive. Everyday I read the news and hear of the horrible things people are going through, always makes me realise how superficial and insignificant my issues are and I push them aside and tell myself I should just be grateful for what I have. I put on such a front to my family, they must think everything is peachy in my life, but really it is lonely and dark.

I am only 29 but think it would just be easier to call it quits and hope there is a next life so I can give it a better go, how pathetic is that! I have no drive to take charge and even if I did I would have no idea how to start. I think my issues all stemmed from financial issues that started about 7 years ago (wow, that's a long time - how have I not got myself sorted in that amount of time)?!

I remember the first time I picked up the phone 7 years ago and flipped through the phone book to see a Psychologist, I booked an appointment, then found out how much it was going to cost so I called to cancel.  I haven't picked the phone up again since.

I got myself into a situation all those years ago and instead of asking my family (who I know would have done anything for me) for help I dug myself deeper into financial trouble. I have left myself with a bad credit rating, can't even get a phone plan! Even typing this I'm telling myself how pathetic I am - sort yourself out and get on with it! I just don't know how. It seems like the path ahead is just too steep and I won't be able to push on. I feel like such a disappointment and I'm so embarrassed for getting myself in this situation.

 I know so many people have bigger more serious issues, but this is my issue in my life right now and the effect it has on me is huge.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation - I need to start putting one foot in front of the other to get myself sorted and start planning a future

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[AGrace]

Hi Sammy,

Welcome to the forums. I'm so pleased you decided to take this 2nd step. I hope here you'll get the support and advice you need.

I wanted to start by suggesting you head back to your Dr and get both a referral to a Psychologist and a mental health plan. The plan will entitle you to 10 free sessions with the Psychologist. This can then be reviewed after your 10 sessions. There's no need to deny yourself the opportunity to get professional help because of financial circumstances. 

Secondly, it's very common for people with a mental illness to find it easier to help others than themselves. When we're feeling really low we don't feel worthy of help, and we also find it difficult to put our advice into practice.  The Psychologist will be able to assist you with some coping strategies. 

Are you taking any medication? Your GP may decide this would be useful at the moment, especially given your thoughts of quitting. On this point wouldn't it be more worthwhile to get your life on track than to hope there's an afterlife? 29 is not old, you have so much to live for, but because you're in a dark place it's hard to see that things can get better. 

Your situation is no less important than the next persons. I find it more useful to compare yourself with how you were 3,6,12 months ago. Soon, and with some support, you will begin to notice improvement. 

Regarding your financial situation, are you working at the moment? Is it too late to ask your family for assistance? Finance can be a huge problem for a lot of people, and can cause a great deal of stress. When I got myself in a jeopardising situation a while back I discovered 2 things: 1 . Make regular contact with the people you have debts with, and 2. Prioritise what debts need to be paid 1st. Even if you cant make at least the minimum payment, pay as much as you can afford. 

Your credit rating is cleared after 7 years, so trust me, this is not the end of the world. 

I agree 1 foot in front of the other, but plan right now before you start to plan for the future. 

I also wonder what sort of fun/enjoyable activities you schedule in your weeks? It's important to make sure you are participating in pleasurable activities and not just work or rest. How are you finding sleep? Are you exercising? 

I hope this is some food for thought. We look forward to hearing more from you. 

AGrace

[Ellmo]

AGrace has given you excellent advice, Sammy.

I'm almost 29 too, so being so young and feeling like giving up was something I could relate to when reading your post.

I also agreed with AGrace when she mentioned that we don't feel worthy of help when we're feeling so low. This was evident to me today, when a colleague saw that I was struggling and as soon as she confronted me about seeing our work psych for a chat, I broke down. She marched me off to the drs to get med. certs for time off work and I've been put on a mental health plan as I'm just not managing. This is also what AGrace mentioned, as I too have picked up the phone in the past and cancelled appointments because of fees. It is definitely worth doing via your doctor.

Just on that note: If you don't have a sympathetic doctor, then make that a priority. When I brought my mental health issue to my regular doctor he wasn't very interested or sympathetic, so I recently changed for the better.

Planning for the future is hard at our age! So many people around us are well on their way and we can feel like we're missing out or not where we're 'supposed' to be. At leas that's how I feel most of the time. All of my friends are married with babies/toddlers; my husband is so keen to start a family (as am I), but I'm 12 months into my uni degree and we cannot afford for me to stop work entirely in order to smash my degree, so that we can have a family sooner.

I'm also not the kind of person who could juggle motherhood and study (if I were to fall pregnant and go on maternity leave). I know I would be too stressed/depressed and unhappy. I want to stop and enjoy motherhood! But also have good job prospects (by gaining my degree) for when I return to work after birth. 

I will feel like a failure if I quit uni as it took me 10 years to get the courage to begin in the first place due to my anxiety issues- and I know I won't return if I defer (and even if I defer for a time, I will still be juggling a toddler and work!) So I am stuck, feeling unhappy about the future also.

I hope, by sharing some of my (ridiculous!) internal struggles, it has made you feel less alone, as there's nothing worse than that feeling 😞

Good luck and please see your sympathetic doctor for a referral ASAP. I'm so glad my colleague bossed me into the Drs today (I wasn't at the time!)

Take care

[Conflicted_PJ]

Hi Sammy,

That is great advice from AGrace both on the mental health plan and financial issues.

Relating to your struggle, I was very similar put up a front as the happy jovial guy so nobody would look too hard and ask if I was OK.

I got into some small trouble with drugs and as a result I was forced to tell my parents what was going on in my head. Best thing that could have happened. First response from my Mum was "Oh, your uncle and Grandad had depression"
I never knew! Nobody talked about it in our family but it is really common.

Think of somebody that you know cares about you and can be trusted. Reach out to them. Send a text or email if talking is too hard. I can promise you having been there it is not as scary as you imagine!

At 29 you are still young enough to get back on track, dont let this thing rob you of the best life you could have.

Best of luck - let us know how you get on.