Wife feeling scared and alone

[Plshelp]

Imt scared and feeling very alone right now and I don't really have anyone I feel I can turn to right now to talk with. My husband has already been diagnosed with depression and anxiety as well as having Asperger's. Last night he told me that he feels like he's having a midlife crisis, and that his depression is worse than ever. He's had thoughts of self harm but not acted on them. He said he's also developed a crush on a work friend who I think he sees as both an exciting new relationship, not necessarily romantic, and also as a motherly figure since he didn't really have a loving mother growing up. He said his head is all messed up and doesn't know how he feels right now. He's also just started going to the gym regularly in an aim to improve his health, but he always feels depressed after working out. He feels like the chemicals in his head are all messed up and causing him to feel worse. I love him and want to support him and get him help but he's said he not really yet and I am feeling scared for him and also our relationship. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen from posting this but I guess I just wanted to put my situation out there and see what happens. 

[indigo22]

Hello,

Welcome and thank you for deciding to reach out to us.

It sounds like a confusing time for you at present and I'm sorry to hear you don't have the support you need.

This is a very safe and non judgemental community, so please feel free to talk about things whenever you feel the need. It's always best to continue your discussion in the same place, then the community can see what has been suggested already without looking through separate posts. Just reply to this post and I will get a notification and get back to you as soon as able.

I need to ask a few questions, I hope that's ok.

You have said your husband has been diagnosed:

Is he getting support from medication and psychologist or other therapist?

If he is on medication, it sounds like the medication may not be quite right. I am surprised to hear that he feels depressed after exercise, usually it has more of a positive effect. It certainly could not hurt to have his medication revised (if he is on any). If he is not on any medication, this may be what is needed at present.

Are you getting any support from therapy yourself?

As his support person, you need to look after your own mental health as well. It is so easy to begin to lose sight of yourself and your own needs in this situation.

Please let me know a little more so I can give you some suggestions and support you further.

You don't need to feel alone and scared anymore, we will be here for you.

indigo

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at this time of your life and your husband's life, a time that sounds incredibly challenging in so many ways.

While everyone's experience with autism will differ in many ways, some experiences can be relatable. I'm wondering whether your husband's able to relate to others who share similar challenges to him (being on the spectrum, experiencing anxiety and depression). The reason I wonder is based on how sometimes it can come as some relief to hear we're not alone in the way we think, feel and experience life. It's a very different feeling compared to feeling like 'the odd one out' of everyone we know or like there's something 'wrong' with us compared to everyone else.

'Who am I (from a mental, physical/chemical and natural perspective)? Where do I fit in? Why do I feel or not feel in the ways I do? Why do I suffer so much? Why can't I work out what makes me happy?' and the list that relates to the quest for greater self understanding continues with some seriously challenging and sometimes depressing questions on occasion. Not knowing any of the answers that relate to who we are can feel like an identity crisis. Not knowing any of the answers after having lived for more than 4 decades or so, can feel like an midlife identity crisis, with the ultimate question sometimes being 'What's wrong with me?' and/or 'Why, after all this time, have I still not worked myself out?'. 

While my 19yo son was diagnosed as being on the high functioning end of the spectrum just a couple of years back, there's been a heck of a lot of wondering done between then and now, in regard to how he naturally ticks. We tend to wonder a lot together and have hit on some amazing and fascinating revelations in the process. One of the things I've led him to wonder about is why he feels absolutely zero joy after having gone to the gym on occasion. He wondered and wondered and reached the conclusion that unless he feels some pain after a workout, he feels nothing, which can be a let down. For some people, pain acts as a stimulant (relating to the release of endorphins). Maybe your husband comes away having not felt any chemistry or natural high.

Sometimes I think that unless we've got someone wondering with us, as to why we're struggling or why we're feeling something anxiety inducing or depressing going on, we're left wondering alone. And that, in itself, can feel depressing. Perhaps the motherly figure at work is not just good for dopamine production (natural highs) but good for the soul too.

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

Firstly, thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. It takes courage and strength to open up in a space like this. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It’s completely understandable that you’re overwhelmed right now, when you are trying to carry the weight of your husband’s struggles while also navigating your own emotions about the situation.

From your post... it is clear you deeply love your partner, even in the face of uncertainty and pain. I also want you to know that your well-being also matters. You deserve support, care, and a safe space to talk things through,

Even if your partner is not ready to get "help", you might be able to get some support for yourself - speaking with a counsellor, or perhaps  a local support group for partners of those dealing with mental health challenges. I am not sure of the names of any, but ...

Listening if you want to chat some more.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Great replies here so I wont repeat the said advice.

I will mention that I've been told I'm likely on the spectrum and at 69yo I'm not interested in a official diagnosis but my therapist did recommend a great book called - "the complete guide to Aspergers syndrome" by Tony Attwood.  My wife read it to me (I've done little reading in my life as cant focus long enough. I also have bipolar.

We read about myself in that book.

I found personally I had to find my niche in life where I am very comfortable in all ways like employment, hobbies, variety, relationships. I was forcibly retired at 57yo, am now 69. Employment isnt easy with some mental health issues and it could be that he might not be able to maintain full time work. I loved my job and my small business and worked alone but still had to maintain communicating with business people that were ruthless. All facets of my life I had to review to find stability.

But I'm concerned with his fascination with this lady at his workplace. I'm glad he's conveying it to you but I'm worried that his comments like "mother figure" might be a deflection as to his attraction as could be "not a romantic one". So I do understand that his illnesses can send him all over the place with emotions and the like but when it drifts towards his marriage there is some serious issues to investigate so a couples counsellor might help you unravel his feelings that will put you at ease or justify more clarification there.

A medication review as Indigo suggested is a necessity imo.

Repost anytime, we are here for you.

TonyWK

[Plshelp]

Hello Indigo

Thank you for replying, I wasn't feeling like anyone would when I made the post.  

Both my husband and myself have been diagnosed with anxiety(me) and depression(hubby) by our GP.  Myself being on and off over the last few years and my hubby consistantly on medication for the last 12 or so years.  We are both on medication and my husband is on the max prescription dosage.  At present neither of us are seeing a therapist, but I am considering going to my GP and asking for a referral so I can speak to someone, who is not my husband, and have my own outlet for my emotions and thoughts.

At the time I made the post I was very emotional and my mind was in the mindset that my marriage was ending.  Hubby and I have since talked more about things and he's reassured me that we are not breaking up but that he needs space to deal with his own mental health right now.  I have since done alot of reading online about mental health and being both a carer for someone and also being someone with mental health matters.  I have done some self reflection and have realised that I have become very emotionally dependent on my husband over the years.  He has also said the same thing and feels that my not having any friends of my own that I can talk to, that I am missing out on something.  

When we were talking he said that because I have such a strong emotional dependency on him that he feels more comfortable talking to this female friend/coworker, rather than me right now, as she also has a hubby and son who are also both on the spectrum.  Reflecting on this, I now am wondering if this is why he feels more comfortable talking with her because they can both share and relate.   I know he is also under pressure dealing with work and that alot of ppl talk to him daily both by chat and vid calls.  With him being on the asperger's spectrum I know this is not easy for him and is very taxing on him.  I can see now that my dependency on him so much has pushed him to his limit so to speak.

He has also mentioned that he feels that his testosterone levels are changing since we started going to the gym and that its messing with his head in addition to everything going on.  We are both overweight, and are trying to improve our health and supporting each other by going to the gym together.  Hubby has previously been overweight and lost 60kgs in his past but has put it all back on again and he says the reason he feel depressed after exercise is because he has let himself go and has to do it all again.

Actually while I've been typing this and self reflecting, I realise that I have let alot of my own anxieties and fears resurface and are impacting my husband who is already overwhelmed with his own issues.  I have been on medication in the past and seen a therapist in the past for anxiety, depression, insecurities.  I can see now that I have become more and more emotionally dependant on my hubby over the years to be both hubby and therapist to me which in my mind has become my normal.  Which I know is not fair on him and had led to this situation happening.

[indigo22]

Hello Plshelp,

I'm sorry for the delay in replying to you.

I am impressed with the level of self awareness you have, self reflection is a such a helpful tool in understanding ourselves and our circumstances.

I think that seeing your GP (both you and your hubby) for a revision of medication would be wise at this point. Even though your husband is on a high level, sometimes things change (like hormone levels you mentioned) that can mean the medication needs to be revised in some way.

Your husband seems to be very honest and open with you, that is a wonderful trait. So perhaps after your self reflection can you try to see him as your best friend and work on getting more support from other sources for yourself. Then you can just enjoy each others company going for walks and other activities without having the need to talk about what is troubling both of you.

The helplines are a great resource when you are struggling and can also point you to other resources in your area to help you feel supported.

There is also the inclusion of particular foods in your diet that can help with brain function. Can I suggest you do some research on Brain Foods, some of them you may already be eating but there are likely more that you can add to your daily meals that will help both of you. Exercise is great, but without the support of a good diet, the benefits can be less valuable and energy levels become depleted more quickly. When I say a good diet, I am not referring to a weight loss program or Keto diet, Paleo Diet or any other named diet. I am referring to the consumption of good quality foods that help your body run efficiently, that can be different for everyone which is why most diets don't work. You just need to work out what works for you and stick with what works. I am not for a moment suggesting that what I am about to say is what you should do because it is a personal choice, but I decided to become a vegan 5 years ago. Without changing anything else, I lost 10kgs in my first year and have never put it back on. I mention this only as something to consider.

I will be around any time you want to talk about things.

In the meantime, take good care of yourselves.

indigo

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry you're going through this — it sounds incredibly heavy and overwhelming. Reaching out like this is a brave step. 

It’s clear you care deeply about your husband, but please remember to take care of yourself too.

I wonder if there one anyone who you have been or are able to talk to? Family or friends you trust? And perhaps if none of those options are OK with you then professional help is perfectly OK.  For myself, having someone you can talk through your thoughts with can be helpful.

My final thought/question is the hard conversation with your husband... perhaps what he is looking for form you? the person from work? And to speak from your perspective, how much you care,  and want to support him, etc. Now you or he might not be ready either. But that is OK also.

Hope some of this helps. Listening...