Why Depression a taboo!

[Valar_Morghulis]

Hi everyone,

It's been months that I'm going through depression and anxiety. It first happened to me few years back.
Somehow fought it and came out of it slowly. But it came back with more power.
Every time when I go through this phase I isolate from everything that I love, isolate me from friends.
Because its the experiences I had made me like this. So the inner me doesn't wanna face that again.
For me, the hardest part of depression is accepting that I'm going through depression and I can't work or act like normal days.
Because I grew up in a world where the word 'depression' 'anxiety' is something people doesn't want to talk about.
Sometimes I accept I'm having depression and I will get out of this one day and be more strong. And not everyone is lucky enough to go through this. One positive thing I could get from this phase I can totally relate to what another person facing depression is going through.

Here I am trying the find one single positive thing desperately and people around me laughing at me.
I know its hard to understand what I'm going through. But can you at least stop judging something you don't know?
When I took the courage to accept my mental state, I have people around me calling me liar and someone who is seeking attention.
I shut down myself from everything and I was isolating myself from everything and what I got is 'LIAR'.

And I'm starting to doubting myself whether I made all this up. No, I didn't. I do have some traumatic events in my life. Maybe it's silly for others, But I couldn't take it. Because I always wished a simple world where I can feel secure, I can be myself. No there is no such world!

I'm hoping for a world where Depression is not a taboo. And someone won't laugh at me when I tell them I'm going through depression!

I have been seeing nightmares. But these days the biggest nightmare is the friend who laughed at me when I said him I'm having depression and people calling me a liar.

Can someone give me a break? I'm not able to solve my real problem in the midst of these!!

Best

Black Sheep

[white knight]

Hi welcome

This is a common issue discussed here.

I have selected some threads that might help. Please google them and read the first post of each

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival part 2

Beyondblue topic so what are their mental illnesses?

Id be very interested in your thoughts

TonyWK

[smallwolf]

Hi Valar,

welcome to beyond blue.

If you go into a room and look at all the people, you probably won't be able to tell who has had some mental illness and who has not - you cannot see inside the person and what they are thinking and feeling. Until you actually talk to them you won't really know. Such has been my experience - it was only when I started to talk about depression that I might get stories from them. Having said that, there are also people who have asked "why do you worry so much?!?" or "don't take things so personally". So I get your frustration. There are some that don't believe in it until something happens that changes their opinion.

Here nobody will laugh at you or judge you. You will be accepted as you are. Nor will we call you a liar. I hope you will come back and tell something of your story here. Or perhaps you will find other areas of the forums helpful - threads on grounding and mindfulness or the social section. All of us want the same thing as you, and here is a place where we are allowed to be our real selves.

Listening to you,

Tim

[Valar_Morghulis]

Hi white knight,

Thanks for replying to my post. I did go through the posts you have mentioned.
I can really connect to what you have said.
I really hope for the day where mental illness stigma is broken.
I'm worried about this stigma in society than what I'm going through now.
I'm not ashamed of what I have. It's just a phase or part of me.
But the society I live in is not letting me pass this phase.
I also build a fortress to take care of myself and also others from what I'm facing.
I started calling myself a coward for building that fortress.
I was frightened whether I will overreact for silly issues or show the mood switches to the people around me. That's when I started isolating from everything.
I felt no one is able to understand me. So I stopped talking.

Like you said to reach out to the right people. Otherwise, have to endure so many negative thoughts and talks.
That's what I'm facing right now. In the middle of sorting my issue, I have to face this damn stigma also which is so much frustrating!


Thanks

Black Sheep

[Valar_Morghulis]

Hi small wolf,

Thank you for responding to my post. You are right. We cannot see inside a person.
But how many people will accept they are going through this. In my case, I wanted to talk about it always, but because of the stigma and also I felt no one is able to understand even a single word I'm talking about.
Even when I tried to open up to my big sister that I'm ill and not able to work or act like normal days.
The response I got is just that I'm lazy and I'm trying to find reasons to give up.
I'm a person who really really don't wanna give up and wanted to make a change.
But in the end, what I got was bullying.

I was and I am always frustrated by sexual abuse against women. And when I talk about this everyone is telling it's normal and I'm overreacting. It's not normal for me If someone gets into my private space.

I'm happy to find a place where I can talk freely. I will start sharing my experiences.
And every day I'm thinking about how I can break this stigma. I feel like there are so many people out there struggling because mental illness considered taboo.

I started taking small steps. I was on leave for days at work because of this mood switches. I knew I won't be able to work normally. And one of my colleagues asked me why I was on leave whether it was any fever or something. I just said from nowhere its not fever, its mental health issues. I don't know I felt good to say that. He was shocked at first and I felt bad for that later for putting him in an awkward position.
But he is a nice person and he told me don't worry everyone is here for you.
Even though it's not true in the world of stigmas, I felt happy for his nice gesture.

I have so much to talk about. Another frustrating factor is when I act normal for some situations people started talking like its because I'm mad.

Can someone be happy at a place where there is so much shouting and yelling every day. When I talked about it, the response I got is it is normal and people do that because they love. And I'm overreacting.

I was sad and frustrated when I showed my mood switches or get angry at someone. And here they are telling it's normal.
Everything is so confusing. I don't understand this world.
And all these incidents I started asking my own integrity!

A change is inevitable!


Thanks

Black sheep

[smallwolf]

Hi Black Sheep,

In response to "I felt no one is able to understand me. So I stopped talking." - I feel the same, sometimes it is easier not to talk than looking foolish...

When you react to the situations it is natural based on your experiences - whatever they might be. That is something my psychiatrist said to me. However, I have this battle between my head and heart where I know that something "should" not provoke such a reaction but it does. It sounds like you are attuned with your feelings and all you want to do is level out the highs and lows a little so that your reactions might be milder, and you then might be like "everyone else". I was/am a people pleaser which has pros and cons. I described my brother as self-centered - yet there are pros and cons in being that was also. Be as you are and over time you might find ways of dealing with stressful situations? (Do you get professional help?)

You are worthy as you are, and I would say that you were courageous to tell your co-worker about why you had a few days off. Not everyone can honestly about themselves. Because the topic is taboo the shocked reaction might have been because they did not really know how to respond. You could also look at this as a possibility to talk to him about feeling awkward telling him as that was not your intention as a opening to telling them what you might go through. I had a chat with my barber about mental health - all it took was a question "how are you?" and then me replying "that depends on what answer you want". You may or may not be ready for such conversations. I should point out that in your post there was a positive in how your co-worker said that everyone was there to support you.

Tim

[white knight]

Hi,

I'm glad you can relate to my threads and also to Tim's account of keeping silent, something I do also when depressed.

Can I suggest that according to many positive thinking motivators we humans can find positives in nearly everything we do if we look for it hard enough.

Ever heard of someone say (post a funeral) "oh well, he is not in pain anymore"?

Well there are positives in mental illness too, albeit elusive.

Adventurers and explorers likely had ADHD or manic modes that pushed their ships around the world making discoveries. Artists, sculptors, poets, actors and writers often have mental illness (Van Gogh?). In fact I'm a poet and love doing my work that I can only create while in a depressive bipolar cycle, a special place that I go mentally to write. I have over 300 poems now, some are in poets corner in this forum.

Do you have any creative part of you?

This creative side of some of us can make us feel unique as opposed to ordinary people that can be seen as bland. Apart from poetry I've built a train using my ride on mower, cubby houses with attic windows and two caravans from scratch. Frankly I love this side of me, draw a plan, buy the materials and presto 6 months later towing our van around the country with a vintage car of course.

So this stigma, as you describe it wont likely stop in our lifetime, maybe by the end of the century but it is improving. Theefore worry is not productive.

Google

Beyondblue topic worry worry worry

Regards and thanks for a great topic

TonyWK

[Valar_Morghulis]

Hi,

Thanks for responding.
I'm getting professional help. I'm suffering from PTSD and anxiety issues.
And in that stage, I hate everything around me. I have so much anger in me.
All these years I'm not able to understand this world where sexual violence, abuse, bullying are considered as something normal. And the people react to this is overreacting and abnormal.
I worry about this disturbing fact where bad things and hurting someone are accepted as normal!!!!.

Sometimes when I go in this depression stage, I feel like I have more clarity and express my feelings better.
I never thought I can write about what I feel. I always considered myself as a bad writer. But writing is helping me these days.
But there are days where I get lost and mess up things also. There are days where I can't even identify my feelings whether its anger, sadness. So it's so confusing.
And I always wanted me to be strong in every situation. I tried my best and I never have seen me as a crying person before. But these days I cry all of sudden sometimes with reason sometimes even without reasons.

I'm going through a stage that is confusing and disturbing for me. And in that stage, I have to bear the people who judges something they don't understand. Yes, I can't stop what others doings.
But cut me some slack and leave me alone!!

Thanks

Black Sheep

[white knight]

Hi Black Sheep

I'm really glad you have kept up with your replies here on this tough topic because I have been where you are now. At 21yo I took off on my motorcycle and decided to reject society and live in the bush, hunting for food and avoiding people and the cruel world. I'd spent 3 years in the Airforce by then. Then I found I couldn't survive there, no shelter, no food, no answer to my problems. I returned to the city and became a prison officer where indeed, I saw even a worse side of life.

3 years later my brother died by suicide. Depressed, I left the jail job and hit the bush again and again and again each time I'd survive less than a week. I was emotionally lost and couldn't cope with people and their cruelty. The last time I went bush I had a more logical think about things. I realised that most of my cousins and uncles etc were country people on farms and I used to love the farming life in school holidays. Maybe city life in the fast lane wasnt for me?

So at 29yo I bought a block of land in the country and my new wife and I had a house built, a humble little cottage. That move was one of the most significant moves in my whole life, I never returned to live in the city. Also I insulated myself from what harmed me like the news, toxic people and personal things like avoiding high debts. I did things that cost no money like watching sunsets, climbing hills and carefully choosing my company.

I soon learned that it was best to draw from society for ones needs like food, services and supplies. But also not to involve myself with community projects, clubs and groups as they become toxic to me. Sooner or later Mr or Mrs nasty comes along that likes playing politics and wants to hurt you emotionally. Avoiding that is a significant step.

Once I matured more I began to accept that life wasnt as I saw it when I was a teenager. Life sadly does include wars, religious clashes, crime, cruelty, harassment and manipulation to name a few. So as you cannot ever change that- what is the use of getting angry about it? Anger is like worry- it is totally non productive.

Finally, hobbies and sports (even as a spectator) will find you ploughing yourself into those activities and when you do you will change your focus, it's called distraction.

Try it. Find interests you enjoy and see if your mind moves on from negativity.

TonyWK

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[Valar_Morghulis]

Hi white knight,

Thank you so much for your response.

And I really respect you to share your personal story with me here.

Your 20's, I can really connect it to me. Because I'm in my 20's now and in a state where not able to digest all the happenings around me.

I'm not at all perfect. But I really hope for the better and try to give my best. I really wish to go to the forest and start my life there. But on the other side I feel I have so many responsibilities. My loving Mom, and I wanna take care of her in the middle of all this chaos happening in my head.

I also got involved in community projects. There is so much politics in some of them like you said which are disturbing. But I have seen good people out there also.

And there is a phase I don't know where should I put my trust, what is the truth and I got strangled in between all these. I started questioning everything. And all these questions were abnormal to others.
And I couldn't understand why others can't see or hear what I'm seeing or listening to.

And I found myself as an outlier and all lost. I always wished to make some smiles and give back to society something. This is what kept me going forward. That was the dream of a teenage girl. feel like even that's not in me anymore.

How can I help others if I'm lost? Like someone said If I'm suffocating, how can I help others in putting the breathing mask.

I feel like there is no way out of this. One way is accepting these and understands I can't change this.
But I don't think I can do it. Then I'm a coward. Yea I can't change everything, but I at least something.
And that fight is hard always. And I'm all lost in this fight now.

Thanks

Black sheep