Why am I so unlikeable?

[Rosie]

Just got home from hospital because of my mental health.  Lifeline, 000 and the paramedics were so kind and caring.  Then the mental health doctor arrived and he was so arrogant that I just felt like I was a nuisance and a burden to the hospital.  He said "what do you want me to do".  I said I didn't know and maybe I should go home.  He replied "fine, I'll walk you to the door".  I was suicidal and that was the last thing he said to me.  I am NEVER going to go to another doctor again.

I try to be normal and I even tried answering a few BB posts in a positive way, like the way the "community champions" do but I was pathetic.  I have nothing to give as I have very little life experience even at 63.  A fat, ugly old spinster that the neighbourhood bullies make fun of.

I'm so tired!

Rosie 😪

[Earth Girl]

Hi Rosie,

Aw, thank you! That means a lot.

It's complicated with my family because in some ways they are actually very supportive, it's just when it comes to emotional or social support or trying to help me learn how to do things that my parents don't seem to take very seriously. My parents don't make any attempt to get to know me, especially my Dad and they don't want to talk to me. That is true that it would be hard to hear about someones downs a lot, but it feels like they don't want to hear about them at all even though I try to help my Mum when she's telling me about something that happened even if it's over something silly like a minor argument that she had with someone at a table tennis game, but when I tell her that I'm getting bullied for example, she almost always just says "Okay" or "Yeah" and nothing else or she'll even laugh about the bullying and my Dad just tells me to deal with it basically. I don't bring it up everyday, I just bring it up sometimes when it's really getting to me and I can't handle it anymore, but they couldn't care less.

I'm sorry you can't talk to your family at all. I can talk to my sisters a little bit at least, though my younger sister mostly shuts me out. I think being very lonely can make people self obsessed.

Yeah, it can be really hard to know what to say when replying to people, but like you said, it always makes people feel good when you reply to them so even if you are not sure what advice to give, even just replying to people is good and I think we all like having discussions with people on here too, especially since we don't get to do that a lot in real life.

That is very true that it would be impossible for them to know what it's like to have psychosis since they probably haven't had it themselves, but they were acting like they were so much better than me and were making fun of me. They also made it as obvious as they could that they didn't like me. Yeah, it was more like they were bullying me rather than actually want to care for me.

I agree that the champion users seem to have a background in psychology.

It's amazing to me that your neighborhood bullies are that old. I thought they would have been 30 at the very oldest because it's hard to imagine people acting that poorly, especially at those ages. I'm sorry you have to deal with them.

I'm doing okay at the moment, thanks Rosie. 🙂 ❤️

[Rosie]

Hi Eagle Ray

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. “Pump up your own tyres, no one else is going to do it for you”, I haven’t heard that one before. I usually get “smile, it might never happen”. Honestly, how do they know you haven’t just lost a love one or been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer or as in your cas, just narrowly missed ending my life. My personal view is more basic, that they are just insensitive people, the type that chat away loudly in the quiet carriage of the train. The ring-leader of my neighbourhood torturers once came up to me and said, “Christ luv, you’ve stacked it on”. That’s probably why we have mental health issues because we are so sensitive to what people say to us. It’s just takes one of those insensitive comments that can finally tip a person over. I’m glad you didn’t go ahead with your plans and that you are safe in what sounds like a lovely little house close to nature – I’m exactly the same. I love watching nature, especially the bird life and the bees.

I will never be able to afford a psychologist until I am on the pension, even if they accept Medicare rebates. Anyway, I have also more or less rebalanced but suspect nearly anything can set me off again. I have now put the Suicide Callback Service into my mobile so thank you for that. I think I would have saved myself a lot of disappointment, and also money, as I wasn’t even thinking about the cost of an ambulance. My gut feeling about that doctor was that he was not interested in me. I can’t believe how some caregivers talk to a person who is suicidal. When I just couldn't cope anymore, there was a silence of about two minutes. I felt very uncomfortable because he kept doing that. I was very drained and frightened as it was the first time in an ambulance and going to a hospital. He should have used gentle, coaxing words and perhaps brought me some water to make me feel comfortable enough to open up. It was like he was repulsed by this 63 old woman in front of him. When he “showed me the door” I had to walk home to an empty house. I know everyone says that the mental health service is unfunded but when you’re in that state you aren’t exactly thinking about that. You just want someone to take control. I’ll never forget it! In future I’ll ring the Suicide Callback Service.

Have you read Sara Maitland’s book called “A book of silence”. She is a hermit who moved to a remote part of Scotland. She realised it was unrealistic to be 100% hermit so she now lives by the 80% (hermit) and 20% (being with people) way of living. She also explores the world of other hermits throughout history. Very interesting book.

I hope you are okay and having a lovely weekend.

Warmest regards

Rosie x

💜🩵

[Rosie]

Hi Earth Girl

I know what you mean with family, my sister would always respond:  "I just don't know how to help you, good luck".  I guess like everyone we just want to be heard.

Glad you're okay.  Have a great weekend.

Take care 

Rosie x

💜🩵

[x__]

I've heard "I just don't know how to help you, good luck" many times now, and I find it quite revealing.

In my situation, I've learned that it's code for "I have tried to manipulate you and failed so I'm giving up, now leave me alone" and intended to make me feel isolated.

I'm not saying that's what your sister meant, and it's always very important not to judge what people say unreasonably and jump to conclusions.

I mention this because it can be helpful to recognise the signs of potential covert abuse and manipulation.

[Rosie]

Hi x_

Yeah, we've all heard those throw away lines.  I think with my siblings they just can't stand my mental behaviour. 😉  It's been so long since I've seen them all so I've grown use to my own company but it can get overwhelming at times.  I just live in my own little strange world.

Rosie x

[x__]

they're not throwaway lines when they are calculated to injure

even if well-intentioned, the message is still "you are such a broken person that I must wipe my hands of you", which reveals more about the person saying it than anything else

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Rosie,

I understand about the cost of seeing a psychologist. I wish it was more accessible and affordable for more people. I was definitely helped by the Suicide Callback Service. I think I called them four times when I was in a really bad state. It was stabilising and it took the edge of the distress I was in. I felt more grounded and able to function somewhat again.

I can't believe either how some people in what are meant to be caregiving roles can speak to someone that way. You really needed reassurance and to feel supported. In a book I've read by Peter Levine, who is a psychologist specialising in treating trauma, he describes an accident he was in. He was hit by a car when crossing a crosswalk and left lying injured on the road. The first person who responded was a man who went up to him, ripped open his shirt and was shouting at him to check his level of consciousness. Peter had to tell him to "back off". Then a lovely, kind woman came along, introduced herself by name and asked what she could do to help. He asked if she would be in the ambulance with him to go to the hospital. So she did and his vital signs (blood pressure etc) completely normalised. He said it was her presence that made all the difference and prevented him from having lasting trauma from the accident. How humans are with one another matters, and it especially matters when it comes to be people who are vulnerable for whatever reason. I think in time the impact of those doctor's words and behaviour with you will fade. That happened to me with the memory of the way the woman in the cafe spoke to me, though I'm never walking into that cafe again.

I haven't read Sara Maitland's book. It sounds really interesting. I have Scottish ancestry from the Isle of Skye. I have always wanted to visit that area of western Scotland and I"m particularly interested in the Outer Hebrides which is more remote. I'm often drawn to remote places. So I am sure I would love to read her book. I would find it really interesting to read about hermits from throughout history too. About 6 years ago I was on Stewart Island in NZ. I read about a Japanese woman who went off into the wilderness there and lived in a cave for quite some time. She just wanted to escape society. She eventually had to leave. I think the authorities caught up with her or something like that. But I understand her just doing that.

Yes, I am ok and I hope you are having a lovely weekend too.

Take care xx 🤗

[Rosie]

Thanks Eagle Ray

They censored some of what I wrote to you.  I sometimes feel what's the point if all your posts have to be happy, encouraging words.   I just don't know how to get things off my chest on this forum without fear of censorship.  Perhaps someone should start a forum called "Beyond Crazy".  (Sorry just a little dark humour.) 

I'm not sure I will continue with this forum, might just go back to be a crazy old hermit.  Don't feel I belong anywhere. 😔

Rosie x

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Rosie,

I have had posts censored before so I understand it can leave you feeling worse when you are opening up about vulnerable emotions and experiences. I know you are particularly vulnerable right now after what you have been through. I also had some posts that got held up in moderation for quite some time when I was particularly struggling and that's when I found calling a helpline and talking to a human was helpful. As well as the Suicide Callback Service I have also called Lifeline and they can be quite good when you just want someone to chat with. Though I did have a couple of people there who were not that helpful either in that they were very non-responsive. But I've learned if that happens to just end the call and try again and then often I have spoken to someone lovely. One time after a call that wasn't good I called again and got a lovely man who was like a kindly grandfather. He just calmed me down so much. At the end of the call he suggested I have a cup of tea and a biscuit before bed, so I did. I really felt better. So I hope I can send you some calming and supportive energy and maybe a nice warm beverage would be lovely before bed.

Take care and I am happy to chat with you if you do want to chat more. I too have had those feelings of thinking I just have to withdraw back into hermitage so I understand.

Take care and warm hugs,

Eagle Ray

[Guest_9989]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. It’s incredibly frustrating when you feel dismissed by someone who’s supposed to help. You deserve care and understanding, not to be treated as a burden.

It’s okay to feel tired and overwhelmed. You’re not alone, and it’s important to keep reaching out for support, even if it’s difficult. Maybe consider finding a new doctor or counselor who can offer the empathy and support you need. You have value, and your feelings matter. Please take care of yourself and keep reaching out for help when you need it.