White Picket Fence

[lm99]

Not sure where to start. Text book fantastic partner. 3 beautiful kids. Volunteer at the local sports club. I have the white picket fence. I thought that if I convinced myself long enough in the dream I would be fixed. Clock on clock off next day begins.

My family is not very supportive. My sister points out on a regular basis how Im not good enough at anything and my brothers drain me with all their dramas. My folks are old school. Stuck in their ways and how we should be. Die by the sword of 'what will people think'. And I must keep up the charade. See Im the fix it girl. If there is a problem I fix it. If you need something, I do it. I solve it all.

Hubby is everything you should want. He is loyal and honest and he loves me. Really loves me. And I love him. He knows somethings not right but I just cant let him in. Truth is I know he would be happier without me. I know what you will say but he would. He deserves so much more than I can give. 

I have this huge part of me that I keep hidden away and I wont allow anyone to get near it ever. Its been for so long, I dont know what its like without it. If you come close I will run and if you love me I will hurt you until you hate me. I wont let her get hurt ever again. Noone will know. I have let others in before but they always leave. They dont look at you the same way when they know.

I think, I will just keep busy. Take on more work. Focus on the kids. Fix everyone else and no-one will see. Play the white picket fence game. But im tired. I want to not be but I cant do that to my kids. So back to playing the white picket fence.

It is what it is I guess?

L

[Neil_1]

Hi L

You’ve intrigued me massively.  Your name suggests that you are 99 – so I congratulate you on reaching this incredible age, but can only stop to wonder just how old your folks are – as you say they are old school – they’d be REALLY old school.

It’s also great that you’ve chosen to come here and post – it can sometimes be a help for the person as they can just do a bit of an unload to get things “out there”.

Why do you believe that hubby would be happier without you?   Do you give him a hard time, beat him up and call him names?   I think not, cause you say that you love him and he loves you and that’s all pretty ‘white picket fence’ to me.

Do you know how many people who live behind a white picket fence suffer from depression and other mental illnesses?  Well, in Australia I think the percentage is quite small, cause I’m not aware of all that many residences that have the old wpf.   But you can be blessed with having a wpf and it means bugga all to mental illnesses – they’ll glom on to anyone.

I would also steer clear of your sister – sounds like a person who is good to avoid if she’s giving you those kinds of responses.   Brothers who have other dramas can be a distraction but also not a good distraction if they’re perhaps wanting you to be their saviour or the like – hassles you can do without.

So sounds like you’re a kind of stay at home mum, which is often the most hardest job of all – and the pay isn’t all that flash either.

Are your children still a young age or are they developing personalities and being more independent?   I find that has helped a lot in some aspects, but with others, well, I guess it’s just how you bought them up which augers for how they develop, isn’t it?

Apart from the local sports club, do you find any other interests or activities there might be that you enjoy?   Something else to earn your interest?

Lastly, have you spoken or been to your gp about all of this?

Lovely to hear from you and hope you can post back again.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear IM99

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. When your life is so hard it's great that you can find the courage to write in here. I am so very sorry that you feel the way you describe. I would like to give you an electronic cuddle (IM99). See my arms round you.

Having a great husband and 3 lovely children is fantastic. As Neil has suggested, dump the sister. There is no room in anyone's life for a person who who puts you down. I would be inclined to spell out to her what she is doing and tell her to stop making the remarks or stop being part of your family. Easy for me to say I know. I have a brother who has gone out of my life for different reasons but the same principle.

Brothers! Take a deep breath and refuse to help them any more. If they have a problem then it's up to them to fix it. The consequence of solving the problems of others is the outcome. Have a successful outcome and you are stuck forever solving their difficulties. Get it wrong and it's your fault and they get off scot free. Win/win for them and lose/lose for you.

Your siblings are old enough to manage their own lives without intervention from you. There should be no criticism from your parents if they are old school. After all, aren't men supposed to be the protectors and problem solvers?

"What will the neighbours say" is just too bad. Are they your neighbours or those of your parents and siblings? Do you really think you will be blamed for letting your siblings manage on their own? Or is it that no one is supposed to know about the skeletons in the family cupboard? The world may not be changing for your parents and siblings but I assure you the rest of the world has changed.

About your personal problems. I admit I am intrigued by your veiled remarks. Does your distress come from the expectation of fixing everything or is it some other cause? You really need to determine what is causing you such grief. No need to tell us here if that's uncomfortable. But please go and see your GP. They've seen and heard it all.

Alternatively phone the BB help line. The number is 1300 22 4636 and someone is available 24/7. This is not any old someone. These people are trained in managing mental health issues. Most importantly you are anonymous. You can say what you want, get it all off your chest and no one will know who you are. The benefit is that you will receive some help and advice. Trying to continue coping on your own will inevitably lead to greater problems.

Write in again please.

Mary

[lm99]

Thanks for the kind words.

I find it hard to talk and thought... I dont want to be like this but I dont know where to turn as I am trapped.

I dont see my silings much anymore. There are toxic. I know that. But my parents struggling with all the issues and pull me in. Family skeleton hidden away is how they are and I get it. I get that that is them but I cant abandon them. And I fix. That is my worth. That is the only way they see me. I can handle it but I get so angry cause they dont see me.They never have.

My husband, like I said is great. But when I struggle he is not here.I dont blame him. I dont think he knows what to do or say. So he says nothing. So i dont talk to him about any of this. 

Friends. Well no. People around all the time but never get too close. I will do everything I can for them but wont talk to them. I dont know how. I dont trust anymore.

My kids are pretty fantastic. They keep me going. Not because they are awesome but because I couldnt put them thru... I wouldnt do that to them but I am so tired. The 2 eldest are heading into the teen years and I feel sick knowing that I am suppose to be their North. I dont know how to give them that. 

I am haunted by past events that I push down and push down but I cant seem to let go of. I volunteer and give back to pay my debt. And then he died and it all came back. Every thought, every feeling every moment and now. I am just angry. I feel like I am screaming and noone can hear me. 

I have been to the GP. Gone to a therpist. Hubby doesnt like it too much as I thinks it makes me crazy. I have asked him to come with me but he wont. Been on Meds.Cant seem to find the right dose. They made me what to drive my car into a wall. And I run as soon as I have to talk. I am so ashamed. So guilty. So angry.

So I clock on and clock off. Another day begins. And keep myself busy with all the things that I can do for everyone else and pretend that the sky is blue. 

But I am empty. I am lost. I am alone. And I dont know 

Sorry rambling. 

L

[White_Rose]

My dear you are in such a pickle. Really it is time to cut these ties. While you remain the fix it person you will always be struggling. You are trying to please everyone and it never works.  You have become the whipping boy for your family.  No care and all responsibility.

I get how hard it is to talk. Get your GP to send you to a good psychologist. Don't talk, at least to start with.  Instead write down all your feelings as you have above, and give them to the psych to read. Include your feelings about talking. A good psych will not expect you to "tell all" as soon as you walk through the door.

The first few sessions are getting to know each other. Just general chit chat. And if that's too hard, then just give him/her the notes you have written. If you are asked questions then answer yes or no. Eventually you will come to trust the psych and be able to talk more freely.

You say your husband loves you.  Well if he does then he should encourage you in anything that will help. Psych do not make people crazy.  Where on earth did you or your husband get that idea? What can happen is that reliving some of the past events in your life can upset you. The psych needs to give coping mechanisms for this.

The idea is that you can look back, a little at a time, and see the truth in each situation. For example, my husband made me feel I was a complete idiot. Incapable of doing anything and deserving of nothing. It took a long time to find the courage to leave and a long time to see that I am a worthwhile person. And yes the journey was hard and I wanted to give up so often. But here I am.

I gather from your post that someone important and significant in your life, died some time ago. And this grief has resurfaced. I have no idea who caused that death, but I do know that you cannot change it, no matter how hard you try. I know it simplistic, but trying to make amends and ruining your own life is not the way to go. Two lost lives is not acceptable. If you want to atone, then make something of yourself that shows how much you have grown and learned from the experience.

One of the first things to learn is that you are a worthwhile person in your own right. Do not make yourself a slave to everyone else to prove you are sorry. That is just making you a victim and the world being the way it is, will just take you at your own valuation and continue to put you down.

Please climb out of your prison and get help. Phone the BB helpline. They will  help you talk.

I am sending a hug.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there lm99

Ahhh, I see what’s happening now – it’s L M 99 and not im99 … see, sharp as a bowling ball is me.  Not too much gets past this lad !  🙂

Hmmm, what would it mean to you to NOT go out of your way to help your bumbling brothers?  Would it cause you to feel bad?   I mean, as you say, they don’t go out of their way to see you and never have – that’s huge in my book.

I hope by coming here, it has helped you – to be able to unload and to also share things with like-minded folk.  I also hope that you’re able to stay around here for as long as you wish, in whatever capacity you would care too.  And if you feel the need for further unloading, I really hope that you’re able too as well.

You know what, I reckon without you realising it, you ARE the ‘rock’, the North that you speak of for your children.  As you say, they’re entering a new phase, eldest into teens and that’s a lot of years that you’ve been there helping them, nurturing them, guiding, loving, providing and all the rest of the many things that a mum does.  And though you’re struggling, I still believe that a Mum can project to their young all the desired qualities and kindnesses … kind of like an inbuilt automatic mechanism.

With regard to your therapist, are you still seeing this person??   From what you describe, it sounds like you’ve got some deep-seated issues there that are really troubling you and to me, from what I can gather, being able to unload this seems paramount to me – to get it off your chest, ALL that you feel – there’s emotions in there that appear to be really bubbling.  I really wish that I could help in some way right now for you.

Elle, never ever say sorry on this site – no need for it – it’s great that you were able to unload and as you say, ‘ramble’ – just write and get it out and we’re here for you.

I do hope you can write back to us.

Kind regards

Neil

[Zan]

Im99 ... yeesh, those horrible "repeated days" where, just to keep sane, one Groundhog day like keeps having to clock on and clock off and start the same thing over ..... hoping beyond hope that something will change ... that a glimmer of light manages to shine through the gloom .... that a HUGE MIRACLE will happen and, hey presto .... n o    m o r e     p a i n ....... and everythings okay .... sigh and yay at the same time.

I hated putting on a mask every day. At the end I was getting to the stage of seeing it as a part of my uniform. I would put it on with my uniform and take it off with my uniform, only to swap it for the "home" model ... or the "socializing model" ... or the "I am strong" model. As for actually remembering who I even was ... well I think by that stage I'd forgotten. I've written a poem about those REPEATED DAYS (but I don't think Beyond Blue would allow me to post it as it has some profane language in it).

So what do you do? Try to forget about it? (Sorry ... we can only do that for so long before we fall apart ... either in a puddle of tears in a Supermarket Isle or whilst driving a car --- and I'm glad you stopped taking meds if driving gave you thoughts of crashing -- I had those as well).  So, start unburdening yourself to total strangers like all of us here ... who know what you're going through ... with many having gone through the same, or very similar experiences. As they say, a problem shared is a problem halved ... or solved. Okay?

[geoff]

dear L, welcome as well, I can't really add much more than what Mary and Neil have said, except that if you involve yourself with toxic people then this creates enormous problems, that just keep adding up to make your life much more difficult.

The criticism from your siblings will never accept or agree with whatever you say or do, because they don't want you to succeed, so cut contact until you are able to learn on how to out manoeuver them. L Geoff. x