When your spouse refuses to seek help

[41singleBNE]

I'm a 41yo single father with two kids aged 9 and 7. My ex wife suffers severe clinical depression with psychosis (mania, delusions & paranoia). She is also a diabetic 1. She's been living with her mother whom until recently was growing tired of seeing her staring off into the abyss, and general lack of practical progress. I am assuming this happened on the back of a disagreement. Mother drops her at the local centrelink office and demands she sort out her affairs - but instead of going inside, my ex wife ran off in a panic.

She was reported missing for 48 hours and sparked a major police search operation. Eventually located safe and well by members of the public. Since this ordeal ex wife has been detained (treatment order) in hospital in a secure mental health ward.

Our relationship had been strained for years leading up to this incident, but this was the final straw. For years I've been trying to raise our children, as well as deal with her crippling anxiety and constant fear and paranoia. Constantly urging her to seek help and assistance, my pleas were met with flat out denial, push back and refusal to acknowledge her state.

I never wanted the relationship to end in the fashion that it has - with her being completely unable to cope with daily aspects of adult life. I have sole care of the children, and absolutely no life beyond that. I go to work, come home, feed/bathe and dress them, then the cycle repeats.

I'm simply not coping with the isolation, loneliness and the grief of a 13 year union coming to a very sad and sudden end. My GP has put me on 2 weeks stress leave because I'm no longer able to get myself to work, it's too much of a burden. My house is a bombsite with clothes and general mess everywhere. I spent the afternoons and evenings trying to hold back the black dog biting at my heels. I've stopped trying to fight it, and often sit in a chair or lie in bed crying.

I'm trying to book in with a psychologist but everyone I approach has closed books or a massive waiting list.

Help...

[Not_Limited]

Sorry, I just wanted to add - don't focus so far in the distance of being alone for the rest of your life. There is still a lot of life to live before then. When you are stable and believe in yourself again, you will find someone, until then, just focus on yourself and the children. It takes time to create the illness and it takes time to heal it. A broken relationship, the loss of a partner through mental illness is just as real as grief in any manner of any state and there is no time limit on how long it takes to heal and what processes you will go through in that time. Getting the help you need is a great first step. Be proud, even if atm it is just for that first step. xx

[therising]

Hi 41singleBNE

It's easy to see that you are such a beautiful sensitive caring man whose mantra is obviously still 'For better or for worse, in sickness and in health'. To still love someone through the worst of things, when sickness or poor mental health becomes a major factor, speaks volumes as to your nature.

To be sensitive to feeling the advice of other people or the opinions of other people can be depressing at times, especially when certain advice or certain opinions are naturally depressing. To be sensitive to feeling when there's just no petrol left in the tank, when you've lost your energy and your drive, can also be depressing at times. I'm wondering whether a lot of the people around you are carefully asking you about how you're feeling everything or whether they're telling you how you should be feeling. Do they ask you about how you want feel and asking you how they can help?

I imagine you've tried to make sense of why your wife experiences life the way she does. Have you managed to make any sense of it, yourself? Even though you may be surrounded by experts, don't discard any ideas or theories that may come to mind, from your perspective. Do you know when or why your wife began to experience life through her current perception? Do you know who or what were factors in the lead up to such a change in her? I imagine you've wondered a lot over the years. Perhaps your wife, at some point in time, has discussed with you her own sense of wonder in regard to how things changed for her. Does she find it deeply depressing to have no answers, to be stuck in a sort of limbo of not knowing? I can't imagine how hard the years have been for the both of you.

In imagining the path or the way forward, what would it look like, in your mind? How would others need to get their act together in order to serve you (including relatives and specialists)? Sounds like it's time people began to better serve you.

🙂

[41singleBNE]

Today I spoke with my psychologist about how I felt like I was simply pandering to my families directive. To be fair, the strain of my relationship has been tough on them as well. Mental health doesn’t discriminate and is a cruel hitch hiker.

The psych said that ultimately it’s my decision which path to take, but I am questioning at what cost.

My mother rang to check in and ask how the appointment went, expecting it to be more along the lines of legal stuff and laying down more framework for divorce/separation. To say she was put on the back foot when I told her how things actually went, is an understatement.

She then went on a blistering attack saying that it’s far too greater risk to take my ex back and that I should think about my family for a change and what they have had to endure. Saying we are both doomed and it will never work out. If we one day moved into another (bigger) house together all my ex would do, would be to clean me out leaving me homeless and destitute.

I know in my heart my ex would never do something like this, to jeopardize our children. The rest of my family aren’t convinced and will not budge.

They have made a threat to say that if we ever decide to reconcile again they would drop all manner of support and effectively disown me.

I am in a truly awful state of mind, the grief I am feeling is overwhelming. I simply cannot bear going through life and having to separately co-parent. I lost my father at age 12 and know exactly what true grief feels like. I’ve now known my ex for longer than I knew my dad and simply cannot bear to have the relationship end. When the children are asleep in bed I cry uncontrollably and it’s been like this for the past two weeks. The tears just keep coming.

[Petal22]

Hi 41singleBNE,

Im sorry that you are in a awful state of mind.

Please call our caring Beyondblue Councillors on 1300 22 4636 if you feel you would like to speak to someone.

Im really sorry that your mother said to you what she did that must have been very difficult for you.

Sometimes people just see the hurt inside themselves and project it onto someone else……. Which really isn’t fair at all.

In the end you know what’s right for you it’s not up to anyone else. 🙏

[41singleBNE]

My wife and I are now co-habitating and living under the same roof again. We are both functioning well, and being careful to take our medications as prescribed and directed. The kids are happy with the stability.
But this decision to reconcile has gone against everybody. My GP: "it would be a triumph of hope if things worked out for you", my parents, her parents, and the rest of my extended family. Nobody seems to have any faith or support in us as a couple anymore. There have been too many slip ups and roadblocks along the way.

I was warned by both my brother and sister that if we got back together then that's it, in their words. Cast me off and hang me out to dry - and this is exactly what they have done. I don't understand why they would choose to do this as I'm in Brisbane and they're in Victoria. I can't see how they can claim they were directly affected during the past year when they live so far away. They both say they have been hurt by both mine and my wife's actions. At risk of sounding like I'm playing the victim here, neither of them have ever had to deal with their own mental health to the point where it causes a major disruption to daily life. I'm not as successful as them career wise, nowhere near it.

It's going to be an interesting xmas as both family sides refuse to accept us both as a couple again. Her family doesn't want me there, and mine doesn't want her there. She is nervous about how things will go. I tell her it's only one day of the year, and an over rated one at that. The kids and her will probably go to her mums place for the day. I'm not sure what I'll be doing. Both my brother and sister are flying up to visit family and friends for a week or so, but I can't see myself engaging with either of them. Strangely this doesn't seem to bother me though...

[geoff]

Hello 41singleBNE, if you let this bother you, then you are reacting to how your brother and sister want you to feel, but if it doesn't then you have made up your mind and whatever they say has no impact on your decision, that's good because it gives you strength.

If however, whatever they said did affect how you felt, then you are being controlled by them and won't let you move forward.

Achieve your goal by looking after yourself.

Geoff.