When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Well , not a nice few wks l'm afraid, at all.

But hey we did have at least a beautiful Chris day.

l was just about to come on a wk or two back and talk about the new situation with gf buttttt, that's blown up in no uncertain terms too now, once and for all this time.

Her culture the man often provides , ours that's more in a hw/kids situation or else women usually work themselves these days too mostly or have some centerlink thing if they can't and it's not really a providing but more a sharing situation with some independence too l suppose you'd call it , to my mind anyway.

How to describe well she is getting some disability but if she moved back here she'd also have free house bills and food , l mean that's a lot- plus her disability. l've tried to explain that she'd have more than enough with absolutely no bills and what's mine is hers anyway including money but the entitlement is mind boggling . Been wrestling with that one 3yrs now but it's gotten too much. l want this l want that l want that and that. She doesn't understand in this country just how much all that free living involves but the shear entitlement , tbh, makes me sick. l've had enough and told her we're finished once and for all.

Sooooo, that went well.

Then my d had some big problems poor thing God how does such an incredible person just not be able to get a break , l really can't work it out, ex either.

Andddd, l called my sister just to find out where Christ day was gonna be this yr - haven't spoken to this one 2yrs  , we were thinking of going down.

My God she went of her nut ane's a total mess and it's had me upset right through since.

Needless to say we didn't go but apparently she started a fight there too Christmas day 11.30 at night that went to 1pm and runied it for everyone sooo, glad we skipped that one.

Not a nice couple of wks unfortunately.

rx   

[Guest_1584]

She'd gotten in a huff and that's why she started talking like that, she does talk a lot of crap and gets pretty narky when she's in a shyt she admits herself. But this sort of stuff we'd been there before and l've read a lot about their ways and she is pretty true to it in all sorts of ideals.

l mean when she's been living here she helps at work and does other stuff and it all worked out really nice and so of course we'd be sharing anyway was always the plan.

But huff or not, she has always had a an entitled edge too that l've never liked.

Apart from all that though we'd only started talking again bc she started talking about coming down again but she was still just all over the damn shop anyway. But then before long that started looking like mths away again now and then all this other stuff going on up there, it was still looking just hopeless.

[Guest_1584]

Hi again to all.

l'd prefer a new thread tbh for what's looking like a new start but l already have a few and tbh, unfortunately l'm back to the exact topic of this very thread anyway soooo.

Life l suppose you could say .

Been a helluva holiday period tbh l'm afraid. My d's had to move out of the house share she'd finally found, so disappointing for her God almighty it's just not fair the run that she's had , breaks our heart. Mind you staying away from boys a yr or two would be a pretty good start butttt, well !

Made the ridiculously stupid mistake of calling a sister Christmas wk just to find out what was happening Chris day. l specifically called this one as we'd fought a few yrs back and l hoped to patch that up while l was at it - which might add was all her anyway so it was a call of good will.

Ha, throw that out the window, l'm cutting her off enough is enough.No room for toxic in my life anymore.

Butttt, and then, as in some above posts , gf and l have also parted ways.

lt was my decision and l think it's best bc l don't see any other way but that doesn't make it all any less disappointing and upsetting on top of everything else nonetheless.

There's just been reoccurring things and pretty big ones that just haven't wanted to go away , some of are above but there's more.

ldk but important personality traits too that just seem to be getting worse if anything as times gone on, her none stop dramas still going on and still stopping us from getting back to our life , it's just a whole reoccurring cycle and still nowhere, as above.

Soooo, not a nice time of it of late unfortunately.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Strange l usually have a pretty cruisy Christ's and hols, dk how l managed this one this yr though.

Thing is as per the original title it's all creeping back in and sinking in too unfortunately.

The gf thing has been plans the last 3yrs for us both even for her in her roller coasters of drama it was still always us at the end of the tunnel . Never really truly entertained the idea of us not working it out one way or other eventually.

Life feels nowhere . Another strange thing though is that my cards are still reading exactly the same stuff they have 4yrs now. They're rarely wrong on the basic message yet that now seems further away than ever but yet it's still reading the same , even with different decks. Very odd let e tell you considering where things are at now but at the same time as lost as everything feels , it at least gives you some hope that they still may well be right it just hasn't come a long yet - whatever "it" is.

rx

[Guest_1584]

l really just don't know wth to do with the house now.

l really should be grateful for my life here and the way that l can live. l have beautiful views and such peace , l can work when l want and the house itself and living here is just about as cruisy as it gets. Our main town is gorgeous even if 35k away , beaches , other nice towns around mine right here is pretty damn nice too . Really , how could l complain even if l do end up alone.

But that's the thing. l am alone in this town if not with a partner , 6yrs haven't made a friend really. Had one mate l knew before coming here but he's got his hands full and life with 4kids marriage business he's own family all here too.

So given the record so far it's pretty unlikely l'd actually meet that someone special later on now around here either and it sort of feels like staying as nice as it is could also seal fate to though.

Gf actually really liked it here and the house but we'd originally had plans right through to move somewhere up closer to the border making it easier for her ad her son to visit.

ldk wth to do now all things considered.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx 

Remember- you don't need to decide everything at once. You've made a big decision with gf, give yourself time with the house. I'm sorry Christmas didn't turn out great too.

I think you knew all the red flags were there with gf, you had seen them before.  It's a shame so many years went by where you waited patiently  & held on to hope but you're a good, loyal man for doing that.

Give yourself some time now rx before making more big decisions. 

Hugs 

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Yeah that's all true , thx for that cm.

Gf wise hope l've made the right decision. l'd hoped given her circumstances time and patience pays off and we'd get through it, like your situation. tbh though not sure now if l should've just over looked her money rants and other things. She does go of on rants when she's pissed or confused or under pressure and she's had all that again the last few mths. And often her English translation especially at those times things don't mean in her language what they do in ours so it can be really tricky and totally different meanings at times.

But even so , there's still been the what next for us thing to anyway, all this time, even more stuff had come up, more delays. She is in a really tough spot in those ways now though but she could've at least followed through and just come down even just a few wks, just be together again first of all but still on of coming can't next wk next mth on and on.

House wise yeah , l'm settling down on all that , maybe leave it all up to the universe now, maybe there's reasons things have happened this way , we see.  Still can't do anything with the house either way yet anyway still waiting on the subdivision. Maybe it's all going on up there in the big plan  .

rx

ps, wellllll, at least you guys look like your underway one way or other anyway hey, at least your patience and persistence payed of. Wish mine was as cut and dry and just one pain in the arse sister.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Just checking in. Yes, you could have just overlooked things but as you said she never is able to come see you cos of one thing or another.

I think you made the right decision. 

Cmf

[Guest_1584]

Hi there cm and thanks for checking in.

Well, she reminded me she came down even all through Covid for 2yrs even with her flying problems, but l was still all wooshi washy so she's scared to now bc l might be the same and she goes through it all again for nothing. Well, l must admit , she's right and she did too, she was an absolute wonder woman, but all l did was mess the poor thing around. lt was incredible what she did for us through all that.

Sometimes she just gets frustrated and rants off buttttt it turns out that's all been the real issue and l do forget what a big thing it is her doing all that and of what she did do back then for us. lt's all true.

We've been talking again, and it's still the same, we're still just us, all still there, it's incredible really and a real testament after everything and all this time, LD and all. No wonder we can't turn away.

Butttt, in a way l wish it wasn't bc we can't turn our backs yet if we can't work out wth are we gonna do.There's still the Sydney thing and meantime through all this she's now finally got a good place to live too.Bloody hell.

Anyway, considering, atm we've decided l'll probably go up there again now, we're just finding the right time and then we'll try to figure it out.

l can't believe l put her through all that back when and just messed her around yet here we are still now , wth didn't l just bite the damn bullet. We could've had all this life together, and bc of it she wouldn't have gone through everything she has up there alone.

rx

[CMF]

1. Hmmmmm...ok. we do tend to forget all the good things someone's done when we feel negative about a situation. Having said that you can't ignore things that are red flags for you. Maybe you fo just need to see each  other & hash it all out. See where things fall.

Cmf