When depression isn't the illness, it's just life ?

[Guest_1584]

Hi BB.

l hope a separate thread for this topic is ok as it is a big topic and if anyone else would like or need to talk about their situation to and how they're handling things or anything at all please feel free.

ldk where to begin but l suppose this time it really starts from my divorce about 9yrs ago. l've never really had as far as l know the actually illness of depression, it's usually been from a life period itself. l did try meds yrs ago but didn't like them. And at this stage, it is again just life itself. After divorce l wanted to be alone and work through things 4yrs or so but later l started trying to feel like life again.l started getting back into my few hobbies, and walked or jogged and getting out and about.Later managed to buy this house to stay close to my daughter and l met gf l've been with last over 3yrs now.lt's been mostly beautiful earlier, a few bumps but they ironed out. Later some serious legal drama she'd had got worse and she had to go interstate up home for them and we've been apart mostly16mths since. Future us wise, not so sure right now as she still has ongoing problems needs another 6mths and also depression and anxiety herself.

Well these days l just work on the house and outside a bit which l enjoy usually, forced right now though like everything. Do 1 or 2 hobbies, forced, get out most days to somewhere that l do like, l like driving my car and just getting out and about, but tbh, l don't feel like doing anything else,usually in bed very early, just pc ,too much, use to love movies but don't feel like them or tv. Still don't have any friends here, 5yrs, although l can't be bothered with many people one or two would be nice. Haven't worked at all this yr yet but l'll probably be going back for a few mths soon. l have a simple at home business not great money but covers house repayments and living, save a little bit. Great hrs though when l do work and leaves me lots of time which l like.

Things is, later side of mid 50s now, gf and l looking pretty unlikely, the rest, this is just not where l pictured being and tbh, l just don't feel like doing anything, bed 24 7 would suit me right now no problem. About the only thing l do enjoy unforced is seeing my d or getting out for a drive about. l am depressed, l hate where l'm at in life and l wouldn't have believed it 10yrs ago, with zero interest or mojo for anything really, just feel sad.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Well, this takes the cake.

As l said l have a process l drew cards again, same thing!!! lt's actually good for new cards but 4 times out of 5, more big love, wth.

Here's the thing , apart from earlier this yr where cards started talking about more milder stuff and just a bit of luck for awhile.

I'd talked about it in my other thread prob 2yrs ago- they've talked this big love 4yrs yep, 4yrs, that's unheard of buttttt- who are they talking about gf things are a mess and the bizarre ex thing well, above. 4yrs and still going means that it is still coming.

Maybe gf does sort herself out after all. This is no ordinary stuff they're saying it's the highest love there is in a read but 4yrs .

That was actually why gave them up again and l'm regretting it again already.

That stuff's been messing with my head 4yrs and l didn't find out what shifted after all that.

Maybe the wkend reveals.

rx.

[Guest_1584]

l don't use them in life things normally, they interfere,l try to block that. l have a business though and they just help in decisions with that.

l just wanted to tap into this shift going on atm now though butttt this love thing is still coming through on it's own 4yrs now and now even straight out of a new deck,just wth !!!!

That'd be beautiful dream news for most actually , but in my case yeah there's been big love alright but it's a damn mess , this just isn't making sense.

There is one thing though, it is showing things aren't finished.

l'm working today and tom l'm going to pick up d and we're going to the mountains to see waterfalls , that's what l need.

rx

[Guest_1584]

We talked this morng, think l've found the shift.

She's completely disconnected again , knew it. She's just trapped herself and has no idea hth she'll get through the next day let alone mths.

Damn cards , knew l shouldn't have. Found it out today anyway and l don't see how what they're saying can even be gf she's just in too much of a mess doubt that's ever gonna end l'm prob an idiot even still being here. So they've just made it worse with all this love stuff-ha, wth ?

They make it sound like she'll turn back to us but l tell ya, l'm not seeing it after this morng.

[Guest_1584]

l suppose l should just stop moaning and be grateful for all the goods in life, right. Right !

l'm gonna have to get back to some positivity and what will be will be.

[ecomama]

Hey rx, well YES! 

The mouse wheel thinking gets no one anywhere but stuck on the mouse wheel. 
Something has to change but it's not something OUTSIDE of ourselves. 

It's a big change INSIDE of us. 

Positive thinking - check! 
Spending time with people we love or like - check! 

Leaving the too hard stuff of an LDR to work itself out. 

Going with the flow, raising our vibrations! Feeling gratitude, of course! 

Yesterday I asked myself "What would I do right now if I LOVED myself?" 
Then kept that going all day, night and today. 
Fills me with so much JOY I can barely contain it. So many loving messages came my way, it was beautiful. 

I've had a wonderful day today. LOVED listening to podcasts about raising vibrations. 
Gardened here. Had a nap hahaha. Gardened at Alexa's, did housework and lots more with LOVE. 

It really works, 
Love EM

[Guest_1584]

Em running round the yard with the turkey's , high as a kite .

But yeah , l have my ways.

At any rate , she's just that lost it's just sad seeing her like this again but she's just so disconnected and stuck,negative, again, too. lt feels hopeless, especially with anything us.

She's bloody weird like that always has been there's ways out for her and they aren't even complicated , simple actually , nothing compared to the way she's going which is only going to bring her down even further exactly as it's doing.

Buttttt, she thinks she has to be doomed and that's that- she's always had this edge to her and at those times just forget it, nothing gonna make any difference, She's not like that together in person she's incredible, always picking things up, looking at the brighter sides, doing things dancing cooking cracking jokes l dunno. She gets up there and stuck in her wallow- just forgets it all - won't even acknowledge that other side can even be again she's really weird like that, And nothing changes it.

Well , ldk wth , well of course l know the logic that was supposedly in it but she's dumped herself in the most ridiculous situation now , just feel like walkin away hands in air and to hell with it all- even if you can lead a horse , yaknow.

Sh ehas so many talents and abilities, ways, more so than just about any woman l've ever known but one she doesn't have is being able to see herself. lt's always been that damn frustrating, has this real ignorant edge at those times and nothing will change it.

l'm thinking l'm best just walk away atm nothing left to help with or add to when she gets like this, or at least just stay away until this next faze of the this rubbish she's dumped into, again, is done, Dec' . Back to thinking if she does turn herself around then and still want to come down she'll find her light again with us and life but otherwise- it's gonna be kaput she's just too lost. she knows she's so lost she tells me she's just so lost that makes it even crazier.

Anyway.

[Guest_1584]

Unfortunately , it's stronger than ever. l feel sick in the stomach have all wkend, l think she's lost, we're lost.

l had a beautiful wkend and yesterday went and grabbed d and we went off seeing some waterfalls in her new area and bush walks. We had a great day and l got in a good drive too, really needed a decent drive.

lt's nothing to do with me or anything else going on , it's coming from gf..

To top it off we talked a little bit think it was sat morning , l could see it all over her but yesterday l sent a pic and only got back one word. That's unheard of for gf it's just coming from where she is and being so lost. l didn't want to make her feel worse sending happy snaps it was just a simple pic of me and d, she loves d, hoped it might kind of distract her a little and be nice seeing our pic.

l don't see any poss outs for her at least a few mths bc her situation itself there is actually gonna get worse for awhile now, l don't even know how she's even managing at all tbh.

Anywayyyyyy yeah , it's feeling very lost right now and l think the best thing l can do is just leave her be and try to get on with life. Hope this feeling at least passes though if nothing else it's like rubbing it in my face as is- which does not help.

Thank the Gods weathers come good and l've got some nice work on this wk anyway. Might even be going fishing with the brother too - fake it till ya make l suppose hey, been there done that.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l could easily lock away and spend mths on the couch miserable .

lt's just that the weathers finally coming better and summer, been a helluva winter here and l've been sitting round on this 18mths now limbo'd and stressed and dealing with her stuff only to get this , and to make that worse this latest is self inflicted anyway- hers not mine.

To bloody hell with it l want to at least try salvaging some life and summer even if l will be half out there.

[Guest_1584]

l'll prob be ranting here in circles a bit for awhile but it's just my way of working through things. ln a difficult situation l think in circles for as long as it takes if needed and it usually arrives me at an outcome eventually mentally, that decision or understanding.

Someone said the other day she'll probably just keep dumping herself in it l wouldn't be waiting around at this stage given her record.

She has been in so many jambs earlier with her courts and money and with so many big things but she got through it, only just, and all of that is pretty well done. This stuff now isn't a jamb though, it's just silly and totally unnecessary, not only but it's also just really really weird too, it;s just bizarre.

l wonder lately again have right through should l have committed earlier the way she wanted. l just fet like l couldn't trust it though, it was just too soon for me. l wonder if l did would she have just thrown it away later anyway the way she seems to be doing now , that was my worry earlier . And here she is doing exactly that.

Was my hesitation a blessing in disguise , l'm usually right unfortunately but in this case maybe committing earlier would've sealed things, dk. l haven't talked about it here but she's had a pretty radical relationship and marriage history , we never talk about all that too much either bc l believe it's never too late. but her past has either been about her and things like all this, or she's just made a lot of really bad decisions with ex's or something. Well that can happen but what held me back was that l was scared and very wary that it was a character thing with her and unfortunately that's tbh how our thing is looking now.

l mean you don't talk of all the love she has with me and with us , and of loving me with the love she has for her son that has never happened before with any man, yet just turn around dump herself in all this mad stuff she is , and basically just switch all that off like a light, love like that doesn't switch off, but it seems to with her.

[ecomama]

Hey rx, mmm it's a LOT. 

Pretty sure this stuff will drive you crazy - if you LET it. 

Practicing a lot of compartmentalising is needed. 

She seems to be taking almost every opportunity to make mountains out of IDK.. she's making her CHOICES. 

It's sad to see how much turmoil you're in. How you're feeling so confused all the time. 
How gfs choices, even her not being happy for you - to me that's a huge red flag tbh, are dragging you way down. 

It doesn't have to be this way. I don't think you're enjoying this turmoil? 

But you remain in it? 

I asked my Counsellor years ago, how I could support my children through their own trauma responses? 
Like what's the VERY best thing I can do for them right now... the answer floored me. Even made me a tad angry lol... so I asked Helpline Counsellors and Psych the SAME question - got the same answer, ahhhh okay. 

SELF-CARE was the answer. 
My OWN self care! 
Man that made me angry, like how will THAT help THEM... but in the absence of ANY other advice I started... had to do research on it lol... just kept it up, on and on. Slipped a bit, got back on the horse. 

It's worked. I modelled it. 
BF? Well he's on his own journey BUT he did go to Elton John's "Last Tour" Concert last night! 
Hopefully this is the jump into the abyss of TRUSTING what he knows he needs to do for himself for more self-care. 

You know you need to do. 
Have FUN with it! 

Love EM